Thoughts on Tebow

As the Broncos continue to pull off "miraculous" wins each week, Tebow and his team are drawing increasing attention to themselves. Tebow in particular draws praise, criticism, and admiration as the eyes of the world fall upon him.

Tebow is not shy about his faith. This is a huge part of why I, among many, am drawn to him and admire him. He started off his most recent press conference by thanking the Lord. He apparently ended it by saying "Ya'll have a blessed day".

Along with this, he is humble. He constantly praises his teammates, highlighting their accomplishments, stating how they make him look better than he is. He speaks or their talent AND character. He acknowledges his own weaknesses. All of this he does publicly.

Tim Tebow is in the public spotlight closely but is living his life as a believer as if he was just "any ordinary guy". I'm sure he's aware that his mistakes on and off the field will bring even greater criticism to himself as well as all believers. But, so far, he's been a shining example of what it is to stand up for what you believe in, even when you're mocked for it.

I know I want to be as real in my faith as Tim Tebow is.

Tebow's own teammates acknowledge how different he is, and the positive impact he has in their lives. ( http://www.denverpost.com/sports/ci_19527521 ) He's affecting them both on and off the field, clearly. This team is catching the attention of the world because they are winning games in what seems like an impossible fashion. Rather than "letting the Broncos win", I believe that God is simply using their wins to draw attention to the bigger, more important things going on with these men--the changes in their lives that are bringing them together as a team on the football field. That's why they are winning.

So I suppose it can still be called "divine intervention", but I think the intervention is in the hearts of men, not necessarily because God is a Broncos fan. :)

Who Am I?

Lately I've done a lot of soul-searching. Self-searching. Something I should have been doing all along and especially before getting married. And despite the chagrin to some people, it's been a very good thing. I've learned so much.

The biggest thing I've learned is that the first 25 years of my life have been largely ruled by fear. And to be honest, this seems to be a problem that plagues Christians a TON. It can affect anyone, of course, but I think the church culture breeds fear in people that they are not even aware of.

For women, the Bible has excellent teachings on how to be Godly and fill our God-given roles. However, I think the church (perhaps inadvertently in most cases) narrows this role down even further until a mold is created that not everyone fits neatly into. I remember most of the girls' groups in church/youth group giving me the impression that to be Godly I had to be soft-spoken, be pretty girly, and just possess a certain persona that I can't find words to express. But I think anyone can guess what I'm talking about.

Now, there's nothing inherently wrong with this image of a Godly woman. The problem comes in that some of us feel like this is what we HAVE to be even though it's NOT who we are. Of course, for a believer there are certain things that are a given, but God doesn't cram us into a little box and make us all little clones. He created us individually and very uniquely. But because I've been trying SO hard for many years to fit into this box (and therefore also fit into certain social groups, specific (judgmental) churches, etc) I've wasted a LOT of time.

When I could've been out trying new things, I sat at home doing the "same old" because it was SAFE. It was ACCEPTED. It was PROPER. There were things people did, even some Christians, that I scoffed at because how could that POSSIBLY be okay for a CHRISTIAN?! Not because the Bible said so but because once again doing such things meant you wouldn't fit into the neat little Christian box.

I never fit into that stupid box anyway.

One way I DO fit the stupid box is I'd love to be a stay-at-home mom and "housewife", take care of the home to make it the best place possible for my family. It's just a desire of my heart, not what I feel compelled or expected to do. And I'd love to have my own photography business on the side too because that fits in well.

But in many, many ways, I don't fit the box. :) That makes me HAPPY.

I don't have a desire to read Beverly Lewis books. (Christian girly love stories, for the uninformed). I have a tendency to burp aloud (although I try to curb this in appropriate situations). I really, really like cars. There's a list of about 7 or 8 that I wish I could have. I'm a hiking-camping type girl. I enjoy intelligent conversation, not just about men or children (God help me) or cooking or crafts. Nothing wrong with those things but I'd rather talk about cars, goofy stuff, even politics or religion at times, learn new things through conversation... I want my whole life to be a learning experience and glean new things from people I encounter.

Recent discoveries. I like beer. Not all beer, but some beers. I enjoy going out with friends to a bar, playing pool, dancing, drinking a few drinks. Not to get drunk (I discovered this is so not my forte) but to hang out and enjoy. (My new game is to let everyone else be drunk and they won't remember me being crazy anyway :) ). I also love motorcycles (I swore I'd never touch them!). I had one ride and I was hooked. I really wish this was something I could share with my husband because I couldn't think of many more romantic things than having my arms wrapped around my man as he's driving the bike, especially in the mountains or out away from the city somewhere. But perhaps sometime I'll get a license and a bike and do this on my own.

So, I'm a non-girly-girl, beer drinking, mountain climbing, motorcycle-riding, car-loving chick with a no-sass attitude. Totally don't fit the box. But I love God and I can fit all those things into living a Godly life. So there. Who am I? I've still got a lifetime to figure it out and I'm not gonna let no fear stand in my way.

The Pain Goes Deep...

