Wonder

As I was taking my walk today, I was observing lots of things around me. I definitely noted the crisp air as I breathed it in and felt it cool my skin. I noticed the different designs of houses in my neighborhood, and noted which ones looked nice and which were run down. I noted the parents walking their kids home from school, or the ones who walked alone. I noted that most people I passed avoided eye contact. I noted a teenager standing behind a shed in a backyard, texting on his phone. I noted younger kids playing outside in the same backyard. I noted the noise coming from many passing cars and people.

All of this made me think about the world God created for us. Some of the things I noted made me smile. They reminded me what a wonderful world I get to live in right now. Other things made me realize how often I, and others, forget to experience "wonder".

I notice in life how distracted I get with technology in particular. I can't knock on technology--I love it. I love being able to instantly contact people via the internet or texting. I love being able to receive news of important events quickly. I love the entertainment TV and movies provide. I am thankful for the benefits of technologies in the medical field, and for cars that can get me where I need to go much more quickly than past means of transportation.

When I take the time to do something "different", like go for a walk, I realize that things like that shouldn't be "different". They should be the norm. There are things I see and observe and experience in this world that simply make me smile, give me joy, point my heart and mind toward my Creator, and bring a breath of relief into my life.

Breathing fresh mountain air. Sitting and watching a sunrise, sunset, or viewing the stars. Watching antelope out on the plains, or deer in the forest. Sitting by a stream and listening to it's bubbling sound-so refreshing. Sitting and reading a book with relaxing music playing in the background. Finding a new recipe to shop for ingredients and cook for Jason. Marveling at simple (yet extravagant!) wonders such as the fact that I can decide to make my legs move (a particular thought from my walk today that just astounded me :) ). Sitting on a beach, watching the waves. Going whale watching (haven't gone, but really want to!). Watching the patterns of falling snowflakes as I sip hot cocoa while wrapped in a blanket.

These and so much more are things I want to enjoy (or learn to enjoy) now, and teach my family to enjoy later. I want to reduce the importance of technology in my life in healthy ways. I don't want to rely on TV, video games, computers, the internet, or my phone to be entertained. Oftentimes I wish life were simpler again-perhaps this is why I enjoy historical movies. I would not want to lose the benefits technology has provided, but for myself personally, I no longer want to rely on technology in ways that are unnecessary, maybe even harmful to me in the long run--physically, emotionally, spiritually.

This all probably came to mind since I did once of our marriage counseling exercises yesterday-a personal stress evaluator or something like that. I had an outline to fill out of how often I did certain things each week, ranging from work to friends to family to chores to hobbies. It was interesting to estimate how I divide my time and overall I noticed I want to spend less time on technology and more time on other healthier pursuits like cooking at home and exercise and reading.

In the long run, I know I struggle with thinking my life will count for something if I am well-educated, if I treat people a certain way, have a certain personality, live at a certain social standard. But when I really think and remember the life the Lord calls me to live, I know that all these things in the long run won't matter. The biggest reason I want to live a life of wonder is so that I can experience God to the fullest while I am here, and have even more to worship and praise Him for. I want my kids to know the Lord and how awesome He is and see me living in that way. It feels like a big challenge but I think it will be worth the effort.

I think 2 goals I am going to focus on for now are limiting my computer time to no more than 2 cumulative hours per day, and exercising 5 days per week. That's a lot for me right now, as I'm also handling 2 jobs and planning a wedding, but I think it's do-able. Who knows, maybe I'll even find myself more energized for all I have to do, and having more time to do it! :)

A Possibly Supernatural Lesson from a Loved One Lost

Today, January 21st, 2011, we buried my father-in-law. (for the purposes of this article he is my father-in-law although that will not be official for a few more months.) It was not easy to see his picture next to a container that I knew held his ashes. Just a little over a week ago, he was with us, talking with us. I could squeeze his hand or give him a hug. I could hear his soft voice and see the life in his eyes. Now that is all a memory. A precious memory.

Since Curt passed away, I've resisted the urge to sometimes ask God, "Could you please let me talk with Curt somehow? I miss his voice and I want his reassurances. I want to know he is okay and I want to ask him so many questions."

