Learning to Let Go

I've done my best. I've given all I have within me. I've poured out my heart and my soul.

Nothing.

Normally when you love someone, it affects them. It changes them. It certainly changes me, especially when someone shows me love and kindness when I'm showing them the very worst of myself.

But I guess I've hit a rock wall so thick and hard that it's impenetrable. At least by me. A wall only God can break through. I know He's been using me to demonstrate His love and for that I'm eternally thankful.

But I've reached a point of brokenness and broken-hearted-ness. Right now I can't take anymore. Nothing I do to try and show love sinks in. None of it mattes. Because the instant something isn't perfect again, all of the good that's been done goes away.

I no longer know how to reach out to someone who can only think of themselves. I draw a line when the safety of another person is put behind someone's self-interests. That's plain wrong. And it hurts like hell. I give this situation to God, because only His hands are strong enough to heal.

My heart, too, needs healing. It will take time. I feel so incredibly broken. But one thing I won't change. I won't stop loving someone because they are sinful or because they hurt me. I'll be smart enough to give them space and let myself heal before being subjected to this again, but I won't give up. Because God doesn't give up. He pursues us whole-heartedly and with everything He has. But I'm human, and I need to recharge. I need to feel whole again.

My heart breaks writing these words. I'm going to need God's strength to get through each day right now. But I know that God's love wins wars. Maybe not every battle, but the war will be won. So I'll keep on fighting. But now I need to rest.

When is it Too Much?

I'm taking a break from some "therapy cleaning" to vent my thoughts.

I've discovered a few different therapies for stress and heartache this week.

1. Photographing. Sounds obvious, right? It's actually not, considering that photography itself reminds me of parts of why my heart aches.

2. Swimming. I should do this more. Whenever I'm feel particularly worked up I can swim some power laps, wear myself out, and let out my emotions at the same time. not to mention it's good exercise.

3. Cleaning/Organizing. This one shouldn't feel new to me, but it does every time I re-discover it. I've been cleaning like mad this morning. This keeps my mind occupied and my hands busy so I have less time to get lost in whatever is bothering me.

Honestly, I'd rather deal with what's bothering me than find coping mechanisms. But, when the person you need to work something out with refuses to discuss anything, a whole lot gets pent up inside. I let it out however I can--through tears, through prayer, through venting to a caring ear, or through the above mechanisms. But ultimately the problem is still there because it has not been solved.

I still feel like God is calling me down this path. It hurts a lot, but in the end could result in someone's salvation. It could result in a better, stronger, friendship and two better, stronger people. Times like today, and the past few days, I often feel so run down I want to quit. But what good what that do? I think there's too much at stake. I'll make it through because I have the strength of God in my weak human heart.

But at the same time, despite this knowledge and a heart strengthened by God's love, I feel worn out and run down. I don't know how to move forward from here. If I do something, I end up hurt by the apathy returned my way or by harsh words. If I do nothing, I am hurt by continuing to be ignored and by the memories that haunt my mind and heart and by wondering if anything will ever change.

Still, I'm determined to be resilient, patient, and trusting. Some of those traits are what lead me to where I am right now but I know they are still good. God helped me let down my wall and He allowed me to experience pain as a result. But He is God, and He is good, so He must have something really good coming up. I don't know when but I'll keep waiting. He didn't establish this connection in my life for nothing. It's not an accident.

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who know him..."

Romans 8:28

Conviction and Commitment

Yesterday I had an epiphany of sorts.

I was feeling angry. Again. Angry at being treated in a way I thought unfair and at being judged for the attitudes of my heart. Angry at not being listened to and at being pushed away.

A goal of mine recently has been to swallow my anger and try to deal with the situation in love. For me, clinging to anger is easy because it allows me to feel righteous. It reminds me I did nothing wrong and that it's the OTHER person's fault, so screw them.

I feel blessed that lately God has laid much compassion on my heart. Despite the depth of hurt I have experienced recently, His power in me has remained stronger. By the grace of God I've been able to swallow my anger, hurt and pride in most cases and demonstrate love. His love. Unconditional love. (I'm not giving myself praise here--this is the power of GOD working in me alone. I'm not capable).

"Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests but also to the interests of others." -Philippians 2:3-4

Yesterday, a thought entered my head:

"what kind of person am I, if I'm so focused on things I see someone else do that hurt me, rather than being willing to see where *I* need to grow and change? Who can I change--myself, or others?"

Deep....right?!

It's so easy to focus on what someone else is doing to hurt me. It's much more difficult to see past the raging beast to the beating heart inside, and all the more difficult to love that heart tenderly through the pain in your own heart. That's what God is teaching me lately. It's really profound. I'm understanding His love so much more when I'm giving unconditional love to another person.

At the same time, I've never experienced so much emotional pain. The pain runs deep... when you love someone through their ugliness and they refuse to love you through your own. When they refuse to talk, refuse to truly forgive, refuse to care, refuse to see your love for them. It hurts somethin' fierce.

But the second piece of the lesson for me comes through that pain--God loves us through the pain we constantly inflict in every sin we commit. Jesus paid for it all. He felt every sting. That's unfathomable to me. But I know the hurt I feel and I know how deep and profound it is... so magnify that countless times and that's God's heart.

My goal now is to resolutely love through the pain and to give all I have if it means demonstrating the unconditional love of God to another. People are hurting, people are lost. People don't understand what it's like to be loved by someone who will never leave. People don't understand why someone doesn't get angry when they are hurt--or rather, why they don't react to the anger they feel.

It's only by the grace of God.

Ramblings.

What a day.

What a week.

I could go on with that, but I won't. It'd be supremely annoying.

I've not been so talented at blogging thus far but maybe a renewed commitment to honesty will help. I find the more passionate my heart behind my words, the more authentic they are--and the more interesting to read.

Today has differed from the recent norm, and although this has brought a measure of difficulty it has brought an equal portion of inspiration. Not so much in all of my most recent passions, but in other "stuff". Good "stuff". I think. I hope.

In light of leaving my job at Jimmy John's, I've taken a stand to delve deeper into photography as art. No longer just take-a-thousand-photos-and-hope-one-is-good photography, but COMMITTED photography. PASSIONATE photography. Stepping outside the norm to look for something n

ew and different that sets me on fire.

Ha-ha, some may think, who follow my "daily photo(s)" album on Facebook. "You're sure taken a lot of pictures of YOU!" Why yes, yes I have. Who cares? I can be my own subject. AND it will help me with an

other problem I'm set on overcoming NOW.

Fear.

I have some choice words for fear because it's ruled my life long enough.

It's lead to ruined or damaged relationships. It's lead to poor decisions made. It's lead to missed opportunities. It's lead to the constant breaking of my heart. NO MORE!

Part of the reason I chose to buy a bright orange car after I was rear-ended in March was to build my c

onfidence. Part of the reason I've decided to no longer fear the self-portrait is to build my confidence. See myself as who I really am and who God made me to be and no longer be ashamed. If people don't like who I am, whatever. Their problem. Of course, I'm always striving to be a better person. But some people's opinions just don't change and just don't matter.

These decisions don't solve all the problems I'm facing in my life. Even the ones I'm facing today, right now. But they will probably do me good in the long run. I'm no longer going to live a confined life. I am going to live an adventure-ful life. Camera in tow and whoever wants to join.

With Great Power...

"But you will receive power when the holy spirit comes upon you..."

Acts 1:8

Recently Jason convinced me to watch the Spiderman movies. Much to my initial chagrin, but I enjoyed them despite the rampant cheesy-ness. :) A common theme prevails in the Spiderman story: "With great power comes great responsibility." Peter Parker constantly feels the need to sacrifice his own desires for the needs of people around him, because of the great power that has been bestowed upon him.

Recently I have realized that I, as a Christ follower, have a similar responsibility. If I truly belong to the Lord, then I have his holy spirit living inside of me.

"Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the holy spirit, who is in you, who you have received from God?"

1 Corinthians 6:19

The holy spirit is God living in me. That's POWER. And how do I live my life, with such great power residing in me? Well, I guess the better question is how SHOULD I be living my life with such great power residing in me. :) It hit me this morning how I have a huge responsibility. My every word and action is a testament to He who is in me, He who made me, He who saved me. I have a responsibility to honor Him in my words and actions--and even in my thoughts.

