Who Am I?

Lately I've done a lot of soul-searching. Self-searching. Something I should have been doing all along and especially before getting married. And despite the chagrin to some people, it's been a very good thing. I've learned so much.

The biggest thing I've learned is that the first 25 years of my life have been largely ruled by fear. And to be honest, this seems to be a problem that plagues Christians a TON. It can affect anyone, of course, but I think the church culture breeds fear in people that they are not even aware of.

For women, the Bible has excellent teachings on how to be Godly and fill our God-given roles. However, I think the church (perhaps inadvertently in most cases) narrows this role down even further until a mold is created that not everyone fits neatly into. I remember most of the girls' groups in church/youth group giving me the impression that to be Godly I had to be soft-spoken, be pretty girly, and just possess a certain persona that I can't find words to express. But I think anyone can guess what I'm talking about.

Now, there's nothing inherently wrong with this image of a Godly woman. The problem comes in that some of us feel like this is what we HAVE to be even though it's NOT who we are. Of course, for a believer there are certain things that are a given, but God doesn't cram us into a little box and make us all little clones. He created us individually and very uniquely. But because I've been trying SO hard for many years to fit into this box (and therefore also fit into certain social groups, specific (judgmental) churches, etc) I've wasted a LOT of time.

When I could've been out trying new things, I sat at home doing the "same old" because it was SAFE. It was ACCEPTED. It was PROPER. There were things people did, even some Christians, that I scoffed at because how could that POSSIBLY be okay for a CHRISTIAN?! Not because the Bible said so but because once again doing such things meant you wouldn't fit into the neat little Christian box.

I never fit into that stupid box anyway.

One way I DO fit the stupid box is I'd love to be a stay-at-home mom and "housewife", take care of the home to make it the best place possible for my family. It's just a desire of my heart, not what I feel compelled or expected to do. And I'd love to have my own photography business on the side too because that fits in well.

But in many, many ways, I don't fit the box. :) That makes me HAPPY.

I don't have a desire to read Beverly Lewis books. (Christian girly love stories, for the uninformed). I have a tendency to burp aloud (although I try to curb this in appropriate situations). I really, really like cars. There's a list of about 7 or 8 that I wish I could have. I'm a hiking-camping type girl. I enjoy intelligent conversation, not just about men or children (God help me) or cooking or crafts. Nothing wrong with those things but I'd rather talk about cars, goofy stuff, even politics or religion at times, learn new things through conversation... I want my whole life to be a learning experience and glean new things from people I encounter.

Recent discoveries. I like beer. Not all beer, but some beers. I enjoy going out with friends to a bar, playing pool, dancing, drinking a few drinks. Not to get drunk (I discovered this is so not my forte) but to hang out and enjoy. (My new game is to let everyone else be drunk and they won't remember me being crazy anyway :) ). I also love motorcycles (I swore I'd never touch them!). I had one ride and I was hooked. I really wish this was something I could share with my husband because I couldn't think of many more romantic things than having my arms wrapped around my man as he's driving the bike, especially in the mountains or out away from the city somewhere. But perhaps sometime I'll get a license and a bike and do this on my own.

So, I'm a non-girly-girl, beer drinking, mountain climbing, motorcycle-riding, car-loving chick with a no-sass attitude. Totally don't fit the box. But I love God and I can fit all those things into living a Godly life. So there. Who am I? I've still got a lifetime to figure it out and I'm not gonna let no fear stand in my way.

wHOA...

I wrote the title with caps lock on, but I think I will keep it that way because it just fits.

I had a really good time tonight. Probably the best time I've had in a long time. It wasn't perfect, but it was distracting and fun! Here's the big indicator--I didn't check facebook on my phone ONCE. Not ONCE. That's a HUGE deal for me. It means I was having a good time and enjoying the company I was with.

My head is kind loopy right now. I don't drink a lot so it doesn't take much to give me a buzz, even on a full stomach. Me and Arlene ate at Jimmy John's downtown before we met up with friends, and I actually applied to work there. We'll see what happens. I'm over-qualified but that doesn't mean much. I'm not even sure I want to take that road again.

Then we met up with Kory and his wife Mandie at Phantom Canyon Brewing Co. Had a beer, played some pool, it was really fun. :) I enjoy getting to know people outside of work. I've been thrilled to make better friends with co-workers lately and especially when Arlene leaves I'll be very thankful for those friends.

After Phanton Canyon we walked to Southside Joe's (who may have double charged me, waiting to find out, grrrrr). Had a good time there... first Irish car bomb (SUPER yums!) and a blue moon (also yummm). That's when I started the current minor headache I have. It takes a while to set in for me though, I didn't really feel the full effects til I was home. The music got crazy loud so we decided to leave especially since we had a bit of a walk back to both vehicles. We got my car then met up with Kory and Mandie once we finally found freakin' parking and then...

KORY TOOK ME FOR A RIDE ON HIS MOTORCYCLE!!!!

Maybe that sounds silly to be excited about but it was the first time for me. And it was AMAZING!!!!

