Waiting on God

Many people say they are waiting on God, waiting on signs and direction from God, etc. I myself say this a lot. But every time I think it or hear it, I find myself asking, "what exactly am I looking for as an answer?" Or, what is the other person looking for?

I definitely understand praying and seeking God on decisions and direction, especially big ones. But I also know there are times to wait and times to press forward and make a decision based on faith and Truth.

In my small group in college we listened to a series called "Decision Making and the Will of God". I don't remember too much except the distinctions between free will and God's sovereign will, and even more starkly, that God isn't always going to drop a clear answer in our lap but expects us to grow up spiritually enough to make decisions that are wise and that honor Him. It's like the verse in Ephesians about spiritual milk versus solid food. God wants us to grow in Him to a solid food stage. Now, I don't think this means that in every instance we just say "okay, I'm spiritually mature so this is what I think is right." I think He wants us to deliberate, to think, to pray, to refresh our minds in His word. But there comes a point when ultimately we are mature enough to use the Truth we know to make decisions that honor God and are good for our lives.

Maybe this is why sometimes, when we pray, we don't seem to get answers.

Maybe God is saying, whispering, "you know Me... you know my Word... seek my Word, seek wisdom from mature believers, remember what you know about Me.... then make a decision that you know will make Me smile."

And sometimes there is more than one right choice. And that's really cool. Sometimes God gives us options. Sometimes I think He simply wants us to decide. He presents two or more good options and maybe those are opportunities for us to practice making decisions and growing. Maybe these are growing opportunities.

I wonder how this might change my outlook on some decisions I make in the near future.

Decisions Decisions

So... I've potentially been offered yet another job. I have a profile on a website called nannies4hire. I've been ignoring it since getting my job with Lifetouch, but got a message from a family in Monument this morning. They were interested in me because of my musical background especially. They have a salary (per week) ranging from 300-700... even if I was making 500, I'd be ridiculously comfortable financially. I figured out that after all my bills, if I had a 630/month lease with 25 bucks pet rent and some estimated utilities, I'd still have around 700/month left over to save, tithe, and have fun with.

I love my job with Lifetouch. I love taking pictures, hanging out with my co workers, learning a little about photography, and making kids smile in schools. I love that we're in a different place every day or three. I wish I could get guaranteed hours and that the job was full year-round, but still, I love my job.

On the other hand, this job has its perks too, besides money. I would be working 11 hours a day, 4 days per week. Out of those 11 hours, only 3-4 would be with the kids (elementary aged, not toddlers, so much more fun for me). The in-between times would be spent doing household stuff for the family--shopping, cooking, cleaning, etc. I really don't mind doing those things, especially by myself. I can be introverted and sometimes really enjoy working by myself. So the job wouldn't end up being exhausting. Paid holidays. Paid health insurance. Good deal.

I'm wondering what God might be telling me through this. I figure that
1. He could be reminding me that I have a job that I love and even though it pays less, it's a great job I love and I can be more flexible with it, especially when it comes to things like moving and getting married. Maybe He's trying to get me to realize I love money too much and need to remember that money is not everything and He will provide.
2. He could be answering prayer! I constantly pray for God to provide when it comes to me and Jason's jobs and income. What I really wish is that He'd provide JASON a really good job, but the offers seem to keep falling into my lap, which I just don't get. Jason is the one who needs to and wants to be the provider. But if God's going to provide for us, might this job be an answer?

I have no freakin' idea. this is so frustrating. The biggest frustration is they want someone to start by the end of the month, leaving very little time for decision making. Please pray hardcore, and provide input. I'm leaning toward staying with Lifetouch, but I can't make a decision without taking time to pray and think.

I am Le Tired

I love my job.

But sometimes, coming home and feeling exhausted is just not fun. I want to have energy to enjoy the rest of my day, but usually I'm so tired I don't want to clean, or exercise, or do much else besides eat (but not cook if I can help it), chill on the couch, maybe watch something, and fall asleep.

I don't want life to be that way!

Maybe it will just take time to get used to my job. In all honesty, i feel like I'm already adjusting to the long hours. I don't feel quite as exhausted as I did last week. But still, as of right now I've been up for 16 hours and 20 minutes. Bedtime is in about 2 hours.

What I really want is to have energy to come home and cook a nice dinner for me and Jason, keep things clean (okay, if I did better at that to begin with it wouldn't be such a problem. :) ), go for a nice brisk walk or something, and just feel like I'm truly pouring into him. I think I know how Jason feels after his long days now. It's hard to be in a place where both of us have jobs where we may work really long hours and be exhausted, because then it's hard to pour into each other and help each other. I guess as we move from one stage of our relationship to another, we'll learn better how to balance things and share the load, especially when we are married.

But right now it's just hard.

*YawN*

House

Sometimes I feel a lot like Dr. House.

Jason and I finished up Season 1 the other day. It was interesting to learn so much about him throughout the season. He felt like a giant mystery and puzzle. I loved seeing the crazy cases they dealt with, and all the little personal dramas in various relationships, but ultimately, House intrigues me most of all. (And seriously, who has a last name of House? haha... I think that's pretty fun).

