Who Am I?

Lately I've done a lot of soul-searching. Self-searching. Something I should have been doing all along and especially before getting married. And despite the chagrin to some people, it's been a very good thing. I've learned so much.

The biggest thing I've learned is that the first 25 years of my life have been largely ruled by fear. And to be honest, this seems to be a problem that plagues Christians a TON. It can affect anyone, of course, but I think the church culture breeds fear in people that they are not even aware of.

For women, the Bible has excellent teachings on how to be Godly and fill our God-given roles. However, I think the church (perhaps inadvertently in most cases) narrows this role down even further until a mold is created that not everyone fits neatly into. I remember most of the girls' groups in church/youth group giving me the impression that to be Godly I had to be soft-spoken, be pretty girly, and just possess a certain persona that I can't find words to express. But I think anyone can guess what I'm talking about.

Now, there's nothing inherently wrong with this image of a Godly woman. The problem comes in that some of us feel like this is what we HAVE to be even though it's NOT who we are. Of course, for a believer there are certain things that are a given, but God doesn't cram us into a little box and make us all little clones. He created us individually and very uniquely. But because I've been trying SO hard for many years to fit into this box (and therefore also fit into certain social groups, specific (judgmental) churches, etc) I've wasted a LOT of time.

When I could've been out trying new things, I sat at home doing the "same old" because it was SAFE. It was ACCEPTED. It was PROPER. There were things people did, even some Christians, that I scoffed at because how could that POSSIBLY be okay for a CHRISTIAN?! Not because the Bible said so but because once again doing such things meant you wouldn't fit into the neat little Christian box.

I never fit into that stupid box anyway.

One way I DO fit the stupid box is I'd love to be a stay-at-home mom and "housewife", take care of the home to make it the best place possible for my family. It's just a desire of my heart, not what I feel compelled or expected to do. And I'd love to have my own photography business on the side too because that fits in well.

But in many, many ways, I don't fit the box. :) That makes me HAPPY.

I don't have a desire to read Beverly Lewis books. (Christian girly love stories, for the uninformed). I have a tendency to burp aloud (although I try to curb this in appropriate situations). I really, really like cars. There's a list of about 7 or 8 that I wish I could have. I'm a hiking-camping type girl. I enjoy intelligent conversation, not just about men or children (God help me) or cooking or crafts. Nothing wrong with those things but I'd rather talk about cars, goofy stuff, even politics or religion at times, learn new things through conversation... I want my whole life to be a learning experience and glean new things from people I encounter.

Recent discoveries. I like beer. Not all beer, but some beers. I enjoy going out with friends to a bar, playing pool, dancing, drinking a few drinks. Not to get drunk (I discovered this is so not my forte) but to hang out and enjoy. (My new game is to let everyone else be drunk and they won't remember me being crazy anyway :) ). I also love motorcycles (I swore I'd never touch them!). I had one ride and I was hooked. I really wish this was something I could share with my husband because I couldn't think of many more romantic things than having my arms wrapped around my man as he's driving the bike, especially in the mountains or out away from the city somewhere. But perhaps sometime I'll get a license and a bike and do this on my own.

So, I'm a non-girly-girl, beer drinking, mountain climbing, motorcycle-riding, car-loving chick with a no-sass attitude. Totally don't fit the box. But I love God and I can fit all those things into living a Godly life. So there. Who am I? I've still got a lifetime to figure it out and I'm not gonna let no fear stand in my way.

wHOA...

I wrote the title with caps lock on, but I think I will keep it that way because it just fits.

I had a really good time tonight. Probably the best time I've had in a long time. It wasn't perfect, but it was distracting and fun! Here's the big indicator--I didn't check facebook on my phone ONCE. Not ONCE. That's a HUGE deal for me. It means I was having a good time and enjoying the company I was with.

My head is kind loopy right now. I don't drink a lot so it doesn't take much to give me a buzz, even on a full stomach. Me and Arlene ate at Jimmy John's downtown before we met up with friends, and I actually applied to work there. We'll see what happens. I'm over-qualified but that doesn't mean much. I'm not even sure I want to take that road again.

Then we met up with Kory and his wife Mandie at Phantom Canyon Brewing Co. Had a beer, played some pool, it was really fun. :) I enjoy getting to know people outside of work. I've been thrilled to make better friends with co-workers lately and especially when Arlene leaves I'll be very thankful for those friends.

After Phanton Canyon we walked to Southside Joe's (who may have double charged me, waiting to find out, grrrrr). Had a good time there... first Irish car bomb (SUPER yums!) and a blue moon (also yummm). That's when I started the current minor headache I have. It takes a while to set in for me though, I didn't really feel the full effects til I was home. The music got crazy loud so we decided to leave especially since we had a bit of a walk back to both vehicles. We got my car then met up with Kory and Mandie once we finally found freakin' parking and then...

