Changes

Once again, it's been a while, but I did not want to update until things had happened, prayer had been answered, and life gained some direction.

It has, and a lot of it is good but that does not make it easy!

First--I got a job! :) God really tested me in this one... this was a posting that I happened to stumble upon. I was feeling desperate at all the rejections and just looking at district's sites and came across this late, unexpected posting for D20. I interviewed with them about a month ago, after having to re-arrange my day's plans to accommodate the interview I did not expect to receive. Then I waited... and waited... and waited! Normally you hear about these things within a week... It took 3 1/2 weeks for them to make a decision, but in the end they chose me! Naturally, I figured that as soon as i did not expect to get a job, that'd be the one I got. :P :) Well, I am blessed. I am the part-time music teacher at Chinook Trail Elementary. That is still hard to comprehend! I'm going back to school this fall, but this time as a teacher rather than a student. That is tripping my mind. I'm really nervous about suddenly planning lessons for 6 grades and figuring out how all this works, but it seems like the people there will be kind in helping me out and at the same time I am looking forward to getting to know the kids and having fun with them!

Second... I signed a lease on an apartment the next day. This was not quite what I had planned on or expected, yet it was interesting to see how it unfolded. I have a sweet roommate who is very different than me, so I anticipate some challenges and tests of patience, but this will only serve to grow me so it will be fine, plus she is a fun friend I have not gotten to spend much time with in recent years. Who knows what God has in store! This excites me, moving into my own place and taking care of my own life, but at the same time I am sad and am going to miss living in Black Forest terribly. This apartment complex has lots of big, tall trees, which is comforting, but it is still not quite the same. I am not too far away but the change will take some adjusting to in my heart. I hope to move back someday, but for now I hope I can enjoy this place (even has a fireplace and my own bathroom!) and a new experience, grow from it, and keep moving on the path God has for me.

There are other things in life I am still seeking and praying about and they are sometimes joyful, sometimes difficult and painful. but i am comforted by God working in me to seek Him first, to not settle for less than what He has for me, and to be patient in waiting for answers and provision. It's a strange place to be at, to be longing for His answers and yet to feel patience and fierce determination to wait on Him and not settle because I can't wait for what He has for me. :) It's hard but I feel His strength, which is kind of a strange combination I am not used to. I just need to be pursuing God more actively in my life and trust in Him... easier said than done but I am doing my best.

Also, I've been blessed to be able to take a weekend trip to the Bay area of California here in a couple of weeks! :) I've been blessed with a place to stay with a friend and it looks like I will have a lot of fun things going on to refresh and refocus and spend time with friends. Praise God for the opportunity.

Well, that's life right now... till next time... :) Thanks for your prayers!

Please pray! :)

Hello,

It's obviously been a while since I updated here! That's because not much has been going on. Well, that's not entirely true, but nothing that I would report on a blog anyway. Life is busy every day with school and life... I've been pertty tired lately and the past couple of weeks in particular!

This week I have 2 band concerts tonight (Thursday night), I've had youth group as usual, a long dress rehearsal and two performances for the Antelope Trails musical ("Mulan", come see it at DCC Friday and Saturday, it's free and awesome!). So with three nights of performances this week I am pretty wiped and that doesn't even speak for the other stuff that I have going on!

But the good news is... I'm done with college!!! :) In just over a week that will be "official", as I graduate from CSU on May 16. So I will spend a few days in Fort Collins, enjoying a break from school (yes, I am done with my school work and official time but I am still spending the remaining weeks of the semester at ATE and MRMS) and getting ready to graduate. It feels super weird to be done, but nice at the same time. Now I just look forward to some much needed sleep... :)

Then there is more good news! I have been watching my phone like a crazy person to receive a certain phone call... and that phone call came on Wednesday afternoon! I don't have a job yet. :) BUT I have an interview for a great elementary school right in my neighborhood! I am super excited for that interview, albeit nervous so PLEASE pray for me. :) :) :) I really hope to get this job. But it's already a HUGE answered prayer just to get the interview! Please pray that I will prepare well for the interview this weekend, that I will swallow my nerves, speak articulately, and most of all be myself! I had no problems with this at the interview for D20 in Fort Collins but this will be more intimidating and certainly not one-on-one! Still, praise God for this opportunity!

So yeah, my life has been changing and redircting like crazy the past few months, but it's been good and for the most part God has been pretty clear in what he's doing. There are some things I am still very unsure about, and have no idea what He is doing, so I am praying for guidance and wisdom in those things.

In addition, please pray next week for a small group from Black Forest Chapel headed to Greensburg Kansas to help rebuild a town devasted by tornados in 2007. This is a trip I had hoped to go on but since it happened during graduation week I couldn't go! There is the possibility of this trip happening again in July, so I'm pretty excited for that!

Anyway, thanks for reading a quick update. :) When I know about the job situation I will post again... hopefully that will be soon!

More Change in the Wind...

To make a long story short, Colorado Springs will likely be my home for longer than I had originally planned. And I am mostly ok with that.