Today something very special happened to me. God answered a prayer that I never prayed. (Further proof that He knows our hearts and minds whether we pray or not.)

I did not hear Curt's voice directly. An apparition did not appear before me and communicate with me. But when Curt and Darla's former youth pastor gave the message today at Curt's graveside service, I knew without a doubt that I was hearing the same basic message that I think Curt would want me to know if he was still around to tell me in person.

The pastor, Rick I believe, recounted about the early days of knowing Curt, when he first came to the youth group at Sunkist Baptist Church in Anaheim, California. He discussed how Curt came to realize he had some weaknesses, and how he was determined to change those weaknesses. He told of how Curt beat those weaknesses as well as learned how to rest in the Lord even more than Rick himself knew how at the time.

Over the past weeks I have learned that Curt and I had quite a bit in common, for not knowing each other well yet. But today I learned that our similarities go much deeper than just sharing pineapple as a favorite fruit. Those same weaknesses that Rick mentioned about Curt describe me to a tee. It sounded like Rick was describing me as he spoke. Struggles with fear, confidence, and being controlled by emotions. That's me. And that is how Curt used to be.

This was significant to me in a couple of ways.

The first is that, for me, it explains why he was so loving, caring and gentle with me. I know he had to have seen my flaws and I expected he might think I wasn't good enough to date his son. But he was the family member I felt closest to the fastest, despite the fact that we didn't talk a lot in person. (We probably did more than I remember, and I hate that those memories are so unclear now that he is gone.) But throughout the time I knew him, I felt a special acceptance and understanding from Curt that I couldn't explain. I knew he cared about me, and he treated me as if I was his own daughter. Now, I believe that those things are still true, but I understand that he probably recognized a lot of himself in me. I think that brought us closer, without me ever realizing why.

The second reason these similarities are significant to me, is that as he probably recognized that I struggled with the same weaknesses he had, he has still taught me how to overcome those weaknesses even though he isn't even hear to tell me with his voice. I can't explain it. Maybe it is just a coincidence. But even if it is, it is a very special coincidence for me. And I believe it will have a significant impact in my life from now on.

I will pray the simple prayer that Curt learned to pray. I will learn the lessons he learned and I hope my life will make an impact, as his did. He continues to have an impact on my life even though he is no longer here to share in it directly. God's hand is at work here.

Hear my cry, O God;
listen to my prayer.

From the ends of the earth I call to you,
I call as my heart grows faint;
lead me to the rock that is higher than I.

Psalm 61:1-2

I love and miss you, Curt. Thank you, Lord, for allowing my father-in-law and kindred spirit to teach me even now.

Friends and Trust

This right here, is a beautiful picture of friendship. Yeah, it's from a movie. I happen to love this movie, but that has little to do with what I want to write about. But it does serve as an excellent illustration.



Hiccup and Toothless demonstrate important principles of friendship in this special scene. It makes me almost tear up every time I watch it, because it is so profound. There is so much trust between these two, who were once enemies. As they grow closer, Hiccup wants to touch Toothless. He knows this is a sign of trust, and he repeatedly reaches out to the dragon to demonstrate his trust for the fire-breathing beast. But Toothless has been hurt, and repeatedly pulls away, often shaking his head as he retreats, with a look saying quite clearly, "what are you doing?! He hurt me before... he can't be trusted."

But Hiccup is persistent. He is not pushy, but patient, gentle and understanding. He continues to spend time with Toothless, getting to know him, showing him love and understanding. Toothless's wall slowly comes down, and more and more of his personality comes through, drawing the two closer together, until this moment happens.

At first, Hiccup reaches out for Toothless, as usual, and the dragon pulls back slightly, warning Hiccup. This is when he realizes that he needs to let Toothless be the one to reach out. He turns his head and closes his eyes, saying without words, "I'm here if you want me. I trust you, and I hope you are ready to trust me." Toothless could bite off Hiccup's hand. He could also simply run away again. But I think this demonstration of trust actually surprises the dragon a little. He slowly moves toward Hiccup and places his nose into the boy's hand.