KORY TOOK ME FOR A RIDE ON HIS MOTORCYCLE!!!!

Maybe that sounds silly to be excited about but it was the first time for me. And it was AMAZING!!!!

That experience helped me realize further that I feel like I've been living too "safely". There's obviously good guidelines to live within but... I've allowed myself to say things aren't a "good idea" simply because they intimidate me or seem too unsafe. But feeling the wind in my hair and on my face, feeling the rapid acceleration of the bike, and thinking how AWESOME it would be to experience that with someone I love was absolutely intoxicating. I was surprised Kory's wife said she didn't like wrapping her arms around him when she had to ride passenger on the bike. That would totally be romantic and awesome to me, to experience the adrenaline of the ride while being so close to the person I love. I enjoyed it simply with a friend! WOW what an experience.

I think I've made too many "safe" decisions in my life. Choosing what's expected, proper, or "right" even when I could make other choices that aren't any less right but would be far happier for me in the long run. And not necessarily less God-honoring either. I'm just tired of letting fear run my life. I don't know if I'd ever go so far as sky-diving but I think I'm ready to truly LIVE. No fear or trepidation.

Ramblings.

What a day.

What a week.

I could go on with that, but I won't. It'd be supremely annoying.

I've not been so talented at blogging thus far but maybe a renewed commitment to honesty will help. I find the more passionate my heart behind my words, the more authentic they are--and the more interesting to read.

Today has differed from the recent norm, and although this has brought a measure of difficulty it has brought an equal portion of inspiration. Not so much in all of my most recent passions, but in other "stuff". Good "stuff". I think. I hope.

In light of leaving my job at Jimmy John's, I've taken a stand to delve deeper into photography as art. No longer just take-a-thousand-photos-and-hope-one-is-good photography, but COMMITTED photography. PASSIONATE photography. Stepping outside the norm to look for something n

ew and different that sets me on fire.

Ha-ha, some may think, who follow my "daily photo(s)" album on Facebook. "You're sure taken a lot of pictures of YOU!" Why yes, yes I have. Who cares? I can be my own subject. AND it will help me with an

other problem I'm set on overcoming NOW.

Fear.

I have some choice words for fear because it's ruled my life long enough.

It's lead to ruined or damaged relationships. It's lead to poor decisions made. It's lead to missed opportunities. It's lead to the constant breaking of my heart. NO MORE!

Part of the reason I chose to buy a bright orange car after I was rear-ended in March was to build my c

onfidence. Part of the reason I've decided to no longer fear the self-portrait is to build my confidence. See myself as who I really am and who God made me to be and no longer be ashamed. If people don't like who I am, whatever. Their problem. Of course, I'm always striving to be a better person. But some people's opinions just don't change and just don't matter.

These decisions don't solve all the problems I'm facing in my life. Even the ones I'm facing today, right now. But they will probably do me good in the long run. I'm no longer going to live a confined life. I am going to live an adventure-ful life. Camera in tow and whoever wants to join.

The Masquerade

Yesterday, I was reminiscing about a lot of things. Particularly some hard times I've experienced in the past few years, and the sin that happened in those times. It hurt my heart to remember those times of sin, and led me to send up some more apologies and remorse to the Lord, who has thankfully forgiven me of those sins.

On my way home from work, the song "Stained Glass Masquerade" by Casting Crowns came on. (On my playlist, because most radio stations won't play it! ) This song resonates profoundly with my heart, as Jason and I left a church we used to love this past year because of the lack of Christ-like love and an excess of misplaced judgment. I thought about what those people (many of them, anyway), and even people I call friends now who do not know about some of my past sins, would think of me, if they'd still love me, if they'd cast me out of their lives. Sadly, I believe some of them would.

Few people know about some of those sins, and truth be told only one of them was truly judgmental and condemning of it. Thankfully that person is no longer a part of my life. But I fear others might follow in his footsteps.

"...would it set me free

if I dared to let you see

the truth behind the person

that you imagine me to be

would your arms be open

or would you walk away?

or would the love of Jesus

be enough to make you stay?"

I hope that when we find a new church family we'll find people who are authentic. People who are open. People who are loving. People who don't judge without seeking the truth first. There are sins in my past that still hurt me to remember. Sins that I'm afraid to confess to any but the most trusted and closest of friends. (Thank the Lord my fiance is among them).

"Is there anyone that fails?

Is there anyone that falls?

Am I the only one in church today

feeling so small?

Cause when I take a look around

everybody seems so strong

I know they'll soon discover

that I don't belong....

So I tuck it all away

like everything's okay

if I make 'em all believe it

maybe I'll believe it too...

so with a painted grin

I'll play the part again

so everyone will see me

the way that I see them!"

I want to be real... authentic me, the good bad and ugly... I wish there were more believers I could open up to genuinely, who would understand and be there without so much judgment. Especially post-repentance. That'd be nice.