That experience helped me realize further that I feel like I've been living too "safely". There's obviously good guidelines to live within but... I've allowed myself to say things aren't a "good idea" simply because they intimidate me or seem too unsafe. But feeling the wind in my hair and on my face, feeling the rapid acceleration of the bike, and thinking how AWESOME it would be to experience that with someone I love was absolutely intoxicating. I was surprised Kory's wife said she didn't like wrapping her arms around him when she had to ride passenger on the bike. That would totally be romantic and awesome to me, to experience the adrenaline of the ride while being so close to the person I love. I enjoyed it simply with a friend! WOW what an experience.

I think I've made too many "safe" decisions in my life. Choosing what's expected, proper, or "right" even when I could make other choices that aren't any less right but would be far happier for me in the long run. And not necessarily less God-honoring either. I'm just tired of letting fear run my life. I don't know if I'd ever go so far as sky-diving but I think I'm ready to truly LIVE. No fear or trepidation.

The Pain Goes Deep...

5 days.

I've waited for 5 days. And still nothing. Each day my hope lessens and the hurt deepens. So far I've determinedly not given up. Today I'm at the end of my limits and unsure if I'll be able to continue.

Perhaps it's because I'm so tired. I worked over 57 hours this week. My body is worn down and my mind is exhausted. On top of that my heart is emotionally exhausted over this and other things I'm dealing with. I wish for once that'd matter to this person.

I wonder how often God feels this way with me, with humans in general. Seeing us ignore Him, turn our noses up to His signs of affection and proofs of His love. Mourns when He pours out His heart and we can only think about ourselves and what matters to us rather than to Him. It's an interesting perspective to gain for sure. I know God will grow me in that if I don't utterly fail but right now the hurt just goes so deep that it's difficult to care.

I am torn between wanting to stop caring and forget, and between hoping and fervently praying that things improve and the friendship is healed and grows stronger. That conundrum in my head and in my heart causes me daily turmoil. I'm not God; I'm not strong enough on my own to continue to withstand this. I'm doing my best but at times like now I just want to cave in.

But I don't even know what would happen if I did cave in. Would I get more depressed? Would I feel free? I'm not sure. But my heart is fiercely loyal to those I care about, to my own end probably. I'm not capable of just not caring cold-turkey--suddenly ceasing to care. Even if I were to let go of this friendship, it would pain me for a long time. I keep trying to remind myself why I am holding on but the more time that passes the more difficult it is. The memories burn tears into my eyes.

Still I'm trying. Still I'm pressing on. Through the pain, through the tears. God has me here for a reason. I hope another soul will rejoice in heaven because of this. If this is my cross to bear, I'll bear it. I just need God's strength because I can't do it on my own. I'm far too weak.

Learning to Let Go

I've done my best. I've given all I have within me. I've poured out my heart and my soul.

Nothing.

Normally when you love someone, it affects them. It changes them. It certainly changes me, especially when someone shows me love and kindness when I'm showing them the very worst of myself.

But I guess I've hit a rock wall so thick and hard that it's impenetrable. At least by me. A wall only God can break through. I know He's been using me to demonstrate His love and for that I'm eternally thankful.

But I've reached a point of brokenness and broken-hearted-ness. Right now I can't take anymore. Nothing I do to try and show love sinks in. None of it mattes. Because the instant something isn't perfect again, all of the good that's been done goes away.

I no longer know how to reach out to someone who can only think of themselves. I draw a line when the safety of another person is put behind someone's self-interests. That's plain wrong. And it hurts like hell. I give this situation to God, because only His hands are strong enough to heal.

My heart, too, needs healing. It will take time. I feel so incredibly broken. But one thing I won't change. I won't stop loving someone because they are sinful or because they hurt me. I'll be smart enough to give them space and let myself heal before being subjected to this again, but I won't give up. Because God doesn't give up. He pursues us whole-heartedly and with everything He has. But I'm human, and I need to recharge. I need to feel whole again.

My heart breaks writing these words. I'm going to need God's strength to get through each day right now. But I know that God's love wins wars. Maybe not every battle, but the war will be won. So I'll keep on fighting. But now I need to rest.

When is it Too Much?

I'm taking a break from some "therapy cleaning" to vent my thoughts.

I've discovered a few different therapies for stress and heartache this week.

1. Photographing. Sounds obvious, right? It's actually not, considering that photography itself reminds me of parts of why my heart aches.

2. Swimming. I should do this more. Whenever I'm feel particularly worked up I can swim some power laps, wear myself out, and let out my emotions at the same time. not to mention it's good exercise.

3. Cleaning/Organizing. This one shouldn't feel new to me, but it does every time I re-discover it. I've been cleaning like mad this morning. This keeps my mind occupied and my hands busy so I have less time to get lost in whatever is bothering me.

Honestly, I'd rather deal with what's bothering me than find coping mechanisms. But, when the person you need to work something out with refuses to discuss anything, a whole lot gets pent up inside. I let it out however I can--through tears, through prayer, through venting to a caring ear, or through the above mechanisms. But ultimately the problem is still there because it has not been solved.