5 days.

I've waited for 5 days. And still nothing. Each day my hope lessens and the hurt deepens. So far I've determinedly not given up. Today I'm at the end of my limits and unsure if I'll be able to continue.

Perhaps it's because I'm so tired. I worked over 57 hours this week. My body is worn down and my mind is exhausted. On top of that my heart is emotionally exhausted over this and other things I'm dealing with. I wish for once that'd matter to this person.

I wonder how often God feels this way with me, with humans in general. Seeing us ignore Him, turn our noses up to His signs of affection and proofs of His love. Mourns when He pours out His heart and we can only think about ourselves and what matters to us rather than to Him. It's an interesting perspective to gain for sure. I know God will grow me in that if I don't utterly fail but right now the hurt just goes so deep that it's difficult to care.

I am torn between wanting to stop caring and forget, and between hoping and fervently praying that things improve and the friendship is healed and grows stronger. That conundrum in my head and in my heart causes me daily turmoil. I'm not God; I'm not strong enough on my own to continue to withstand this. I'm doing my best but at times like now I just want to cave in.

But I don't even know what would happen if I did cave in. Would I get more depressed? Would I feel free? I'm not sure. But my heart is fiercely loyal to those I care about, to my own end probably. I'm not capable of just not caring cold-turkey--suddenly ceasing to care. Even if I were to let go of this friendship, it would pain me for a long time. I keep trying to remind myself why I am holding on but the more time that passes the more difficult it is. The memories burn tears into my eyes.

Still I'm trying. Still I'm pressing on. Through the pain, through the tears. God has me here for a reason. I hope another soul will rejoice in heaven because of this. If this is my cross to bear, I'll bear it. I just need God's strength because I can't do it on my own. I'm far too weak.

Learning to Let Go

I've done my best. I've given all I have within me. I've poured out my heart and my soul.

Nothing.

Normally when you love someone, it affects them. It changes them. It certainly changes me, especially when someone shows me love and kindness when I'm showing them the very worst of myself.

But I guess I've hit a rock wall so thick and hard that it's impenetrable. At least by me. A wall only God can break through. I know He's been using me to demonstrate His love and for that I'm eternally thankful.

But I've reached a point of brokenness and broken-hearted-ness. Right now I can't take anymore. Nothing I do to try and show love sinks in. None of it mattes. Because the instant something isn't perfect again, all of the good that's been done goes away.

I no longer know how to reach out to someone who can only think of themselves. I draw a line when the safety of another person is put behind someone's self-interests. That's plain wrong. And it hurts like hell. I give this situation to God, because only His hands are strong enough to heal.

My heart, too, needs healing. It will take time. I feel so incredibly broken. But one thing I won't change. I won't stop loving someone because they are sinful or because they hurt me. I'll be smart enough to give them space and let myself heal before being subjected to this again, but I won't give up. Because God doesn't give up. He pursues us whole-heartedly and with everything He has. But I'm human, and I need to recharge. I need to feel whole again.

My heart breaks writing these words. I'm going to need God's strength to get through each day right now. But I know that God's love wins wars. Maybe not every battle, but the war will be won. So I'll keep on fighting. But now I need to rest.

When is it Too Much?

I'm taking a break from some "therapy cleaning" to vent my thoughts.

I've discovered a few different therapies for stress and heartache this week.

1. Photographing. Sounds obvious, right? It's actually not, considering that photography itself reminds me of parts of why my heart aches.

2. Swimming. I should do this more. Whenever I'm feel particularly worked up I can swim some power laps, wear myself out, and let out my emotions at the same time. not to mention it's good exercise.

3. Cleaning/Organizing. This one shouldn't feel new to me, but it does every time I re-discover it. I've been cleaning like mad this morning. This keeps my mind occupied and my hands busy so I have less time to get lost in whatever is bothering me.

Honestly, I'd rather deal with what's bothering me than find coping mechanisms. But, when the person you need to work something out with refuses to discuss anything, a whole lot gets pent up inside. I let it out however I can--through tears, through prayer, through venting to a caring ear, or through the above mechanisms. But ultimately the problem is still there because it has not been solved.

I still feel like God is calling me down this path. It hurts a lot, but in the end could result in someone's salvation. It could result in a better, stronger, friendship and two better, stronger people. Times like today, and the past few days, I often feel so run down I want to quit. But what good what that do? I think there's too much at stake. I'll make it through because I have the strength of God in my weak human heart.

But at the same time, despite this knowledge and a heart strengthened by God's love, I feel worn out and run down. I don't know how to move forward from here. If I do something, I end up hurt by the apathy returned my way or by harsh words. If I do nothing, I am hurt by continuing to be ignored and by the memories that haunt my mind and heart and by wondering if anything will ever change.

Still, I'm determined to be resilient, patient, and trusting. Some of those traits are what lead me to where I am right now but I know they are still good. God helped me let down my wall and He allowed me to experience pain as a result. But He is God, and He is good, so He must have something really good coming up. I don't know when but I'll keep waiting. He didn't establish this connection in my life for nothing. It's not an accident.

