v Září...

In September.... I leave again. :-) The 9th, if all goes well.

I am studying abroad in Prague (Praha) for the fall semester. I will return the 19th of December. While the obvious, external purpose of this trip is for academics, I want to use this as an opportunity to learn about the country I hope my future ministry will be in. I am diverting from my music education degree for a semester and taking these classes to learn about Czech:

• Elementary Czech (language-hoping to move up to intermediate!)
• Cultural History of the Czech Lands
• Philosophy in Central Europe
• Comparitive Government of Central and Eastern Europe

I hope to meet many new people through school, both Czechs and people from around the world. :-) I will be assigned a "buddy" who will pick me up from the airport and help me out the first few days and also be at my disposal to help me or just hang out with. I have no idea who that will be and perhaps I will have an opportunity with that person too. Either way I should have plenty of opportunity to meet people and I hope the Lord provides opportunity in that. :-)

I hope to get involved in a local church as well. As of right now I have no idea which one but it will work out. :-) My friend from Vsetín, Iva, is connecting me with her best friend in Prague who is a Christian and loves the outdoors as well. :-) So I am really looking forward to that and perhaps a church body will also come along with this new friend.

I also hope to travel to Vsetín occasionally to begin being involved with the youth group at CB church there. The youth there are where my heart lies with ministry and this is also the church through which the English camps are done. I went to this church during my month in Vsetín this past winter. I have already had an offer of a place to stay, so it is great to see that my return is desired even a little bit. :-) I am really looking forward to spending time with the kids and seeing the ones who have recently come to Christ and reaching out to those who havent. If this is truly where God wants me then I look forward VERY much to beginning that ministry!

Alright, I have a few prayer requests.

• Lufthansa, my airlines, is currently being affected by a widespread strike. It is uncertain how long this strike will last so there is still a possibility that it will affect my flight. Please pray that the strike ends soon or that the Lord provides another way that isnt draining on my bank account.
• I am trying to learn the Czech language as much as I can before I get there. Progress is good but I want to be able to successfully communicate on my own as much as possible. Speaking the language is an excellent way to reach out to the Czech people and gain their trust. :-)
• Pray for me to find a good, strong church with either services in English or a friend who can translate for me. pray that I find ministry to be involved in and don't use my 3 months in the Czech Republic wastefully but as purposefully as possible.

I have a few praises as well!

• for a 500-dollar scholarship toward studying abroad! This is a huge praise and I honestly have no idea, besides His hand working, how I would be chosen for this scholarship. :-)
• for the opportunity I have had to work this summer to save money towards this trip as well as future ministry.
• for the connections I am beginning to get in Prague even 45 days away from departure. :-)

Thank you for your prayers! I will be posting updates much more frequently when I am in Prague. And pictures-fotky. :-D

Preparing for Czech...

Christ is not a lifestyle; He is life itself.

This is the thought that pervades my mind as I seek the Lord's strength... I have been so distracted, so tired lately... that I have not taken the adequate and necessary time to prepare for this trip. My Father is gently prodding me, encouraging me to "function" despite the mild chaos surrounding me right now. He is reminding me that when I chose to follow Him, by his Grace, I did not choose to live a certain lifestyle, but to die to myself, surrender my life, and allow Jesus to become the very air I breathe.

So often I find myself daily in a dangerously narrow mindset, focusing on myself and only the immediate surroundings which are most important to me. I have not chosen nearly enough to place value in most others, to place value in the peoples of the world I have not even met yet, to value the dire need of the nations for a Savior... The Lord cares for every trial and trouble of my heart, for every tear which falls from my eye, but He desires that my heart be His heart... and His heartbeat is for a lost world so desperately in need of Him.

I am merely a vessel. I cannot serve unless He allows, He lives in me and through me. My life is not my own; it was bought at a price. A steep, steep price.

The Calling

"But Daniel resolved not to defile himself with the royal food and wine...To these four young men God gave knowledge and understanding of all kinds of literature and learning..."
Daniel 1:8a, 17a

As I read this passage and pondered over it while eating a delicious sandwich, the following thought passed through my head--the calling to a life in Christ really IS a drastic contrast to life of this world, when lived in truth.

Yes, many of us have had this thought before, but how often has it had the power to truly change us from the inside out? How different are we really? I ask these questions of myself quite frequently these days, and praise the Lord, He keeps revealing to me many ways I still need to grow. And when my heart is turned to Him I experience joy even through these painful convictions. Even as tears flow down my cheeks my heart is full because of the love of Christ.

