Christ is not a lifestyle; He is life itself.
This is the thought that pervades my mind as I seek the Lord's strength... I have been so distracted, so tired lately... that I have not taken the adequate and necessary time to prepare for this trip. My Father is gently prodding me, encouraging me to "function" despite the mild chaos surrounding me right now. He is reminding me that when I chose to follow Him, by his Grace, I did not choose to live a certain lifestyle, but to die to myself, surrender my life, and allow Jesus to become the very air I breathe.
So often I find myself daily in a dangerously narrow mindset, focusing on myself and only the immediate surroundings which are most important to me. I have not chosen nearly enough to place value in most others, to place value in the peoples of the world I have not even met yet, to value the dire need of the nations for a Savior... The Lord cares for every trial and trouble of my heart, for every tear which falls from my eye, but He desires that my heart be His heart... and His heartbeat is for a lost world so desperately in need of Him.
I am merely a vessel. I cannot serve unless He allows, He lives in me and through me. My life is not my own; it was bought at a price. A steep, steep price.
Thursday, July 12, 2007
Thursday, May 24, 2007
The Calling
"But Daniel resolved not to defile himself with the royal food and wine...To these four young men God gave knowledge and understanding of all kinds of literature and learning..."
Daniel 1:8a, 17a
As I read this passage and pondered over it while eating a delicious sandwich, the following thought passed through my head--the calling to a life in Christ really IS a drastic contrast to life of this world, when lived in truth.
Yes, many of us have had this thought before, but how often has it had the power to truly change us from the inside out? How different are we really? I ask these questions of myself quite frequently these days, and praise the Lord, He keeps revealing to me many ways I still need to grow. And when my heart is turned to Him I experience joy even through these painful convictions. Even as tears flow down my cheeks my heart is full because of the love of Christ.
Just as Daniel resolved not to defile himself with "unclean" food, I want to be resolved not to defile myself with the life of this world... by filling my fleshly, earthly desires rather than letting the Lord fill me, by becoming polluted by simply trying to "fit in", by letting selfishness consume me rather than the love of Christ... I cannot merely be a voice speaking these truths but a vessel expressing them silently through my actions, which will scream loudly to those who take notice.
But this is not for my glory--no, it is for the Lord's! To truly be in step with my Savior... I must be willing to sacrifice recognition, to bite my tongue, to do His will simply because He wants me to and deserves for me to rather than because I expect something in return. Yet even though I should not expect "payment", God will reward those who are faithful!
He rewarded Daniel and His friends with wisdom, knowledge, and particularly in Daniel's case, special abilities (interpreting dreams). The Lord promises us great things if we obey and seek to live a life in Christ Jesus rather than succumbing to the temptation of a worldly life. We see snippets of this life... take tiny bites... and still turn our backs! I have experienced this myself. For one brief instance I will be focused on my Savior and madly in love with Him and He will reveal a truth to me... and even if it hurts I will praise Him! But then... though we have the knowledge through experience of how much greater this life, this calling is... we fall away the next instant, seeming to forget what God has shown us as possible.
I'm amazed at how difficult it can be to live this radical, truth-consumed life. I love it... I am sooo blessed that the Lord has made this possible at ALL... but it's not easy. God promised that it would not be. And then He gives us His shoulder to lean on and carries us through the darkest moments, fulfilling His promise of faithfulness.
Daniel 1:8a, 17a
As I read this passage and pondered over it while eating a delicious sandwich, the following thought passed through my head--the calling to a life in Christ really IS a drastic contrast to life of this world, when lived in truth.
Yes, many of us have had this thought before, but how often has it had the power to truly change us from the inside out? How different are we really? I ask these questions of myself quite frequently these days, and praise the Lord, He keeps revealing to me many ways I still need to grow. And when my heart is turned to Him I experience joy even through these painful convictions. Even as tears flow down my cheeks my heart is full because of the love of Christ.
Just as Daniel resolved not to defile himself with "unclean" food, I want to be resolved not to defile myself with the life of this world... by filling my fleshly, earthly desires rather than letting the Lord fill me, by becoming polluted by simply trying to "fit in", by letting selfishness consume me rather than the love of Christ... I cannot merely be a voice speaking these truths but a vessel expressing them silently through my actions, which will scream loudly to those who take notice.
But this is not for my glory--no, it is for the Lord's! To truly be in step with my Savior... I must be willing to sacrifice recognition, to bite my tongue, to do His will simply because He wants me to and deserves for me to rather than because I expect something in return. Yet even though I should not expect "payment", God will reward those who are faithful!
He rewarded Daniel and His friends with wisdom, knowledge, and particularly in Daniel's case, special abilities (interpreting dreams). The Lord promises us great things if we obey and seek to live a life in Christ Jesus rather than succumbing to the temptation of a worldly life. We see snippets of this life... take tiny bites... and still turn our backs! I have experienced this myself. For one brief instance I will be focused on my Savior and madly in love with Him and He will reveal a truth to me... and even if it hurts I will praise Him! But then... though we have the knowledge through experience of how much greater this life, this calling is... we fall away the next instant, seeming to forget what God has shown us as possible.
I'm amazed at how difficult it can be to live this radical, truth-consumed life. I love it... I am sooo blessed that the Lord has made this possible at ALL... but it's not easy. God promised that it would not be. And then He gives us His shoulder to lean on and carries us through the darkest moments, fulfilling His promise of faithfulness.
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
Defying Human Nature
Oswald Chambers writes in his devotional My Utmost for His Highest, for May 14 (The Habit of Enjoying Adversity):
"Never live on your memories of past experiences, but let the Word of God always be living and active in you."
