The Pain Goes Deep...

5 days.

I've waited for 5 days. And still nothing. Each day my hope lessens and the hurt deepens. So far I've determinedly not given up. Today I'm at the end of my limits and unsure if I'll be able to continue.

Perhaps it's because I'm so tired. I worked over 57 hours this week. My body is worn down and my mind is exhausted. On top of that my heart is emotionally exhausted over this and other things I'm dealing with. I wish for once that'd matter to this person.

I wonder how often God feels this way with me, with humans in general. Seeing us ignore Him, turn our noses up to His signs of affection and proofs of His love. Mourns when He pours out His heart and we can only think about ourselves and what matters to us rather than to Him. It's an interesting perspective to gain for sure. I know God will grow me in that if I don't utterly fail but right now the hurt just goes so deep that it's difficult to care.

I am torn between wanting to stop caring and forget, and between hoping and fervently praying that things improve and the friendship is healed and grows stronger. That conundrum in my head and in my heart causes me daily turmoil. I'm not God; I'm not strong enough on my own to continue to withstand this. I'm doing my best but at times like now I just want to cave in.

But I don't even know what would happen if I did cave in. Would I get more depressed? Would I feel free? I'm not sure. But my heart is fiercely loyal to those I care about, to my own end probably. I'm not capable of just not caring cold-turkey--suddenly ceasing to care. Even if I were to let go of this friendship, it would pain me for a long time. I keep trying to remind myself why I am holding on but the more time that passes the more difficult it is. The memories burn tears into my eyes.

Still I'm trying. Still I'm pressing on. Through the pain, through the tears. God has me here for a reason. I hope another soul will rejoice in heaven because of this. If this is my cross to bear, I'll bear it. I just need God's strength because I can't do it on my own. I'm far too weak.

With Great Power...

"But you will receive power when the holy spirit comes upon you..."

Acts 1:8

Recently Jason convinced me to watch the Spiderman movies. Much to my initial chagrin, but I enjoyed them despite the rampant cheesy-ness. :) A common theme prevails in the Spiderman story: "With great power comes great responsibility." Peter Parker constantly feels the need to sacrifice his own desires for the needs of people around him, because of the great power that has been bestowed upon him.

Recently I have realized that I, as a Christ follower, have a similar responsibility. If I truly belong to the Lord, then I have his holy spirit living inside of me.

"Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the holy spirit, who is in you, who you have received from God?"

1 Corinthians 6:19

The holy spirit is God living in me. That's POWER. And how do I live my life, with such great power residing in me? Well, I guess the better question is how SHOULD I be living my life with such great power residing in me. :) It hit me this morning how I have a huge responsibility. My every word and action is a testament to He who is in me, He who made me, He who saved me. I have a responsibility to honor Him in my words and actions--and even in my thoughts.

""Who can hide in secret places so that I cannot see them? Declares the Lord. "Do I not fill heaven and earth?" Declares the Lord."

Jeremiah 23:24

I can see this as a burden, or as a blessing. When I'm in sin, it sure feels like a burden. But then there is forgiveness. God calls us to perfection even though He knows we cannot attain it until He returns to establish His kingdom for eternity. And because of that He let Jesus die and pay the penalty for the times I mess up. Thank God! Because I mess up a lot.

What I've noticed recently though, is that when God is using me (He began using me again when my heart was truly willing), I find joy in being a light for Him. I find joy in being refined even by great fires and becoming a better, stronger, healthier Christ follower as a result. And that bleeds into every aspect of my life. It feels me with joy despite grievous circumstances or difficult trials. God's given me His Word so that I know what's right and wrong in His eyes and He even bailed me out of the punishments of screwing up, before I was even born to make a mistake. ("for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God..." Romans 3:23) That's love. That's grace.

And THAT is what I need to demonstrate in my life toward others.

"One of them, an expert in the law, tested him with this question: "Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?"

Jesus replied, "'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. ' This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'"

Matthew 22:35-39

If I'm following those two commandments, then I'm living my life as God intends and it will glorify Him. These commandments summarize so much of the scriptures and "rules" God wants us to live by (for our own good). With great power comes great responsibility. And with that power living in me I feel up to the challenge.