...because I wasn't. Life has changed dramatically since returning to the US... and that was nearly two months ago! I have posted a couple of blog updates since then and I apologize for not emailing about them. I am still surprised at how busy and chaotic everything has been since I got back.
There is much to tell in this entry so please bear with me. God has revealed much to me recently about my past... about the past two to two and a half years. And this could have a dramatic impact on what happens to me in the future.
Starting about three months ago, God began using certain circumstances to show me, gradually, that a lot of things I have believed are really lies. Very sad. They have been very cleverly disguised lies. I will start at what I think is the beginning, in June 2006.
It was June 2006 that found me on my second missions trip to Tijuana, Mexico with Caravan Ministries, through Black Forest Chapel. It was an amazing trip and I am blessed to have been a part of it. We heard some really strong missionary messages on that trip. Up until this time, I had been pretty strongly convinced that my place was in the United States... I knew then and know now that people here need saving just as much as people anywhere. He can't send us ALL to foreign nations, or there will be no one left to serve here! But... those missionary messages went into my head as saying "if you really want to honor God, this is what you should do." I have to say that someone told me that their dad, who was on the mission trip, heard this message as well, even though I doubt the speakers intended it. But I believed it. I heard this message, and I come from a very missions-focused church, which is awesome, and have many friends who are passionate for different nations... also incredible. But I think a mistake many churches make is to elevate overseas missionaries, show them as people who are TRULY giving something up and making a sacrifice and being passionate and holy. So, I saw that life, and I wanted it. But, I think I wanted it because I wanted people to think I was more holy and I wanted God to think better of me. Of course, pursuing a holier life is no evil thing but there is nothing Biblical which elevates overseas missions above missions at home.
There is a second part to this lie, and it ties directly to this. Partly due to experiences from my past, I had in my head that God doesn't want me to be comfortable in this world. He wants to put me in a place where life will be difficult and I will only take joy directly from HIM. I know now that this is absurd, that God made the world so that we can enjoy it... He won't send me somewhere teeming with bugs to make me miserable... not that He will just let me have a completely comfortable life but He wants me to be happy on the earth as well. This glorifies Him! But at the time, I didn't believe this. I thought He was going to send me into missions to make me uncomfortable, because being a missionary overseas felt uncomfortable and scary, and make me just depend on Him and be happy with Him. I began to believe that the dreams that had been building in my head and heart for my life in the US were selfish, sinful... my dream house with its little library (because I love to sit and read) was sinful. Even though my desire was to have an open home to people, and make that purposeful, and reach out in all areas, I decided my dream was too selfish. I had to give up more. So these things sank deeper and deeper into my head in the following months.
I was in a strong, steady and long-term relationship at the time, and I began to think that perhaps that relationship wasn't going to last because he didn't feel called to overseas missions, and I supposedly did. We had our dreams of ministry and outreach here in the US, and like I said, I began to think those were bad. not good enough. That I needed to be with someone who was going to give up the "easy American life" and go overseas. It certainly wasn't about this person. Despite my many failures and hurts he was incredibly good and gentle to me, and it is ironic that in the past 5 or 6 months of our relationship I realized that more than ever, and cared for him more deeply than ever before. But the lies were stronger... I wasn't really seeking God in this at all. I just decided that we should take a break because I wanted to find someone who was going overseas. I didn't really pray about it... I just made the decision because I was scared about the future. I think there are deeper aspects to this as well that I won't discuss on this blog but ... this relationship didn't end because it wasn't growing and we didn't care for each other. But I was selfish and even though in the back of my head things didn't feel right, I pushed that feeling away and kept pursuing this path.
For a while I thought I was going deeper with God, that I had done the right things. I was going to a weekly missions meeting and morning prayer before classes almost every day. Looking back though, I see that especially with missions my heart was not in the right place. I was mostly looking to fit in with the missions crowd and be more holy. It never occurred to me that I could be passionate about my own country and still fit in with these people... they are wonderful people and would have been supportive of that. I found myself often distracted at prayer, and worrying what people might think if I didn't pray aloud for something that wasn't about me, and I prayed a lot of selfish prayers as well. I was trying to learn to be outward focused and I succeeded somewhat but it wasn't a lasting success, it wasn't a heart-lesson. All this time things were happening that now, looking back, I think were God trying to pull me back and wake me up, but I didn't see.
Slowly but surely my relationship with God was weakening and i was losing my desire for prayer, for reading His word, for truly trusting in Him. When I should have been growing, I was dying.