I got an email from my boss in Czech today telling me that due to the weakening economy there, they are no longer able to guarantee me a job so they are not sending me a work permit. God certainly does provide answers in unexpected ways. (The Czech economy was the "rock" in Europe for a while). I just kind of stared at the email for a while, unsure how to feel about it. Mostly it is a complete reversal in direction, so I have to figure out completely different things now.

I need to look for a job, probably substitute teaching--which means I need to seek our resources/friends who have done this and figure out how to do it faster. Unfortunately I have missed most of the job fairs for school districts because I thought I had a job. I prefer subbing for the first year but in this economy, I need to apply for anything I can.

I need to find my own place to live. Prices around here are actually really good, but that is with a roommate. I have a friend or three who are potential roommates starting in the fall but my resources for a roommate are limited and I confess I prefer to have a roommate I know. (If you have any ideas in this area let me know!!)

I need to keep trusting God. I am surprised with how at peace I am in this change in direction even though life in general is stressing me out right now. God has provided wonderfully in many ways and I know He will continue to. Some questions are simply not yet answered. My role in Czech is one--just because this particular opportunity didn't work out doesn't mean that I won't ever go back, although I question whether I will go long-term (more than a year). Questions of relationships with different people are still unanswered in most cases.

There is a lot to figure out in the next few months, but I know He will be there... and I know that many of you reading this will be too! I appreciate that more than you know. Your prayers and support mean so much to me. I don't know what His plan has in store for me this year, but I know to expect nothing less than something amazing from the God who takes care of everything I need and more.

Are You Ready for This?

...because I wasn't. Life has changed dramatically since returning to the US... and that was nearly two months ago! I have posted a couple of blog updates since then and I apologize for not emailing about them. I am still surprised at how busy and chaotic everything has been since I got back.

There is much to tell in this entry so please bear with me. God has revealed much to me recently about my past... about the past two to two and a half years. And this could have a dramatic impact on what happens to me in the future.

Starting about three months ago, God began using certain circumstances to show me, gradually, that a lot of things I have believed are really lies. Very sad. They have been very cleverly disguised lies. I will start at what I think is the beginning, in June 2006.

It was June 2006 that found me on my second missions trip to Tijuana, Mexico with Caravan Ministries, through Black Forest Chapel. It was an amazing trip and I am blessed to have been a part of it. We heard some really strong missionary messages on that trip. Up until this time, I had been pretty strongly convinced that my place was in the United States... I knew then and know now that people here need saving just as much as people anywhere. He can't send us ALL to foreign nations, or there will be no one left to serve here! But... those missionary messages went into my head as saying "if you really want to honor God, this is what you should do." I have to say that someone told me that their dad, who was on the mission trip, heard this message as well, even though I doubt the speakers intended it. But I believed it. I heard this message, and I come from a very missions-focused church, which is awesome, and have many friends who are passionate for different nations... also incredible. But I think a mistake many churches make is to elevate overseas missionaries, show them as people who are TRULY giving something up and making a sacrifice and being passionate and holy. So, I saw that life, and I wanted it. But, I think I wanted it because I wanted people to think I was more holy and I wanted God to think better of me. Of course, pursuing a holier life is no evil thing but there is nothing Biblical which elevates overseas missions above missions at home.

There is a second part to this lie, and it ties directly to this. Partly due to experiences from my past, I had in my head that God doesn't want me to be comfortable in this world. He wants to put me in a place where life will be difficult and I will only take joy directly from HIM. I know now that this is absurd, that God made the world so that we can enjoy it... He won't send me somewhere teeming with bugs to make me miserable... not that He will just let me have a completely comfortable life but He wants me to be happy on the earth as well. This glorifies Him! But at the time, I didn't believe this. I thought He was going to send me into missions to make me uncomfortable, because being a missionary overseas felt uncomfortable and scary, and make me just depend on Him and be happy with Him. I began to believe that the dreams that had been building in my head and heart for my life in the US were selfish, sinful... my dream house with its little library (because I love to sit and read) was sinful. Even though my desire was to have an open home to people, and make that purposeful, and reach out in all areas, I decided my dream was too selfish. I had to give up more. So these things sank deeper and deeper into my head in the following months.

I was in a strong, steady and long-term relationship at the time, and I began to think that perhaps that relationship wasn't going to last because he didn't feel called to overseas missions, and I supposedly did. We had our dreams of ministry and outreach here in the US, and like I said, I began to think those were bad. not good enough. That I needed to be with someone who was going to give up the "easy American life" and go overseas. It certainly wasn't about this person. Despite my many failures and hurts he was incredibly good and gentle to me, and it is ironic that in the past 5 or 6 months of our relationship I realized that more than ever, and cared for him more deeply than ever before. But the lies were stronger... I wasn't really seeking God in this at all. I just decided that we should take a break because I wanted to find someone who was going overseas. I didn't really pray about it... I just made the decision because I was scared about the future. I think there are deeper aspects to this as well that I won't discuss on this blog but ... this relationship didn't end because it wasn't growing and we didn't care for each other. But I was selfish and even though in the back of my head things didn't feel right, I pushed that feeling away and kept pursuing this path.