Despite the fact that Toothless pulls away and retreats again after Hiccup's eyes catch his once more, this is a turning point in their friendship. If they were going to have a relationship, there had to be trust. There had to be a crossroads--move forward separately, or together. I'm glad they chose to trust. They had so many reasons not to.

Even more deep, I think our relationship with God can be illustrated here. I believe in a God I cannot see, even though I believe there is evidence for Him around everywhere, every day. In a way, we are like Hiccup in reaching our hand blindly to Him and trusting Him to take care of us, not to harm us, to be our friend (although He is also a God to be feared and revered; a fitting analogy with a fire-breathing dragon with a mouth full of teeth). Sometimes we choose to trust, not knowing what is going to happen. If we didn't..... there wouldn't be friendships. People wouldn't trust each other, help each other. The world would be even more full of suspicion, doubt, and hopelessness than it already is.

Friendships, and any relationship for that matter, are about taking a chance. I've been hurt by many people I've called friends. Sometimes, those relationships break. But I believe God means for them to be healed in most cases. He is a God of relationship and created us for that. He doesn't like broken relationships (that's why He sent Jesus to fix our relationship with Him!). We're sinful people. We're going to hurt each other. If we live in fear of being hurt, we're just going to be alone, and even more hurt. I choose to accept that people I care about are going to hurt me, that I'm going to hurt them. I also choose to do my best to own up to my mistakes, apologize when I hurt someone, and do my best to mend broken relationships. I choose to trust people who have hurt me, and who I know have better intentions than it may seem, and to forgive and move forward. I choose to not let fear rule me, but to let God's love guide me and my heart and change the way I treat other people more and more.

"Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility, consider others as better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interest of others."
-Philippians 2:3-4

Putting others first is a risk. It means I may not get what I want. It means I may get hurt. But it's what God commands, and I know it makes me happy when I do it, even if it is sometimes uncomfortable. I want to live by this command more and more.

"People of God"

Taking a lil break from Ephesians... just because I had a thought as I was driving and a comment was made on the radio using the phrase "people of God", and also because I left my Ephesians notebook at home. :) Oops. (I am in Lamar on a short business trip.)

Sometimes WayFM plays a clip from a mom that called in, expressing her gratitude for some of the guys on the radio who are good role models for her son and his friends to live as "people of
God".

People of God... I know this has been given many definitions over time, anywhere from simply calling the Jewish people the people of God, because they are God's chosen people, to the meaning I find most profound, people who are living their lives for their Savior.

When I think of the phrase "people of God", it sounds like such a very big thing to be, and I feel so very small. I feel very sinful, and that I have a long way to go. This is definitely true, but I know I shouldn't feel as discouraged as I do. Feeling small before God is probably the right way to feel, as long as I'm not afraid to approach Him in humility, giving Him my sins and accepting His forgiveness. I think it's appropriate to feel small.

I have such a long way to go. I have so many sins to overcome, by the power of the Holy Spirit. That road is only going to look longer and longer as I get older, ironically. I think I know to check myself if the road every truly looks shorter... because if I'm becoming more like God, I should be increasingly aware of sin. The fine line there is to not become overwhelmed by sin and let it bring me down.

I want to live a life worthy of what God has done for me. I know that's technically impossible but I want to strive for it anyway. I want to be a person of God. I want to cut all the CRAP out of my life and let God turn it into something BEAUTIFUL...

Ephesians 3:12

Ephesians 3:12--In him and through faith in him we may approach God with freedom and confidence.

I love this verse. It epitomizes everything I desire in my relationship with God that feels difficult to grasp right now.

The key words for me in this verse are FREEDOM and CONFIDENCE. These are two things I rarely feel when approaching God, which is why I believe He stuck this verse onto my heart with metaphorical gorilla glue. I find that I approach God timidly, fearfully (not the right kind of fear, but scared-fear), not with complete trust and confidence.

The problem is, I have EVERY reason to approach Him in freedom and confidence. Jesus died for every little thing (and big thing) I do wrong, and when I ask God's forgiveness He takes it away, 100%. So why fear? It's done and gone. He's not sitting there continuing to shake His head in sad disappointment. He's not pushing me away. He's sitting there welcoming me into His loving arms, waiting to dote on my heart some more with His limitless grace and mercy.