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who know him..."

Romans 8:28

Conviction and Commitment

Yesterday I had an epiphany of sorts.

I was feeling angry. Again. Angry at being treated in a way I thought unfair and at being judged for the attitudes of my heart. Angry at not being listened to and at being pushed away.

A goal of mine recently has been to swallow my anger and try to deal with the situation in love. For me, clinging to anger is easy because it allows me to feel righteous. It reminds me I did nothing wrong and that it's the OTHER person's fault, so screw them.

I feel blessed that lately God has laid much compassion on my heart. Despite the depth of hurt I have experienced recently, His power in me has remained stronger. By the grace of God I've been able to swallow my anger, hurt and pride in most cases and demonstrate love. His love. Unconditional love. (I'm not giving myself praise here--this is the power of GOD working in me alone. I'm not capable).

"Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests but also to the interests of others." -Philippians 2:3-4

Yesterday, a thought entered my head:

"what kind of person am I, if I'm so focused on things I see someone else do that hurt me, rather than being willing to see where *I* need to grow and change? Who can I change--myself, or others?"

Deep....right?!

It's so easy to focus on what someone else is doing to hurt me. It's much more difficult to see past the raging beast to the beating heart inside, and all the more difficult to love that heart tenderly through the pain in your own heart. That's what God is teaching me lately. It's really profound. I'm understanding His love so much more when I'm giving unconditional love to another person.

At the same time, I've never experienced so much emotional pain. The pain runs deep... when you love someone through their ugliness and they refuse to love you through your own. When they refuse to talk, refuse to truly forgive, refuse to care, refuse to see your love for them. It hurts somethin' fierce.

But the second piece of the lesson for me comes through that pain--God loves us through the pain we constantly inflict in every sin we commit. Jesus paid for it all. He felt every sting. That's unfathomable to me. But I know the hurt I feel and I know how deep and profound it is... so magnify that countless times and that's God's heart.

My goal now is to resolutely love through the pain and to give all I have if it means demonstrating the unconditional love of God to another. People are hurting, people are lost. People don't understand what it's like to be loved by someone who will never leave. People don't understand why someone doesn't get angry when they are hurt--or rather, why they don't react to the anger they feel.

It's only by the grace of God.

With Great Power...

"But you will receive power when the holy spirit comes upon you..."

Acts 1:8

Recently Jason convinced me to watch the Spiderman movies. Much to my initial chagrin, but I enjoyed them despite the rampant cheesy-ness. :) A common theme prevails in the Spiderman story: "With great power comes great responsibility." Peter Parker constantly feels the need to sacrifice his own desires for the needs of people around him, because of the great power that has been bestowed upon him.

Recently I have realized that I, as a Christ follower, have a similar responsibility. If I truly belong to the Lord, then I have his holy spirit living inside of me.

"Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the holy spirit, who is in you, who you have received from God?"

1 Corinthians 6:19

The holy spirit is God living in me. That's POWER. And how do I live my life, with such great power residing in me? Well, I guess the better question is how SHOULD I be living my life with such great power residing in me. :) It hit me this morning how I have a huge responsibility. My every word and action is a testament to He who is in me, He who made me, He who saved me. I have a responsibility to honor Him in my words and actions--and even in my thoughts.

""Who can hide in secret places so that I cannot see them? Declares the Lord. "Do I not fill heaven and earth?" Declares the Lord."

Jeremiah 23:24

I can see this as a burden, or as a blessing. When I'm in sin, it sure feels like a burden. But then there is forgiveness. God calls us to perfection even though He knows we cannot attain it until He returns to establish His kingdom for eternity. And because of that He let Jesus die and pay the penalty for the times I mess up. Thank God! Because I mess up a lot.

What I've noticed recently though, is that when God is using me (He began using me again when my heart was truly willing), I find joy in being a light for Him. I find joy in being refined even by great fires and becoming a better, stronger, healthier Christ follower as a result. And that bleeds into every aspect of my life. It feels me with joy despite grievous circumstances or difficult trials. God's given me His Word so that I know what's right and wrong in His eyes and He even bailed me out of the punishments of screwing up, before I was even born to make a mistake. ("for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God..." Romans 3:23) That's love. That's grace.

And THAT is what I need to demonstrate in my life toward others.

"One of them, an expert in the law, tested him with this question: "Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?"

Jesus replied, "'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. ' This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'"

Matthew 22:35-39

If I'm following those two commandments, then I'm living my life as God intends and it will glorify Him. These commandments summarize so much of the scriptures and "rules" God wants us to live by (for our own good). With great power comes great responsibility. And with that power living in me I feel up to the challenge.

The Masquerade

Yesterday, I was reminiscing about a lot of things. Particularly some hard times I've experienced in the past few years, and the sin that happened in those times. It hurt my heart to remember those times of sin, and led me to send up some more apologies and remorse to the Lord, who has thankfully forgiven me of those sins.