Just as Daniel resolved not to defile himself with "unclean" food, I want to be resolved not to defile myself with the life of this world... by filling my fleshly, earthly desires rather than letting the Lord fill me, by becoming polluted by simply trying to "fit in", by letting selfishness consume me rather than the love of Christ... I cannot merely be a voice speaking these truths but a vessel expressing them silently through my actions, which will scream loudly to those who take notice.

But this is not for my glory--no, it is for the Lord's! To truly be in step with my Savior... I must be willing to sacrifice recognition, to bite my tongue, to do His will simply because He wants me to and deserves for me to rather than because I expect something in return. Yet even though I should not expect "payment", God will reward those who are faithful!

He rewarded Daniel and His friends with wisdom, knowledge, and particularly in Daniel's case, special abilities (interpreting dreams). The Lord promises us great things if we obey and seek to live a life in Christ Jesus rather than succumbing to the temptation of a worldly life. We see snippets of this life... take tiny bites... and still turn our backs! I have experienced this myself. For one brief instance I will be focused on my Savior and madly in love with Him and He will reveal a truth to me... and even if it hurts I will praise Him! But then... though we have the knowledge through experience of how much greater this life, this calling is... we fall away the next instant, seeming to forget what God has shown us as possible.

I'm amazed at how difficult it can be to live this radical, truth-consumed life. I love it... I am sooo blessed that the Lord has made this possible at ALL... but it's not easy. God promised that it would not be. And then He gives us His shoulder to lean on and carries us through the darkest moments, fulfilling His promise of faithfulness.

Defying Human Nature

Oswald Chambers writes in his devotional My Utmost for His Highest, for May 14 (The Habit of Enjoying Adversity):

"Never live on your memories of past experiences, but let the Word of God always be living and active in you."

I am sure I was somewhat unaware of the human tendency to do this, simply because basing each new day on past experiences is such an ingrained aspect of my life. I base how I treat people on past interactions with them. I base my motivations and decisions for school on past experiences and motivations. I base my attitude each day on the events of the previous day...

How wrong this seems!

If I am truly being made new and transformed by the Word of God... if I am truly submitting to Him daily and desiring Him to work in me... then these things drastically subside in importance.

My interaction with people should be based not on my past with them (especially those with whom the past is shaky and riddled with hurt), but rather our interaction should be based on the love of Christ! I should love others as Christ loves them and me and learn to let go of my hurts, give them into the powerful hands of God (who already paid for them anyway), and not let those hurts poison my relationships with people. I must also allow the love of God to permeate me such that my fear of interacting with new people does not keep me from genuinely loving them or even meeting them to begin with.

My motivation in school and work should be an attitude of "whatever you do, do it as working for God and not men." I sometimes realize "in the moment" when the Lord is changing this attitude within my heart - yet taking the executing step is difficult. I am more prone to laziness than I would prefer to admit. Overcoming this laziness and weakness is by God's grace alone but requires effort. An ironic situation--I must be motivated enough to let God motivate me. :) I long to be motivated to be "productive" in my school work, house work, and especially in my relationship with the Lord. I find it surprising how difficult it can be at times to be motivated to study God's word or converse with Him! How backwards that seems.

Often when I have a bad day... even a seemingly endless span of bad days, such as I experiencd recently... I wake up the next day and quickly feel a heaviness in my heart which is a more than sufficient reminder of the pain I have recently experienced. I find most often that to pull myself from whatever pit I have dug myself into requires some positive event to happen... either a very significant event or just anything positive with whoever I have experienced pain with. How wrong this is! Regardless of whatever the days past have been like, I must learn to let the Lord mold my attitude each morning... it should be an attitude of thankfulness, of grace, of joy at the very breath of life He provides though I am so undeserving.

No matter how overwhelmed I am feeling with school, a relationship, with the seemingly endless convictions the Lord is putting on my heart calling for a heart change... It should be His Word alone which shapes me and my experiences. Only the purest truth, the one that supercedes by far whatever "truth" I am experiencing in this world. I am amazed that God provides, in His great mercy, the strength by His spirit to experience His joy despite what may be happening in my life--not that He makes it easy, but He makes it possible when without Him it would be utterly impossible.

Marks of genuine Love

I wonder... can any of us love genuinely and be aware of it? If we feel or think that we are loving genuinely, has pride set in and our love been proved ungenuine as a result? Or is it possible that God can open our eyes to our personal growth without it making us prideful?