I'm not entirely certain why this concept is so difficult to immerse my heart in and believe wholeheartedly. I know I tend to live in fear too much, and it's tough to break out of fear when it gains a stronghold. But I am determined, by the power of the Spirit of God, to keep this truth in my mind and heart until it takes hold more strongly and becomes my natural reaction to God--to approach Him in freedom and confidence rather than in fear.

Consumerism.... and Change

I really want to grow in the Lord and change for the better. I just struggle with feeling down and depressed when there seem to be so many obstacles and difficulties. I'm not naive enough to believe it will just be easy and effortless, although my sinful human nature would like to believe so.

In one moment, I will feel the power of the Spirit working in me to overcome obstacles and a fierce determination. But I think then I start relying on my own power instead of God's.

For instance. Consumerism. I'm not THAT big of a shopper; I do not have a credit card even, I don't just enjoy spending hours shopping. I do, however, sometimes enjoy shopping. There are certain things I really enjoy spending money on, like DVDs, books, and vacations (though the last of those is a rarity). I tend to be impulsive, which God has convicted me a lot on lately. If I want something and have the money in my account, it's tough for me to say no. Although, I think I've improved on that a great deal.
What drives me most insane are moments like this, right now. I'm sitting here, observing all the heaping clutter I possess, wondering how I end up with so much "stuff" that I do not need or use. And yet I find myself going out and buying more?! It drives me nuts.

The underlying conclusion in all that, is that I need to be a better steward of my financial resources. A much better one. I need to choose what I spend money on wisely, so that I can build a better financial foundation for the future (haha good alliteration) and be better prepared to be a responsible wife and mother. Those are awesome thoughts, but so much more difficult to put into practice. I suck at budgeting (especially since I have an inconsistent job), and I suck at taking the time even to plan good meals in advance so I'm not buying fast food when I'm too tired to cook. There's another problem-I need to plan ahead!

In general, I see sooo many things in my life I want to change, and I can't do it without God's help. I still have a lot to learn about seeking Him and leaning on Him to rely on HIS strength and HIS power. I feel helpless in that area right now. If you're reading this, please pray. I want to be a woman after God's own heart, and I feel distant from that goal right now.

Ephesians 2:14

This weekend, while camping in the beautiful mountains of Rocky Mountain National Park, God put a lot of verses on my mind and convictions in my heart. My next few blog entries will center around those things, especially as I follow the conviction to give my life over to Him much more fully than I have been.

Ephesians 2:14 (TNIV): For he himself is our peace, who has made the two one [referring to the Jews and Gentiles] and has destroyed the barrier.

The biggest word which stands out to me in this passage is PEACE. HE is our PEACE. That means He is supposed to be MY peace, too.

Something I realize often and yet have much difficulty in changing is the lack of peace in my heart. I think this is primarily caused by me constantly acting on impulse in all sorts of things, by relying on my emotions and acting and thinking based upon them, and not fully trusting God to take care of me. I know those are incorrect and even sinful things, but they are still difficult to change. In Christ I can know all the peace of God because He, the great God of the entire universe, cared enough to die for me.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, present your requests to God. And the PEACE of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:13-14

I will have that peace from God, Christ being my peace, when I choose to give my anxieties and fears to Him, and trust in Him.

"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." Hebrews 11:1

Now THAT is a tough verse for a human to follow. Trusting what is unseen? Ha! We as people RELY on what we can see. Mostly, anyway. But God calls us to something bigger, trusting in what we cannot see--Himself included--this is called FAITH. I need to have greater Faith that when I give my worries and fears to God, He WILL fill me with peace beyond what I can comprehend and He WILL take care of me! When I place my faith and trust in Him completely, He will prove Himself beyond measure.

That all sounds scary, even after I type it, but I know it's true. So that's going to be my greatest focus for tomorrow. Working on simply trusting God and having faith in Him, letting Him fill me with peace about the things I worry about by giving them into His hands.