On my way home from work, the song "Stained Glass Masquerade" by Casting Crowns came on. (On my playlist, because most radio stations won't play it! ) This song resonates profoundly with my heart, as Jason and I left a church we used to love this past year because of the lack of Christ-like love and an excess of misplaced judgment. I thought about what those people (many of them, anyway), and even people I call friends now who do not know about some of my past sins, would think of me, if they'd still love me, if they'd cast me out of their lives. Sadly, I believe some of them would.

Few people know about some of those sins, and truth be told only one of them was truly judgmental and condemning of it. Thankfully that person is no longer a part of my life. But I fear others might follow in his footsteps.

"...would it set me free

if I dared to let you see

the truth behind the person

that you imagine me to be

would your arms be open

or would you walk away?

or would the love of Jesus

be enough to make you stay?"

I hope that when we find a new church family we'll find people who are authentic. People who are open. People who are loving. People who don't judge without seeking the truth first. There are sins in my past that still hurt me to remember. Sins that I'm afraid to confess to any but the most trusted and closest of friends. (Thank the Lord my fiance is among them).

"Is there anyone that fails?

Is there anyone that falls?

Am I the only one in church today

feeling so small?

Cause when I take a look around

everybody seems so strong

I know they'll soon discover

that I don't belong....

So I tuck it all away

like everything's okay

if I make 'em all believe it

maybe I'll believe it too...

so with a painted grin

I'll play the part again

so everyone will see me

the way that I see them!"

I want to be real... authentic me, the good bad and ugly... I wish there were more believers I could open up to genuinely, who would understand and be there without so much judgment. Especially post-repentance. That'd be nice.

Goals

In my last post I wrote out two goals that I hope to achieve in the near future:

1. no more than 2 hours per day on my computer and

2. exercising 5 days per week.

So far, I'm doing alright, making progress.

For #1, it's tough right now as I'm constantly dealing with wedding planning via email or website. But I'm trying to cut back more and more on time I just spend "dinking around" on the computer, and put my efforts into more important things--taking care of my house and chores, playing with my cat, spending time with God. Things that I think will help me be a better wife, too. :)

For #2, definitely close! My work schedule makes it very difficult to get to 5 days per week. Last week was my first week really starting out because I'd been sick--this week so far I exercised Sunday, Monday and Tuesday! Tomorrow is an off day, mostly due to a long, 2-job work day. Thursday is on, Friday will be off for the same reasons as Weds. So if I do Thurs and Sat, my goal for the week will be achieved. :) Yay!

To be honest #2 feels like my main focus right now. I hate looking at the scale... I am apparently more heavy and overweight than I look. I'm thankful that I hold my weight well. I don't look fat or even out of shape, really. (I've always had big hips.) But I want to drop that weight and be and feel healthier. Every time I get out and walk/jog, it helps!

I've also been slowly working on another goal--eating more meals at home and cooking healthy meals. I cooked a delicious fish recipe tonight! Reminded me of schnitzel because the fish is breaded, but it's a bit healthier because it uses a dressing mix and vegetable oil instead of egg and flour. If it weren't for the dressing mix the fish would've been quite bland. I added whole wheat angel hair, tomato sauce, and steamed broccoli to balance things out, and it was delicious! Jason loved it too, which always says something. :) It's super fun finding easy and delicious recipes to cook. Arms me with much more to work with once we are married!

So I'm adding my third and fourth goals now.

#3. Cook a healthy meal at home 3-4 nights per week (eating leftovers for at least 2 of the other days). I want to make it 6 nights per week eating at home once we are married. I know that won't always work but the goal is to do this MOST of the time.

#4. Spend 30 minutes reading each day. Reading is relaxing and stimulating all at once. It's good for me. This is in addition to quiet time with the Lord; book is my choice, be it fiction or non-fiction. Right now I'm re-reading for the umpteenth time A Woman After God's Own Heart, a very encouraging book my friend Becky gave me a long time ago. It sure helps me focus on areas to grow in as a believer and as a (future) wife.

God is good--He's helping me grow and change. He's helping me with these exterior changes to my life as well as working on my heart. I love when He does that.

Wonder

As I was taking my walk today, I was observing lots of things around me. I definitely noted the crisp air as I breathed it in and felt it cool my skin. I noticed the different designs of houses in my neighborhood, and noted which ones looked nice and which were run down. I noted the parents walking their kids home from school, or the ones who walked alone. I noted that most people I passed avoided eye contact. I noted a teenager standing behind a shed in a backyard, texting on his phone. I noted younger kids playing outside in the same backyard. I noted the noise coming from many passing cars and people.

All of this made me think about the world God created for us. Some of the things I noted made me smile. They reminded me what a wonderful world I get to live in right now. Other things made me realize how often I, and others, forget to experience "wonder".

I notice in life how distracted I get with technology in particular. I can't knock on technology--I love it. I love being able to instantly contact people via the internet or texting. I love being able to receive news of important events quickly. I love the entertainment TV and movies provide. I am thankful for the benefits of technologies in the medical field, and for cars that can get me where I need to go much more quickly than past means of transportation.