House is snide, cynical, distrusting, seemingly uncaring, sarcastic, rude, witty, hilarious, genius, and I also believe passionate. I feel like he's an exaggerated version of myself (well, not in ALL those characteristics :) ). I feel I can relate to him. His past experiences, especially with people, led him to become distrusting, bitter, and cynical. He buries his feelings deep inside and has a tough outer shell to protect his heart.

The big difference is, I don't want to be like House at his age. I want to still let myself trust people, love people, and be open to people. I'd love to have his sense of humor. I love his sarcasm. But rather than push people away, I want to hold them close, even after they hurt me. Even when I know that will hurt me more at the time. Because in the end, it will make me a better, more Godly person. In my heart I feel much sympathy for the things House had to deal with in his life and relationships. His distance from people is very intentional, and while I do not want to be like that, I understand it.

Funny how we can relate to fictional characters so well. Although they are created for us to relate to.

In conclusion, I am simply amazed at Hugh Laurie's American accent. Impeccable.

Fear

I don't feel deep or profound right now. I just feel tired. And like writing something.

I know I struggle a lot with fear. That's a direct consequence of growing up not being able to trust the people I was in contact with. Not just at home, although that was the biggest part of it. It's been so prevalent that fear and distrust feels second nature to me. And yet, I think deep down I have a very trusting nature and that's what makes it so hard on me. It still hurts a lot every time my trust is betrayed even though I half expect it anymore.

But I don't want to live in fear. I don't want to build walls. I want to love and trust and be genuine and open and vulnerable to a reasonable extent. ESPECIALLY with those closest to my heart. I hate that sometimes, when I begin to feel genuinely happy, I seem to subconsciously catch myself and say "what are you doing?! Be careful!" and immediately some walls go up and I become suspicious that my happiness will be imminently destroyed. And probably because the person with whom I am happy will disappoint and hurt me again.

I know no one is perfect and I do not expect perfection. This is a big part of the struggle. My tendencies seem to reflect an expectation of perfection, of never being hurt, but I do not expect that at all. Sometimes I just feel emotional pain so profoundly that I fear experiencing it again, and I fear experiencing the intense pain associated with loss.

All these things, I have to give to God. It's a daily battle, but when it's victorious, my day is filled with joy. When it's not, there are a lot more struggles. But God is still good through it all. He's there for me and fighting with me. I'm also thankful to know I have friends praying for me, and I believe more strongly now that Jason is fighting with me and for me as well, not just hoping I will change and stop being fearful. I think that's needed in a lifelong partnership like the one we hope to enter into. God didn't create us alone. He never meant to. "It is not good for the man to be alone." So He created Eve as Adam's helper and partner. Eve was created for companionship and Adam was designed to fight for her and protect her. Even spiritually... he is meant to lift her up and encourage her, as she is him, although he is the leader.

With God fighting for me, my friends lifting me in prayer, and my man fighting for me and loving me through my struggles as well, I know there is eternal victory ahead for this battle.

Sin...

...it can seem so innocent and okay in the moment, but later when it hits you that what you did was wrong in the eyes of God, it seems so pointless. Funny how that works. Hindsight is 20/20, for sure. so I wonder why we repeat sin over and over when we KNOW for a fact that it will hurt later and even worse, that it hurts God? I know that sin is our nature, and even after we are "made new" in Christ (2 Cor 5:17) that we still have to fight that sin nature. But with that, and knowing the human brain and its intelligence, we still somehow sin in the same ways over and over. Be it in our thoughts or with our actions... it makes no sense to me, even though I myself struggle with this problem.

Another aspect of sin I struggle with is the subsequent remorse. I feel self hatred at times, especially with sins that are all but habitual. "Why did I do that AGAIN, God??!?!" I think. I feel disappointed in myself for failing in living for Him in that moment. Something He put on my heart today was that I must let Him take it away, as He has removed my sins as far as the East is from the West, as long as I ask Him to and ask His forgiveness. That's a lot easier said than done, as I tend to think that if it's that easy, I must be just trying to use grace as an excuse. I know that's not necessarily the case, and I just need to check my heart attitude, but as always, easier said than done. I second guess myself far too much.

On the other hand, more wonderful rain here in Colorado. It's so odd that we've had so much in July compared to June and now into August. Not that I am complaining. :)

Now I am trying to figure out the best way to spend the evening with Jason. He wants to write; I'm not feeling so creative this evening. It was my first real day at work and it was kind of tiring even though I enjoyed it (I love having a job I love!). I'm trying to decide if it's selfish to not write much even if I let him write... or just suck it up and try anyway.

It's Been AWhile!

I realize I haven't posted in almost a year. Crazy! Sometimes I get really into blogging, and sometimes I do not.

Something I've realized lately is that there is a lot people can learn from each other. I've learned so much and God has spoken to me immensely through other peoples' blogs and such. So I thought I should start again. Share what God shows me on a more regular basis. And just share the joys I experience in life--and the hard times--because we can all learn from those.

That said... there is a thunderstorm starting here in the Springs and I'm excited! I love thunderstorms. They fascinate me. They are powerful and yet God protects us from them too for the most part. For how strong He has made weather and nature, He is still in control and allows us to still have dominion over the earth. Kinda crazy! :)

I also start the real work part of my new job tomorrow! I'm kind of nervous! I'm excited too, because I get to learn about photography, my favorite thing to do, but I do not want to mess up either! I'm praying God will help me have great work ethic and give it my best and work as working for Him and not men. :)