Ephesians 3:12

Ephesians 3:12--In him and through faith in him we may approach God with freedom and confidence.

I love this verse. It epitomizes everything I desire in my relationship with God that feels difficult to grasp right now.

The key words for me in this verse are FREEDOM and CONFIDENCE. These are two things I rarely feel when approaching God, which is why I believe He stuck this verse onto my heart with metaphorical gorilla glue. I find that I approach God timidly, fearfully (not the right kind of fear, but scared-fear), not with complete trust and confidence.

The problem is, I have EVERY reason to approach Him in freedom and confidence. Jesus died for every little thing (and big thing) I do wrong, and when I ask God's forgiveness He takes it away, 100%. So why fear? It's done and gone. He's not sitting there continuing to shake His head in sad disappointment. He's not pushing me away. He's sitting there welcoming me into His loving arms, waiting to dote on my heart some more with His limitless grace and mercy.

I'm not entirely certain why this concept is so difficult to immerse my heart in and believe wholeheartedly. I know I tend to live in fear too much, and it's tough to break out of fear when it gains a stronghold. But I am determined, by the power of the Spirit of God, to keep this truth in my mind and heart until it takes hold more strongly and becomes my natural reaction to God--to approach Him in freedom and confidence rather than in fear.

Consumerism.... and Change

I really want to grow in the Lord and change for the better. I just struggle with feeling down and depressed when there seem to be so many obstacles and difficulties. I'm not naive enough to believe it will just be easy and effortless, although my sinful human nature would like to believe so.

In one moment, I will feel the power of the Spirit working in me to overcome obstacles and a fierce determination. But I think then I start relying on my own power instead of God's.

For instance. Consumerism. I'm not THAT big of a shopper; I do not have a credit card even, I don't just enjoy spending hours shopping. I do, however, sometimes enjoy shopping. There are certain things I really enjoy spending money on, like DVDs, books, and vacations (though the last of those is a rarity). I tend to be impulsive, which God has convicted me a lot on lately. If I want something and have the money in my account, it's tough for me to say no. Although, I think I've improved on that a great deal.
What drives me most insane are moments like this, right now. I'm sitting here, observing all the heaping clutter I possess, wondering how I end up with so much "stuff" that I do not need or use. And yet I find myself going out and buying more?! It drives me nuts.

The underlying conclusion in all that, is that I need to be a better steward of my financial resources. A much better one. I need to choose what I spend money on wisely, so that I can build a better financial foundation for the future (haha good alliteration) and be better prepared to be a responsible wife and mother. Those are awesome thoughts, but so much more difficult to put into practice. I suck at budgeting (especially since I have an inconsistent job), and I suck at taking the time even to plan good meals in advance so I'm not buying fast food when I'm too tired to cook. There's another problem-I need to plan ahead!

In general, I see sooo many things in my life I want to change, and I can't do it without God's help. I still have a lot to learn about seeking Him and leaning on Him to rely on HIS strength and HIS power. I feel helpless in that area right now. If you're reading this, please pray. I want to be a woman after God's own heart, and I feel distant from that goal right now.

Ephesians 2:14

This weekend, while camping in the beautiful mountains of Rocky Mountain National Park, God put a lot of verses on my mind and convictions in my heart. My next few blog entries will center around those things, especially as I follow the conviction to give my life over to Him much more fully than I have been.

Ephesians 2:14 (TNIV): For he himself is our peace, who has made the two one [referring to the Jews and Gentiles] and has destroyed the barrier.

The biggest word which stands out to me in this passage is PEACE. HE is our PEACE. That means He is supposed to be MY peace, too.

Something I realize often and yet have much difficulty in changing is the lack of peace in my heart. I think this is primarily caused by me constantly acting on impulse in all sorts of things, by relying on my emotions and acting and thinking based upon them, and not fully trusting God to take care of me. I know those are incorrect and even sinful things, but they are still difficult to change. In Christ I can know all the peace of God because He, the great God of the entire universe, cared enough to die for me.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, present your requests to God. And the PEACE of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:13-14

I will have that peace from God, Christ being my peace, when I choose to give my anxieties and fears to Him, and trust in Him.