When I take the time to do something "different", like go for a walk, I realize that things like that shouldn't be "different". They should be the norm. There are things I see and observe and experience in this world that simply make me smile, give me joy, point my heart and mind toward my Creator, and bring a breath of relief into my life.

Breathing fresh mountain air. Sitting and watching a sunrise, sunset, or viewing the stars. Watching antelope out on the plains, or deer in the forest. Sitting by a stream and listening to it's bubbling sound-so refreshing. Sitting and reading a book with relaxing music playing in the background. Finding a new recipe to shop for ingredients and cook for Jason. Marveling at simple (yet extravagant!) wonders such as the fact that I can decide to make my legs move (a particular thought from my walk today that just astounded me :) ). Sitting on a beach, watching the waves. Going whale watching (haven't gone, but really want to!). Watching the patterns of falling snowflakes as I sip hot cocoa while wrapped in a blanket.

These and so much more are things I want to enjoy (or learn to enjoy) now, and teach my family to enjoy later. I want to reduce the importance of technology in my life in healthy ways. I don't want to rely on TV, video games, computers, the internet, or my phone to be entertained. Oftentimes I wish life were simpler again-perhaps this is why I enjoy historical movies. I would not want to lose the benefits technology has provided, but for myself personally, I no longer want to rely on technology in ways that are unnecessary, maybe even harmful to me in the long run--physically, emotionally, spiritually.

This all probably came to mind since I did once of our marriage counseling exercises yesterday-a personal stress evaluator or something like that. I had an outline to fill out of how often I did certain things each week, ranging from work to friends to family to chores to hobbies. It was interesting to estimate how I divide my time and overall I noticed I want to spend less time on technology and more time on other healthier pursuits like cooking at home and exercise and reading.

In the long run, I know I struggle with thinking my life will count for something if I am well-educated, if I treat people a certain way, have a certain personality, live at a certain social standard. But when I really think and remember the life the Lord calls me to live, I know that all these things in the long run won't matter. The biggest reason I want to live a life of wonder is so that I can experience God to the fullest while I am here, and have even more to worship and praise Him for. I want my kids to know the Lord and how awesome He is and see me living in that way. It feels like a big challenge but I think it will be worth the effort.

I think 2 goals I am going to focus on for now are limiting my computer time to no more than 2 cumulative hours per day, and exercising 5 days per week. That's a lot for me right now, as I'm also handling 2 jobs and planning a wedding, but I think it's do-able. Who knows, maybe I'll even find myself more energized for all I have to do, and having more time to do it! :)

A Possibly Supernatural Lesson from a Loved One Lost

Today, January 21st, 2011, we buried my father-in-law. (for the purposes of this article he is my father-in-law although that will not be official for a few more months.) It was not easy to see his picture next to a container that I knew held his ashes. Just a little over a week ago, he was with us, talking with us. I could squeeze his hand or give him a hug. I could hear his soft voice and see the life in his eyes. Now that is all a memory. A precious memory.

Since Curt passed away, I've resisted the urge to sometimes ask God, "Could you please let me talk with Curt somehow? I miss his voice and I want his reassurances. I want to know he is okay and I want to ask him so many questions."

Today something very special happened to me. God answered a prayer that I never prayed. (Further proof that He knows our hearts and minds whether we pray or not.)

I did not hear Curt's voice directly. An apparition did not appear before me and communicate with me. But when Curt and Darla's former youth pastor gave the message today at Curt's graveside service, I knew without a doubt that I was hearing the same basic message that I think Curt would want me to know if he was still around to tell me in person.

The pastor, Rick I believe, recounted about the early days of knowing Curt, when he first came to the youth group at Sunkist Baptist Church in Anaheim, California. He discussed how Curt came to realize he had some weaknesses, and how he was determined to change those weaknesses. He told of how Curt beat those weaknesses as well as learned how to rest in the Lord even more than Rick himself knew how at the time.

Over the past weeks I have learned that Curt and I had quite a bit in common, for not knowing each other well yet. But today I learned that our similarities go much deeper than just sharing pineapple as a favorite fruit. Those same weaknesses that Rick mentioned about Curt describe me to a tee. It sounded like Rick was describing me as he spoke. Struggles with fear, confidence, and being controlled by emotions. That's me. And that is how Curt used to be.

This was significant to me in a couple of ways.

The first is that, for me, it explains why he was so loving, caring and gentle with me. I know he had to have seen my flaws and I expected he might think I wasn't good enough to date his son. But he was the family member I felt closest to the fastest, despite the fact that we didn't talk a lot in person. (We probably did more than I remember, and I hate that those memories are so unclear now that he is gone.) But throughout the time I knew him, I felt a special acceptance and understanding from Curt that I couldn't explain. I knew he cared about me, and he treated me as if I was his own daughter. Now, I believe that those things are still true, but I understand that he probably recognized a lot of himself in me. I think that brought us closer, without me ever realizing why.