""Who can hide in secret places so that I cannot see them? Declares the Lord. "Do I not fill heaven and earth?" Declares the Lord."

Jeremiah 23:24

I can see this as a burden, or as a blessing. When I'm in sin, it sure feels like a burden. But then there is forgiveness. God calls us to perfection even though He knows we cannot attain it until He returns to establish His kingdom for eternity. And because of that He let Jesus die and pay the penalty for the times I mess up. Thank God! Because I mess up a lot.

What I've noticed recently though, is that when God is using me (He began using me again when my heart was truly willing), I find joy in being a light for Him. I find joy in being refined even by great fires and becoming a better, stronger, healthier Christ follower as a result. And that bleeds into every aspect of my life. It feels me with joy despite grievous circumstances or difficult trials. God's given me His Word so that I know what's right and wrong in His eyes and He even bailed me out of the punishments of screwing up, before I was even born to make a mistake. ("for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God..." Romans 3:23) That's love. That's grace.

And THAT is what I need to demonstrate in my life toward others.

"One of them, an expert in the law, tested him with this question: "Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?"

Jesus replied, "'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. ' This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'"

Matthew 22:35-39

If I'm following those two commandments, then I'm living my life as God intends and it will glorify Him. These commandments summarize so much of the scriptures and "rules" God wants us to live by (for our own good). With great power comes great responsibility. And with that power living in me I feel up to the challenge.

Moving Backwards

Often times people think of moving backwards as a bad thing. Recently, I've been trying to move "backwards" in positive ways! I want to lessen distractions in my life and "simplify". I think these are the Footsteps that God wants me to follow right now, because ultimately it leads to a better focus on Him.

What are some steps on that journey?

They involve all different aspects of my life: emotional, mental, physical, and spiritual.

One thing I have been learning lately is how to cook on my own. I've learned to bake my own bread, make my own cheese sauce (and thus homemade mac n cheese!), and a lot of other cooking that I never thought I could do! Jason and I eat out SO much less, which is so much better for our health! The fact that we are losing weight is quite motivational in the process as well. :) This improves my life:

1. physically, because I am putting better things into my body and also losing weight

2. mentally because there is tremendous reward in enjoying the fruits of my labor!

3. emotionally: I enjoy learning new things and succeeding at them (even if it's not right away!)

4. spiritually: because by providing healthy meals and food for my husband I am obeying God's commands for wives by providing food for my family.

Another thing I have been trying to do is cut back my dependence on technology. I find that in my "idle" moments I'm often tempted to fill my time by browsing on Facebook, surfing the internet for interesting articles (which CAN be a good thing), turn on the TV for a show or a movie... on occasion I'm tempted to do something good like read, but at the same time I look around my small home and notice how easily it gets cluttered. How many things need doing. And sometimes that makes me want to watch a movie MORE, because it is overwhelming. More and more though I remember the Lord's words in Proverbs 31:27, "She watches over the affairs of her household, and does not eat the bread of idleness." Those are convicting words. It's TOUGH, as a wife, to fulfill my duty to my husband and home by keeping it clean and good food on the table AND work 2 jobs. Jason helps where he can but he works much more than I do. And so I need to let myself be stretchable and trust that the Lord will make me sufficient by His grace. And in the end, there are few better things than sitting down to relax with a snack and a good book after a few hours cleaning up the apartment!
This improves my life:

1. physically: I get exercise while I am up and about getting things done! Much more than being a couch potato!

2. mentally: It's stimulating to be up doing things rather than a couch potato. My mind feels more fresh and I don't get as many headaches!

3. emotionally: again being up moving around keeps my mind busy and keeps my mind from wandering to subjects which only bring me down.

4. spiritually: again I'm directly obeying one of God's commands by keeping my home a safehaven for my family!

Future goals for providing for my family, saving money, and leading a happier, healthier, more God-focused lifestyle include:

growing my own garden

keeping a steady monthly budget

getting rid of debts

learning new skills such as changing the oil in a car

Spending more REGULAR time getting to know the Lord.

...and anything else I can think of. :)

Photo Challenge-Day 4

Day 4 - A picture of your favourite night

This wasn't technically a night but it was getting near sunset so... .:) it was just a fun date :)