"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." Hebrews 11:1

Now THAT is a tough verse for a human to follow. Trusting what is unseen? Ha! We as people RELY on what we can see. Mostly, anyway. But God calls us to something bigger, trusting in what we cannot see--Himself included--this is called FAITH. I need to have greater Faith that when I give my worries and fears to God, He WILL fill me with peace beyond what I can comprehend and He WILL take care of me! When I place my faith and trust in Him completely, He will prove Himself beyond measure.

That all sounds scary, even after I type it, but I know it's true. So that's going to be my greatest focus for tomorrow. Working on simply trusting God and having faith in Him, letting Him fill me with peace about the things I worry about by giving them into His hands.

~Fantasy~

At Radiant Church last Sunday, the pastor spoke about the supernatural and physical realms, and focused briefly on the human fascination with the supernatural and fantasy. This small snippet piqued my interest, mostly due to Jason being so into fantasy and it reminding me of how I "categorize" people who are really into fantasy.

Then I realized, agreeing with the pastor, that really, most people are really into fantasy to some degree or another.

We all imagine something more, something greater (at least, most of us do). We imagine things unseen, things more powerful than what we experience in our everyday lives. We imagine new creatures, magical powers, new worlds, and they capture our imaginations and give our hearts hope and adventure we crave in the everyday life.

God promises us this adventure and satisfies our longings for something greater. Or at least, He should. I know I fall far short of allowing the Truth of His word to capture my heart and imagination the way exciting stories and movies do. I just find it funny how we sit in this world, allowing our minds and hearts to be captivated by new, imaginary worlds when God has promised us a REAL one, a real one that will be entirely revealed in the future. In His Word He gives us snippet views of that world (all over Revelation and other prophecy-containing books of the Bible). We even get brand new bodies. We'll never have longings or fears or sadness again... in God there is hope because of Jesus.

Yet even we Christian believers often get caught up in the fantasy of this world, feeling a longing for something more. God created us with that longing--it is natural--but He wants to be the fulfiller of that. There is nothing wrong with enjoying fantasy and made-up worlds in our imagination, but I think when we do not intentionally let God fill us, give Him the first seat in captivating our imaginations, we not only cut Him down but ourselves as well. We deny ourselves that for which we were created. And much as I hate to admit it, I think it's a fine line to walk.

I'm not going to stop enjoying fantasy. But I think I'm going to try to be more intentional about letting the "fantasy" that is REALITY, what God has promised us in the future, the ULTIMATE adventure, captivate my heart above anything I can find here on this earth.

After all, isn't the story always the same? Good vanquishes evil. We know the ending because it's plastered all over history, all over narratives..... it's buried inherently in our hearts. God placed that there and it leads us to Him. He wins, so we win if we're on His side. In the greatest battle of all, We win. And it's still an adventure in the making, even with the ending having already been decided on the cross.

Stress

Stress.

It has pervaded my life for much of the past year. It drives me crazy, makes me worried and irritable and difficult to get along with at times.

I've had stress about jobs, money, relationships, friendships, living situations, just about everything. More than I can name.

But what I've realized on and off, but more and more strongly, is how much I let it affect me. Much, much more than I should.

My relationship with Jason especially suffers when I am stressed, and when we are both stressed, it is much worse. Suddenly every little thing seems to go wrong. A look on the face, a sigh, a particular tiny decision, tone of voice, or simple mistake or misunderstanding. The tiny things can blow up into big fights that make little sense and operate mostly out of confusion. Then fear trickles back in and grows in strength. Then more worry and doubt set in on top of whatever was originally there and the cycle not only continues but strengthens.

God has really put on my heart to be in control of my thoughts and emotions when I'm stressed and exhausted. And I have been a LOT lately. Jason being stressed has not helped but I forget to take that into account and give him the benefit of the doubt. I need to do that much more often. I need to learn to very clearly state that I need to cool off and quiet my mind before continuing a discussion that is getting heated, because when I am stressed especially, I just get confused and emotional and things get out of hand.