The second reason these similarities are significant to me, is that as he probably recognized that I struggled with the same weaknesses he had, he has still taught me how to overcome those weaknesses even though he isn't even hear to tell me with his voice. I can't explain it. Maybe it is just a coincidence. But even if it is, it is a very special coincidence for me. And I believe it will have a significant impact in my life from now on.

I will pray the simple prayer that Curt learned to pray. I will learn the lessons he learned and I hope my life will make an impact, as his did. He continues to have an impact on my life even though he is no longer here to share in it directly. God's hand is at work here.

Hear my cry, O God;
listen to my prayer.

From the ends of the earth I call to you,
I call as my heart grows faint;
lead me to the rock that is higher than I.

Psalm 61:1-2

I love and miss you, Curt. Thank you, Lord, for allowing my father-in-law and kindred spirit to teach me even now.

Friends and Trust

This right here, is a beautiful picture of friendship. Yeah, it's from a movie. I happen to love this movie, but that has little to do with what I want to write about. But it does serve as an excellent illustration.



Hiccup and Toothless demonstrate important principles of friendship in this special scene. It makes me almost tear up every time I watch it, because it is so profound. There is so much trust between these two, who were once enemies. As they grow closer, Hiccup wants to touch Toothless. He knows this is a sign of trust, and he repeatedly reaches out to the dragon to demonstrate his trust for the fire-breathing beast. But Toothless has been hurt, and repeatedly pulls away, often shaking his head as he retreats, with a look saying quite clearly, "what are you doing?! He hurt me before... he can't be trusted."

But Hiccup is persistent. He is not pushy, but patient, gentle and understanding. He continues to spend time with Toothless, getting to know him, showing him love and understanding. Toothless's wall slowly comes down, and more and more of his personality comes through, drawing the two closer together, until this moment happens.

At first, Hiccup reaches out for Toothless, as usual, and the dragon pulls back slightly, warning Hiccup. This is when he realizes that he needs to let Toothless be the one to reach out. He turns his head and closes his eyes, saying without words, "I'm here if you want me. I trust you, and I hope you are ready to trust me." Toothless could bite off Hiccup's hand. He could also simply run away again. But I think this demonstration of trust actually surprises the dragon a little. He slowly moves toward Hiccup and places his nose into the boy's hand.

Despite the fact that Toothless pulls away and retreats again after Hiccup's eyes catch his once more, this is a turning point in their friendship. If they were going to have a relationship, there had to be trust. There had to be a crossroads--move forward separately, or together. I'm glad they chose to trust. They had so many reasons not to.

Even more deep, I think our relationship with God can be illustrated here. I believe in a God I cannot see, even though I believe there is evidence for Him around everywhere, every day. In a way, we are like Hiccup in reaching our hand blindly to Him and trusting Him to take care of us, not to harm us, to be our friend (although He is also a God to be feared and revered; a fitting analogy with a fire-breathing dragon with a mouth full of teeth). Sometimes we choose to trust, not knowing what is going to happen. If we didn't..... there wouldn't be friendships. People wouldn't trust each other, help each other. The world would be even more full of suspicion, doubt, and hopelessness than it already is.

Friendships, and any relationship for that matter, are about taking a chance. I've been hurt by many people I've called friends. Sometimes, those relationships break. But I believe God means for them to be healed in most cases. He is a God of relationship and created us for that. He doesn't like broken relationships (that's why He sent Jesus to fix our relationship with Him!). We're sinful people. We're going to hurt each other. If we live in fear of being hurt, we're just going to be alone, and even more hurt. I choose to accept that people I care about are going to hurt me, that I'm going to hurt them. I also choose to do my best to own up to my mistakes, apologize when I hurt someone, and do my best to mend broken relationships. I choose to trust people who have hurt me, and who I know have better intentions than it may seem, and to forgive and move forward. I choose to not let fear rule me, but to let God's love guide me and my heart and change the way I treat other people more and more.

"Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility, consider others as better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interest of others."
-Philippians 2:3-4

Putting others first is a risk. It means I may not get what I want. It means I may get hurt. But it's what God commands, and I know it makes me happy when I do it, even if it is sometimes uncomfortable. I want to live by this command more and more.

Consumerism.... and Change

I really want to grow in the Lord and change for the better. I just struggle with feeling down and depressed when there seem to be so many obstacles and difficulties. I'm not naive enough to believe it will just be easy and effortless, although my sinful human nature would like to believe so.

In one moment, I will feel the power of the Spirit working in me to overcome obstacles and a fierce determination. But I think then I start relying on my own power instead of God's.

For instance. Consumerism. I'm not THAT big of a shopper; I do not have a credit card even, I don't just enjoy spending hours shopping. I do, however, sometimes enjoy shopping. There are certain things I really enjoy spending money on, like DVDs, books, and vacations (though the last of those is a rarity). I tend to be impulsive, which God has convicted me a lot on lately. If I want something and have the money in my account, it's tough for me to say no. Although, I think I've improved on that a great deal.
What drives me most insane are moments like this, right now. I'm sitting here, observing all the heaping clutter I possess, wondering how I end up with so much "stuff" that I do not need or use. And yet I find myself going out and buying more?! It drives me nuts.