I was thinking these thoughts earlier today as I pondered whether I truly, genuinely love people. I think I tend to love people I develop relationships with... much like I have a heart for that which is in my immediate surroundings and have a more difficult time finding genuine compassion, concern, and love for that which is far away in the world. How I pray for a global perspective and heart! But... the same thing with people. My heart feels so full when I ponder my relationships with believers and nonbelievers. But when I meet new people... I get scared. I want to hide inside of myself, afraid for some reason to get to know them. I honestly don't know why.

There are a couple of friends the Lord blessed me with this year that I would never have "chosen" on my own... they are amazing people with beautiful hearts that, for some exterior reason--be it appearance or behavior--would not have been ones I would choose to include in my life. Sad but true. Thankfully the Lord had other plans. He's opening my eyes more and more... helping me love people for who they are even before I know them well, removing my fear of developing new relationships... and he's convicting me when I look at someone and fear getting to know them.

And with those I have known much longer... with all that the Lord has been changing inside of me this year I am becoming acutely aware that any love I may have felt for some dear friends over the years has been anything but genuine. It's been outright selfish. It's difficult to admit and recall and deal with the memories of how I have wasted time.... years even... upset over petty things, ruining relationships by demanding my own way and even being unintentionally manipulative. I'm amazed at those who have stood by me as long as they have, even if those relationships are now strained to a point where I fear they may never truly heal. Yet... I sense God is changing my heart much with this awareness, and that's where I question whether I am being prideful. I thought about a particular friend this afternoon, and realized that it is truly my desire to show said friend that I love them by honoring their wishes, even when those wishes specifically disclude me. While it brought tears to my eyes... suddenly honoring those wishes and that person were more important than my own desires. Which is why I wondered, "am I beginning to understand genuine love? And does it mean I am being prideful in supposedly being able to see it?" It's just been my thought that true humility will go completely unrecognized by the humble person... someone will say something and they will think "...really? I was being humble? hmm." And then let it go without another thought, having never thought about it before.

How I long to love others genuinely, in humility and gentleness...

Metaphoric teaching

Okay, maybe this is extremely lame, but God used the weather today to remind me of his truth.

I was in Black Forest for the day and a rainstorm was passing through when I was leaving. It was big but not so big that is covered the whole sky... as I was driving west the sunlight was still very bright, and the light was made much more intense by the dark cloud covering part of the sun and a good portion of the rest of the sky. This intense light amplified every beautiful color... the snow on Pikes Peak was so brilliantly white because there was some blue sky to the south, dark clouds above it, and bright sunlight from the northwest. It was crazy. As I looked at the foothills and mountains there seemed to be sooo many more hills than I remembered because the light and shadows combined to outline each one... I have no idea how it works. Every color and shape, though, was much more intense due to this combination of light and dark.

The lesson in that for me was... well, I've been going through my own metaphorical storm lately. And, God brought out some sunlight through that recently. The storm isn't over and it isn't huge, much like the one I saw today. But the goodness of the light combined with the difficulty of the remaining darkness amplified many things for me, helping me to see things a lot more clearly than I have before. Things about myself, relationships with people and with God, and how God works when sometimes it seems He is gone.

Then as I was driving north, I saw an extremely brilliant rainbow, made much brighter by the very dark clouds in the background. The rainbow in the storm reminded me that God keeps his promise, even during the darkness of the storm, and that His promise and truth will prevail and He will not leave me or fail me no matter how the storm rages. I also noticed that, for the first time, I could see from the ground that the rainbow did not seem to be coming from BEHIND the landscape - I could see faintly the colors against the ground beneath the horizon, which was strange. It reminded me that I once saw a rainbow from the air. A rainbow is actually not an arc but a complete circle, like a halo. It was so amazing. And THAT reminded me that God's goodness, faithfulness, and promises are eternal - they have no beginning or end, like the rainbow. And, like the rainbow, we have a difficult time comprehending that because most of the time we cannot see the complete picture. Like seeing a rainbow from an airplane, it takes a new and rare perspective to see things as they really are.

Lastlly, as a I passed Castle Rock, I could see in my rearview mirror the bright rainbow behind me now, huge against the very dark sky. I was past the storm and the sun was out at this point, and it reminded me that even as the storms of life (how lame sounding! ahhh!) pass by and we are brought through them with the assurance of God's promise, His promises remain... they do not fade with the storm. But, the glory of God's promises can be much more difficult to remember when the storm is past and especially when the sun is shining brilliantly. It's easy to enjoy the perfect weather and forget that we need God even when things are going well.