For a while I thought I was going deeper with God, that I had done the right things. I was going to a weekly missions meeting and morning prayer before classes almost every day. Looking back though, I see that especially with missions my heart was not in the right place. I was mostly looking to fit in with the missions crowd and be more holy. It never occurred to me that I could be passionate about my own country and still fit in with these people... they are wonderful people and would have been supportive of that. I found myself often distracted at prayer, and worrying what people might think if I didn't pray aloud for something that wasn't about me, and I prayed a lot of selfish prayers as well. I was trying to learn to be outward focused and I succeeded somewhat but it wasn't a lasting success, it wasn't a heart-lesson. All this time things were happening that now, looking back, I think were God trying to pull me back and wake me up, but I didn't see.

Slowly but surely my relationship with God was weakening and i was losing my desire for prayer, for reading His word, for truly trusting in Him. When I should have been growing, I was dying.

Then I signed up for the July and August 2007 missions trip to the Czech Republic. I do not deny that this was an amazing experience for me, and a growing one. I learned a lot over there and the people I met and who have become my friends will always be dear and close to my heart. I was sure that I should come back during the first week of camp, and I don't doubt that that is true... however, I now doubt the nature of my return. As everyone knows probably, I met a wonderful young man over there and we began a relationship. I do not doubt now that waiting to pursue that relationship would have been wise... had I known more about some of the differences in our circumstances I would have waited. But I was so sure that I had found my direction in life that I didn't really care. This HAD to be it, it just "made sense". Looking back, I am not so sure it did... I don't regret having the relationship in most aspects. The first half a year after the mission trip I was seeking God pretty strongly and things seemed to be going a bit better. What i didn't see was I was falling into some old weaknesses, cutting myself off from friends and fellowship and focusing too much on the relationship and on a country that was 5000 miles away, rather than focusing on where God had me right then. He was again using situations and people to try and change that but I wasn't paying much attention because I was so sure I was right.

I returned to Czech in winter 2007/2008 and had a great time for the most part visiting friends and boyfriend. But things began to turn worse, and got increasingly worse after I left and in the year following. His parents adamantly tried to break us up throughout 2008 and have even kept him from ministry because he visited me here this winter 2008/2009. I do not for one second believe that the actions his parents have taken are right and Godly, but I do begin to wonder--is God really trying to use this to show us something, or is it just the devil trying to put up a block to God's work? It's really difficult to tell right now. I am in the process of praying and digging to find answers. It's hard to admit now that this path I was pursuing might be wrong. I have applied for a work permit in Czech next year, but I haven't heard anything about it except that the laws changed in January, after I applied, and it is "supposedly" easier but... if that work permit doesn't come, I think it will be a pretty solid sign.

Meanwhile, I have been enjoying much of my time living at home in Black Forest. I am going to my home church again, which is growing me SO much more than I have in 4 1/2 years. I am involved with the high school youth group and LOVING it... I am enjoying getting to know new people and some people I have seen grow up. :) I love going to the retreats with them, and I love going to Sunday School and the church service. I am meeting once weekly with a close Christian friend for fellowship and discipleship and encouragement and for the most part that has gone well (but needs a little more focus from my end. :) ). I am participating in the "Shelley Challenge" of reading through the New Testament by the end of May, which also needs some work, but is definitely growing me. I am student teaching currently at an elementary school (move to a middle school in 3 weeks) and I am learning a lot there and honestly, except for being so tired I immensely enjoy playing music games with these kids. Ever since the first weekend of being back in Black Forest, my heart has been lighter and things have been good.

There have been some very difficult things that I won't go into detail about here, but some of my past mistakes have come back to haunt me in a way I never thought they could, and in a way I think they still never should have. In the midst of this I am doing my best to remember who I am in Christ the King despite what others may say or think about me.... to remember that He has grown me and changed me over the past couple of years despite my weakened relationship with Him and He is pulling my heart closer to His than ever right now... Sometimes I am shocked at the hurts people in the body of Christ can inflict on one another. I do not claim to be innocent of hurting fellow believers deeply... and I feel more remorse for that than I am sure many know. The wounds of regret can go so deep... and even when the healing is done there will be scars. God heals greatly, but the memories still cause old pains. And right now I am not very close to full healing. But it is amazing as well to see how He has transformed my heart... I do not get as angry as I once did, I have more self control and more love... but still, I find myself fighting to not make the same mistakes. But this time He is nearer because I am not believing lies, and in Him I am stronger.

So right now my life is a chaotic mess, of not really knowing what will happen after I graduate May 16. There are reconciliations to be made and growth to experience and God to know. I am experiencing all at once great joy and great sorrow. Some days are incredibly hard to get through and some fill me with joy. The biggest difference is Jesus. He is becoming more real, more present than ever... and I do not know what He is using this time to prepare me for but whether it is here in Colorado, somewhere else in the US, or in another country (even Czech) I know it will be incredible. He is an awesome God and even when I do not know His plans and timing I know He can be trusted.

To those who have been hurt... I ask your forgiveness and love.
To those who have been patient... I thank you and ask for it to continue. :)
To those who have loved... I can never be more thankful and I love you back.
To those who have prayed... you have done the best thing there is to do.
To all who have gracefully read this and still care... you mean the world to me, and I couldn't keep going without you.