The underlying conclusion in all that, is that I need to be a better steward of my financial resources. A much better one. I need to choose what I spend money on wisely, so that I can build a better financial foundation for the future (haha good alliteration) and be better prepared to be a responsible wife and mother. Those are awesome thoughts, but so much more difficult to put into practice. I suck at budgeting (especially since I have an inconsistent job), and I suck at taking the time even to plan good meals in advance so I'm not buying fast food when I'm too tired to cook. There's another problem-I need to plan ahead!

In general, I see sooo many things in my life I want to change, and I can't do it without God's help. I still have a lot to learn about seeking Him and leaning on Him to rely on HIS strength and HIS power. I feel helpless in that area right now. If you're reading this, please pray. I want to be a woman after God's own heart, and I feel distant from that goal right now.

Ephesians 2:14

This weekend, while camping in the beautiful mountains of Rocky Mountain National Park, God put a lot of verses on my mind and convictions in my heart. My next few blog entries will center around those things, especially as I follow the conviction to give my life over to Him much more fully than I have been.

Ephesians 2:14 (TNIV): For he himself is our peace, who has made the two one [referring to the Jews and Gentiles] and has destroyed the barrier.

The biggest word which stands out to me in this passage is PEACE. HE is our PEACE. That means He is supposed to be MY peace, too.

Something I realize often and yet have much difficulty in changing is the lack of peace in my heart. I think this is primarily caused by me constantly acting on impulse in all sorts of things, by relying on my emotions and acting and thinking based upon them, and not fully trusting God to take care of me. I know those are incorrect and even sinful things, but they are still difficult to change. In Christ I can know all the peace of God because He, the great God of the entire universe, cared enough to die for me.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, present your requests to God. And the PEACE of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:13-14

I will have that peace from God, Christ being my peace, when I choose to give my anxieties and fears to Him, and trust in Him.

"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." Hebrews 11:1

Now THAT is a tough verse for a human to follow. Trusting what is unseen? Ha! We as people RELY on what we can see. Mostly, anyway. But God calls us to something bigger, trusting in what we cannot see--Himself included--this is called FAITH. I need to have greater Faith that when I give my worries and fears to God, He WILL fill me with peace beyond what I can comprehend and He WILL take care of me! When I place my faith and trust in Him completely, He will prove Himself beyond measure.

That all sounds scary, even after I type it, but I know it's true. So that's going to be my greatest focus for tomorrow. Working on simply trusting God and having faith in Him, letting Him fill me with peace about the things I worry about by giving them into His hands.

~Fantasy~

At Radiant Church last Sunday, the pastor spoke about the supernatural and physical realms, and focused briefly on the human fascination with the supernatural and fantasy. This small snippet piqued my interest, mostly due to Jason being so into fantasy and it reminding me of how I "categorize" people who are really into fantasy.

Then I realized, agreeing with the pastor, that really, most people are really into fantasy to some degree or another.

We all imagine something more, something greater (at least, most of us do). We imagine things unseen, things more powerful than what we experience in our everyday lives. We imagine new creatures, magical powers, new worlds, and they capture our imaginations and give our hearts hope and adventure we crave in the everyday life.

God promises us this adventure and satisfies our longings for something greater. Or at least, He should. I know I fall far short of allowing the Truth of His word to capture my heart and imagination the way exciting stories and movies do. I just find it funny how we sit in this world, allowing our minds and hearts to be captivated by new, imaginary worlds when God has promised us a REAL one, a real one that will be entirely revealed in the future. In His Word He gives us snippet views of that world (all over Revelation and other prophecy-containing books of the Bible). We even get brand new bodies. We'll never have longings or fears or sadness again... in God there is hope because of Jesus.

Yet even we Christian believers often get caught up in the fantasy of this world, feeling a longing for something more. God created us with that longing--it is natural--but He wants to be the fulfiller of that. There is nothing wrong with enjoying fantasy and made-up worlds in our imagination, but I think when we do not intentionally let God fill us, give Him the first seat in captivating our imaginations, we not only cut Him down but ourselves as well. We deny ourselves that for which we were created. And much as I hate to admit it, I think it's a fine line to walk.

I'm not going to stop enjoying fantasy. But I think I'm going to try to be more intentional about letting the "fantasy" that is REALITY, what God has promised us in the future, the ULTIMATE adventure, captivate my heart above anything I can find here on this earth.

After all, isn't the story always the same? Good vanquishes evil. We know the ending because it's plastered all over history, all over narratives..... it's buried inherently in our hearts. God placed that there and it leads us to Him. He wins, so we win if we're on His side. In the greatest battle of all, We win. And it's still an adventure in the making, even with the ending having already been decided on the cross.

Waiting on God

Many people say they are waiting on God, waiting on signs and direction from God, etc. I myself say this a lot. But every time I think it or hear it, I find myself asking, "what exactly am I looking for as an answer?" Or, what is the other person looking for?