Then I signed up for the July and August 2007 missions trip to the Czech Republic. I do not deny that this was an amazing experience for me, and a growing one. I learned a lot over there and the people I met and who have become my friends will always be dear and close to my heart. I was sure that I should come back during the first week of camp, and I don't doubt that that is true... however, I now doubt the nature of my return. As everyone knows probably, I met a wonderful young man over there and we began a relationship. I do not doubt now that waiting to pursue that relationship would have been wise... had I known more about some of the differences in our circumstances I would have waited. But I was so sure that I had found my direction in life that I didn't really care. This HAD to be it, it just "made sense". Looking back, I am not so sure it did... I don't regret having the relationship in most aspects. The first half a year after the mission trip I was seeking God pretty strongly and things seemed to be going a bit better. What i didn't see was I was falling into some old weaknesses, cutting myself off from friends and fellowship and focusing too much on the relationship and on a country that was 5000 miles away, rather than focusing on where God had me right then. He was again using situations and people to try and change that but I wasn't paying much attention because I was so sure I was right.
I returned to Czech in winter 2007/2008 and had a great time for the most part visiting friends and boyfriend. But things began to turn worse, and got increasingly worse after I left and in the year following. His parents adamantly tried to break us up throughout 2008 and have even kept him from ministry because he visited me here this winter 2008/2009. I do not for one second believe that the actions his parents have taken are right and Godly, but I do begin to wonder--is God really trying to use this to show us something, or is it just the devil trying to put up a block to God's work? It's really difficult to tell right now. I am in the process of praying and digging to find answers. It's hard to admit now that this path I was pursuing might be wrong. I have applied for a work permit in Czech next year, but I haven't heard anything about it except that the laws changed in January, after I applied, and it is "supposedly" easier but... if that work permit doesn't come, I think it will be a pretty solid sign.
Meanwhile, I have been enjoying much of my time living at home in Black Forest. I am going to my home church again, which is growing me SO much more than I have in 4 1/2 years. I am involved with the high school youth group and LOVING it... I am enjoying getting to know new people and some people I have seen grow up. :) I love going to the retreats with them, and I love going to Sunday School and the church service. I am meeting once weekly with a close Christian friend for fellowship and discipleship and encouragement and for the most part that has gone well (but needs a little more focus from my end. :) ). I am participating in the "Shelley Challenge" of reading through the New Testament by the end of May, which also needs some work, but is definitely growing me. I am student teaching currently at an elementary school (move to a middle school in 3 weeks) and I am learning a lot there and honestly, except for being so tired I immensely enjoy playing music games with these kids. Ever since the first weekend of being back in Black Forest, my heart has been lighter and things have been good.
There have been some very difficult things that I won't go into detail about here, but some of my past mistakes have come back to haunt me in a way I never thought they could, and in a way I think they still never should have. In the midst of this I am doing my best to remember who I am in Christ the King despite what others may say or think about me.... to remember that He has grown me and changed me over the past couple of years despite my weakened relationship with Him and He is pulling my heart closer to His than ever right now... Sometimes I am shocked at the hurts people in the body of Christ can inflict on one another. I do not claim to be innocent of hurting fellow believers deeply... and I feel more remorse for that than I am sure many know. The wounds of regret can go so deep... and even when the healing is done there will be scars. God heals greatly, but the memories still cause old pains. And right now I am not very close to full healing. But it is amazing as well to see how He has transformed my heart... I do not get as angry as I once did, I have more self control and more love... but still, I find myself fighting to not make the same mistakes. But this time He is nearer because I am not believing lies, and in Him I am stronger.
So right now my life is a chaotic mess, of not really knowing what will happen after I graduate May 16. There are reconciliations to be made and growth to experience and God to know. I am experiencing all at once great joy and great sorrow. Some days are incredibly hard to get through and some fill me with joy. The biggest difference is Jesus. He is becoming more real, more present than ever... and I do not know what He is using this time to prepare me for but whether it is here in Colorado, somewhere else in the US, or in another country (even Czech) I know it will be incredible. He is an awesome God and even when I do not know His plans and timing I know He can be trusted.
To those who have been hurt... I ask your forgiveness and love.
To those who have been patient... I thank you and ask for it to continue. :)
To those who have loved... I can never be more thankful and I love you back.
To those who have prayed... you have done the best thing there is to do.
To all who have gracefully read this and still care... you mean the world to me, and I couldn't keep going without you.