I still feel like God is calling me down this path. It hurts a lot, but in the end could result in someone's salvation. It could result in a better, stronger, friendship and two better, stronger people. Times like today, and the past few days, I often feel so run down I want to quit. But what good what that do? I think there's too much at stake. I'll make it through because I have the strength of God in my weak human heart.

But at the same time, despite this knowledge and a heart strengthened by God's love, I feel worn out and run down. I don't know how to move forward from here. If I do something, I end up hurt by the apathy returned my way or by harsh words. If I do nothing, I am hurt by continuing to be ignored and by the memories that haunt my mind and heart and by wondering if anything will ever change.

Still, I'm determined to be resilient, patient, and trusting. Some of those traits are what lead me to where I am right now but I know they are still good. God helped me let down my wall and He allowed me to experience pain as a result. But He is God, and He is good, so He must have something really good coming up. I don't know when but I'll keep waiting. He didn't establish this connection in my life for nothing. It's not an accident.

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who know him..."

Romans 8:28

Conviction and Commitment

Yesterday I had an epiphany of sorts.

I was feeling angry. Again. Angry at being treated in a way I thought unfair and at being judged for the attitudes of my heart. Angry at not being listened to and at being pushed away.

A goal of mine recently has been to swallow my anger and try to deal with the situation in love. For me, clinging to anger is easy because it allows me to feel righteous. It reminds me I did nothing wrong and that it's the OTHER person's fault, so screw them.

I feel blessed that lately God has laid much compassion on my heart. Despite the depth of hurt I have experienced recently, His power in me has remained stronger. By the grace of God I've been able to swallow my anger, hurt and pride in most cases and demonstrate love. His love. Unconditional love. (I'm not giving myself praise here--this is the power of GOD working in me alone. I'm not capable).

"Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests but also to the interests of others." -Philippians 2:3-4

Yesterday, a thought entered my head:

"what kind of person am I, if I'm so focused on things I see someone else do that hurt me, rather than being willing to see where *I* need to grow and change? Who can I change--myself, or others?"

Deep....right?!

It's so easy to focus on what someone else is doing to hurt me. It's much more difficult to see past the raging beast to the beating heart inside, and all the more difficult to love that heart tenderly through the pain in your own heart. That's what God is teaching me lately. It's really profound. I'm understanding His love so much more when I'm giving unconditional love to another person.

At the same time, I've never experienced so much emotional pain. The pain runs deep... when you love someone through their ugliness and they refuse to love you through your own. When they refuse to talk, refuse to truly forgive, refuse to care, refuse to see your love for them. It hurts somethin' fierce.

But the second piece of the lesson for me comes through that pain--God loves us through the pain we constantly inflict in every sin we commit. Jesus paid for it all. He felt every sting. That's unfathomable to me. But I know the hurt I feel and I know how deep and profound it is... so magnify that countless times and that's God's heart.

My goal now is to resolutely love through the pain and to give all I have if it means demonstrating the unconditional love of God to another. People are hurting, people are lost. People don't understand what it's like to be loved by someone who will never leave. People don't understand why someone doesn't get angry when they are hurt--or rather, why they don't react to the anger they feel.

It's only by the grace of God.

Ramblings.

What a day.

What a week.

I could go on with that, but I won't. It'd be supremely annoying.

I've not been so talented at blogging thus far but maybe a renewed commitment to honesty will help. I find the more passionate my heart behind my words, the more authentic they are--and the more interesting to read.

Today has differed from the recent norm, and although this has brought a measure of difficulty it has brought an equal portion of inspiration. Not so much in all of my most recent passions, but in other "stuff". Good "stuff". I think. I hope.

In light of leaving my job at Jimmy John's, I've taken a stand to delve deeper into photography as art. No longer just take-a-thousand-photos-and-hope-one-is-good photography, but COMMITTED photography. PASSIONATE photography. Stepping outside the norm to look for something n

ew and different that sets me on fire.

Ha-ha, some may think, who follow my "daily photo(s)" album on Facebook. "You're sure taken a lot of pictures of YOU!" Why yes, yes I have. Who cares? I can be my own subject. AND it will help me with an

other problem I'm set on overcoming NOW.

Fear.

I have some choice words for fear because it's ruled my life long enough.

It's lead to ruined or damaged relationships. It's lead to poor decisions made. It's lead to missed opportunities. It's lead to the constant breaking of my heart. NO MORE!

Part of the reason I chose to buy a bright orange car after I was rear-ended in March was to build my c

onfidence. Part of the reason I've decided to no longer fear the self-portrait is to build my confidence. See myself as who I really am and who God made me to be and no longer be ashamed. If people don't like who I am, whatever. Their problem. Of course, I'm always striving to be a better person. But some people's opinions just don't change and just don't matter.

These decisions don't solve all the problems I'm facing in my life. Even the ones I'm facing today, right now. But they will probably do me good in the long run. I'm no longer going to live a confined life. I am going to live an adventure-ful life. Camera in tow and whoever wants to join.