I definitely understand praying and seeking God on decisions and direction, especially big ones. But I also know there are times to wait and times to press forward and make a decision based on faith and Truth.

In my small group in college we listened to a series called "Decision Making and the Will of God". I don't remember too much except the distinctions between free will and God's sovereign will, and even more starkly, that God isn't always going to drop a clear answer in our lap but expects us to grow up spiritually enough to make decisions that are wise and that honor Him. It's like the verse in Ephesians about spiritual milk versus solid food. God wants us to grow in Him to a solid food stage. Now, I don't think this means that in every instance we just say "okay, I'm spiritually mature so this is what I think is right." I think He wants us to deliberate, to think, to pray, to refresh our minds in His word. But there comes a point when ultimately we are mature enough to use the Truth we know to make decisions that honor God and are good for our lives.

Maybe this is why sometimes, when we pray, we don't seem to get answers.

Maybe God is saying, whispering, "you know Me... you know my Word... seek my Word, seek wisdom from mature believers, remember what you know about Me.... then make a decision that you know will make Me smile."

And sometimes there is more than one right choice. And that's really cool. Sometimes God gives us options. Sometimes I think He simply wants us to decide. He presents two or more good options and maybe those are opportunities for us to practice making decisions and growing. Maybe these are growing opportunities.

I wonder how this might change my outlook on some decisions I make in the near future.

Fear

I don't feel deep or profound right now. I just feel tired. And like writing something.

I know I struggle a lot with fear. That's a direct consequence of growing up not being able to trust the people I was in contact with. Not just at home, although that was the biggest part of it. It's been so prevalent that fear and distrust feels second nature to me. And yet, I think deep down I have a very trusting nature and that's what makes it so hard on me. It still hurts a lot every time my trust is betrayed even though I half expect it anymore.

But I don't want to live in fear. I don't want to build walls. I want to love and trust and be genuine and open and vulnerable to a reasonable extent. ESPECIALLY with those closest to my heart. I hate that sometimes, when I begin to feel genuinely happy, I seem to subconsciously catch myself and say "what are you doing?! Be careful!" and immediately some walls go up and I become suspicious that my happiness will be imminently destroyed. And probably because the person with whom I am happy will disappoint and hurt me again.

I know no one is perfect and I do not expect perfection. This is a big part of the struggle. My tendencies seem to reflect an expectation of perfection, of never being hurt, but I do not expect that at all. Sometimes I just feel emotional pain so profoundly that I fear experiencing it again, and I fear experiencing the intense pain associated with loss.

All these things, I have to give to God. It's a daily battle, but when it's victorious, my day is filled with joy. When it's not, there are a lot more struggles. But God is still good through it all. He's there for me and fighting with me. I'm also thankful to know I have friends praying for me, and I believe more strongly now that Jason is fighting with me and for me as well, not just hoping I will change and stop being fearful. I think that's needed in a lifelong partnership like the one we hope to enter into. God didn't create us alone. He never meant to. "It is not good for the man to be alone." So He created Eve as Adam's helper and partner. Eve was created for companionship and Adam was designed to fight for her and protect her. Even spiritually... he is meant to lift her up and encourage her, as she is him, although he is the leader.

With God fighting for me, my friends lifting me in prayer, and my man fighting for me and loving me through my struggles as well, I know there is eternal victory ahead for this battle.

Sin...

...it can seem so innocent and okay in the moment, but later when it hits you that what you did was wrong in the eyes of God, it seems so pointless. Funny how that works. Hindsight is 20/20, for sure. so I wonder why we repeat sin over and over when we KNOW for a fact that it will hurt later and even worse, that it hurts God? I know that sin is our nature, and even after we are "made new" in Christ (2 Cor 5:17) that we still have to fight that sin nature. But with that, and knowing the human brain and its intelligence, we still somehow sin in the same ways over and over. Be it in our thoughts or with our actions... it makes no sense to me, even though I myself struggle with this problem.

Another aspect of sin I struggle with is the subsequent remorse. I feel self hatred at times, especially with sins that are all but habitual. "Why did I do that AGAIN, God??!?!" I think. I feel disappointed in myself for failing in living for Him in that moment. Something He put on my heart today was that I must let Him take it away, as He has removed my sins as far as the East is from the West, as long as I ask Him to and ask His forgiveness. That's a lot easier said than done, as I tend to think that if it's that easy, I must be just trying to use grace as an excuse. I know that's not necessarily the case, and I just need to check my heart attitude, but as always, easier said than done. I second guess myself far too much.

On the other hand, more wonderful rain here in Colorado. It's so odd that we've had so much in July compared to June and now into August. Not that I am complaining. :)

Now I am trying to figure out the best way to spend the evening with Jason. He wants to write; I'm not feeling so creative this evening. It was my first real day at work and it was kind of tiring even though I enjoyed it (I love having a job I love!). I'm trying to decide if it's selfish to not write much even if I let him write... or just suck it up and try anyway.