Oh, how I need my savior now more than ever... He must be my strength as the sun shines brighter and brighter! Only with my Lord can the sun shine anyway. I pray He will bless me with sunshine and storms... and rainbows...

What my Lord has been teaching me...

In no particular order...

1) I am selfish. I unintentionally put others before myself. Even when inside I want to do what is best for the other person I find myself becoming defensive, wanting to gain the foothold for what I want. I love one on one time with people and allow myself to sometimes be jealous when I cannot have that desired time, rather than appreciating the time I do have, both in groups and one on one, and being happy to see my dear friends enjoying the company of other dear friends.

2) I am presumptuous - judgmental? I don't think judgmental is the right word here. I just tend to assume I know what people are thinking, particularly if I think there is something wrong between myself and another person. And I typically assume the worst. And if the opportunity arises in conversation to become defensive, this is usually what I fall back on-accusing those I love of not caring for me genuinely in return, or at least not showing it. Perhaps I am simply blind.

3) I speak too quickly without thinking first. I tend to say things I don't mean, or say things that don't accurately show what I mean, without processing my thoughts and emotions first. I hurt people in this way. I don't turn to my Jesus with my thoughts and feelings before expressing them to the world. I don't allow Him to make me renewed.

4) I am too emotional. I let my feelings get the best of me. I react to my initial emotions which of course are usually the most strong ones. Rather than giving up my emotions to God, I let them consume and control and overpower me.

5) I, as a result of the above, have a foolish temper. I let the stupid, insignificant things bother me. I don't take the time to differentiate between what is important and what is trivial. I let my foolish pride and anger separate me from my brothers and sisters in Christ at times.

6) I am prideful. I tend to simply assume that I am right when something happens between me and another person rather than praying to the Lord and letting Him show me where I have erred. Rather than letting go of my pride for the sake of reconciliation and love I fight for my "right" rather than admitting I am wrong, at least before it's too late.

7) I allow my heart to worship idols. Of sorts. I allow possessions, relationships, school to become idols to me. I let myself at times become caught up in consumerism, thinking that one item from the store could just make me a little happier, a little more accepted. How foolish I am! I allow myself to believe that a friendship, or a relationship with a guy, is going to fill my heart and help to make me whole, to change me. How foolish I am! I allow myself to believe that if my grades are amazing and I graduate with honors that my heart will be satisfied and I'll look amazing. How foolish I am! None of those things bring the fullness of joy. Only Jesus. Only Jesus.

8) I rely too much on myself. I think I have the "willpower" to change myself and my life. I think I can "make the decision" to just wake up daily and be filled with joy and peace. In reality only God can provide all those things. I must wake up daily and place my trust in Him, humbly ask Him for the gifts of joy, peace, and change. I must let Him renew me from the inside out, rather than relying on my own pathetically weak intentions.

9) My attitude daily does not reflect the life and hope I have in Christ my savior. Especially lately. I've been dealing with so much that I let it overwhelm me and act in foolish, sinful ways. I allow myself to vent to unbelievers in ways that do not honor the Lord because I know they will accept how I feel and what I say. I should be laying my hurt and anger when it arises, my sadness,at the feet of Jesus. They should be offerings to my Lord rather than steam blown off in a sinful attitude. I let one situation run my life rather than coming before the Lord and actually trusting Him to take care of it, to heal my broken spirit, and to restore.

10) I have little patience. I desire instant gratification too much. I want the broken things in my life restored as soon as possible. But rather than trusting that the Lord has it in His might hand, that things WILL be healed and that time must be allowed, I allow my heart to become sunken and sullen for want of immediate renewal. My Lord has brought me to my knees and I simply want to be let up rather than falling prostrate before Him, accepting His admonishment, basking in the opportunity to learn from my many mistakes, and then taking His hand as He gently pulls me up again... clean, fresh, renewed.

...and so much more. My God in heaven loves me too much to leave me the way I am. How I pray He is working in me to change me... in ways I cannot yet see. but God is faithful. He delivers on His promises. "Though the sorrow may last for the night, His joy comes in the morning." Nighttime doesn't last forever. The sun is somewhere below the horizon, ready to break into dawn at any moment. I wait in great anticipation....