I need to remember to put Jason's needs first and keep them in mind, and remember that he has good intentions. He does not WANT to hurt me and does not mean to. He is dealing with a lot right now and I need to be his helper and love him strongly through it even when I'm stressed myself.

Stress really sucks, but I do not want to let it rule me. There are far greater things at stake that need my heart's attention.

TV and stuff

I like TV a lot. Not so much the turn-on-the-boob-tube-and-sit-through-commercials kind of TV, but the pull DVDs off the shelf, be they movies or TV shows, and enjoy them for as long or short a time as I want. :) Me and Jason had an awesome, unprecedented marathon of "Avatar: The Last Airbender" this weekend, as he wasn't feeling good and I was exhausted and we both needed the rest. We watched literally half of the series (the second half) in 2 days. It was amazing. I loved watching the characters grow and witness the obvious but intriguing battle for good over evil. I've really enjoyed discussing these things with Jason since we finished.

But at the same time as I love movies and TV, I feel God telling me right now to make sure I do not idolize fantasy worlds (in general; not the fantasy genre specifically), not to wish I was in another world, and not to waste my precious time on this earth in front of the TV all the time. Of course, Jason and I love movies and love sharing in imagined worlds with one another through TV, and that doesn't have to stop. But I feel God warning me lately not to get too wrapped up in these worlds, so wrapped up that I forget who I am, where I am, and my responsibilities here.

I can be "impressionable". When I relate to characters (and real people as well), I tend to take on certain character traits and people, both real and imaginary, can heavily influence who I am. I must be careful to ensure that it is Christ alone in whom my identity rests, and to guard what influences may enter my mind. Always easier said than done.

Sometimes this world feels "boring". It's the same thing over and over. Get up, go to work, come home and do what needs to be done, sleep, and do it again. Obviously there are fun times but ... my heart longs for adventure. It was created for adventure. Which is why imaginary worlds are so intriguing, so enticing... worlds where we can fly, bend elements, where creatures exist we never thought of, where "magic" exists, etc. And at the same time these worlds are simpler, even more innocent, as the battle between good and evil is usually much clearer and defined. Here, the lines often seem blurred, the adventure of fighting for what is good lost in the mundane responsibilities of life. Of course, that's what makes our world real and others not. But still, stories excite the imagination, and even uplift the spirit to fight through the mundane in extraordinary ways.

Sometimes I really want to just set up a simpler life somewhere else anyway.

Communication

Communication seems to be a huge underlying cause of relational problems, between all people. Not just dating relationships, but all relationships suffer from this. I see it pervading everywhere I go and it drives me crazy.

When people are hurt or angry, they just hold their feelings inside, feeding bitterness and hostility towards another individual who may not even realize they are doing something hurtful. It strains and often breaks relationships, leaving questions unanswered and hearts confused.

People disagree with something that is going on. Instead of confronting the person or people involved, they gossip about it with other people or go to another source first rather than those directly involved. This leaves people frustrated who did not realize they were making someone uncomfortable. Had they been confronted, they likely would be willing to hear the other side and probably to modify the situation in everyone's best interests (of course, both parties need to be willing to listen).

I see this problem at home between parents and kids, brothers and sisters, husbands and wives. I see it at work between coworkers, and between bosses and employees. I see it at church in close friendships, between strangers, and between church-goers and the leadership of the church. I see it everywhere.

And it drives me INSANE.

Not that I never suffer the same problem.

I, like most other people, fear to confront people or share negative feelings I am experiencing, for fear of rejection from the other person, perhaps ridicule, or even worse, indifference. Sometimes I fear that sharing this will injure the other person (although we could all use some healthy injuring at times). Sometimes I'd just rather let someone else deal with it and not do it myself.

But this is not right, by me or anyone else. So many relationships are screwed up because of this problem. Myself and others need to:
Stand by the promises we make
Hear out carefully what others have to say
Lovingly confront those who are hurting us
Stop refusing to deal with problems out of fear
Communicate our feelings to those we care about and others in our lives
Consider the repercussions not only on ourselves personally, but on the other individual(s) involved as well, and also the relationship we have with that person(s).

If we could all communicate just a little better, everyone's lives would be a lot more pleasant and enjoyable, and peaceful. :)