I am sure I was somewhat unaware of the human tendency to do this, simply because basing each new day on past experiences is such an ingrained aspect of my life. I base how I treat people on past interactions with them. I base my motivations and decisions for school on past experiences and motivations. I base my attitude each day on the events of the previous day...
How wrong this seems!
If I am truly being made new and transformed by the Word of God... if I am truly submitting to Him daily and desiring Him to work in me... then these things drastically subside in importance.
My interaction with people should be based not on my past with them (especially those with whom the past is shaky and riddled with hurt), but rather our interaction should be based on the love of Christ! I should love others as Christ loves them and me and learn to let go of my hurts, give them into the powerful hands of God (who already paid for them anyway), and not let those hurts poison my relationships with people. I must also allow the love of God to permeate me such that my fear of interacting with new people does not keep me from genuinely loving them or even meeting them to begin with.
My motivation in school and work should be an attitude of "whatever you do, do it as working for God and not men." I sometimes realize "in the moment" when the Lord is changing this attitude within my heart - yet taking the executing step is difficult. I am more prone to laziness than I would prefer to admit. Overcoming this laziness and weakness is by God's grace alone but requires effort. An ironic situation--I must be motivated enough to let God motivate me. :) I long to be motivated to be "productive" in my school work, house work, and especially in my relationship with the Lord. I find it surprising how difficult it can be at times to be motivated to study God's word or converse with Him! How backwards that seems.
Often when I have a bad day... even a seemingly endless span of bad days, such as I experiencd recently... I wake up the next day and quickly feel a heaviness in my heart which is a more than sufficient reminder of the pain I have recently experienced. I find most often that to pull myself from whatever pit I have dug myself into requires some positive event to happen... either a very significant event or just anything positive with whoever I have experienced pain with. How wrong this is! Regardless of whatever the days past have been like, I must learn to let the Lord mold my attitude each morning... it should be an attitude of thankfulness, of grace, of joy at the very breath of life He provides though I am so undeserving.
No matter how overwhelmed I am feeling with school, a relationship, with the seemingly endless convictions the Lord is putting on my heart calling for a heart change... It should be His Word alone which shapes me and my experiences. Only the purest truth, the one that supercedes by far whatever "truth" I am experiencing in this world. I am amazed that God provides, in His great mercy, the strength by His spirit to experience His joy despite what may be happening in my life--not that He makes it easy, but He makes it possible when without Him it would be utterly impossible.
"Never live on your memories of past experiences, but let the Word of God always be living and active in you."
I am sure I was somewhat unaware of the human tendency to do this, simply because basing each new day on past experiences is such an ingrained aspect of my life. I base how I treat people on past interactions with them. I base my motivations and decisions for school on past experiences and motivations. I base my attitude each day on the events of the previous day...
How wrong this seems!
If I am truly being made new and transformed by the Word of God... if I am truly submitting to Him daily and desiring Him to work in me... then these things drastically subside in importance.
My interaction with people should be based not on my past with them (especially those with whom the past is shaky and riddled with hurt), but rather our interaction should be based on the love of Christ! I should love others as Christ loves them and me and learn to let go of my hurts, give them into the powerful hands of God (who already paid for them anyway), and not let those hurts poison my relationships with people. I must also allow the love of God to permeate me such that my fear of interacting with new people does not keep me from genuinely loving them or even meeting them to begin with.
My motivation in school and work should be an attitude of "whatever you do, do it as working for God and not men." I sometimes realize "in the moment" when the Lord is changing this attitude within my heart - yet taking the executing step is difficult. I am more prone to laziness than I would prefer to admit. Overcoming this laziness and weakness is by God's grace alone but requires effort. An ironic situation--I must be motivated enough to let God motivate me. :) I long to be motivated to be "productive" in my school work, house work, and especially in my relationship with the Lord. I find it surprising how difficult it can be at times to be motivated to study God's word or converse with Him! How backwards that seems.
Often when I have a bad day... even a seemingly endless span of bad days, such as I experiencd recently... I wake up the next day and quickly feel a heaviness in my heart which is a more than sufficient reminder of the pain I have recently experienced. I find most often that to pull myself from whatever pit I have dug myself into requires some positive event to happen... either a very significant event or just anything positive with whoever I have experienced pain with. How wrong this is! Regardless of whatever the days past have been like, I must learn to let the Lord mold my attitude each morning... it should be an attitude of thankfulness, of grace, of joy at the very breath of life He provides though I am so undeserving.
No matter how overwhelmed I am feeling with school, a relationship, with the seemingly endless convictions the Lord is putting on my heart calling for a heart change... It should be His Word alone which shapes me and my experiences. Only the purest truth, the one that supercedes by far whatever "truth" I am experiencing in this world. I am amazed that God provides, in His great mercy, the strength by His spirit to experience His joy despite what may be happening in my life--not that He makes it easy, but He makes it possible when without Him it would be utterly impossible.
Tuesday, May 8, 2007
Marks of genuine Love
I wonder... can any of us love genuinely and be aware of it? If we feel or think that we are loving genuinely, has pride set in and our love been proved ungenuine as a result? Or is it possible that God can open our eyes to our personal growth without it making us prideful?
I was thinking these thoughts earlier today as I pondered whether I truly, genuinely love people. I think I tend to love people I develop relationships with... much like I have a heart for that which is in my immediate surroundings and have a more difficult time finding genuine compassion, concern, and love for that which is far away in the world. How I pray for a global perspective and heart! But... the same thing with people. My heart feels so full when I ponder my relationships with believers and nonbelievers. But when I meet new people... I get scared. I want to hide inside of myself, afraid for some reason to get to know them. I honestly don't know why.
There are a couple of friends the Lord blessed me with this year that I would never have "chosen" on my own... they are amazing people with beautiful hearts that, for some exterior reason--be it appearance or behavior--would not have been ones I would choose to include in my life. Sad but true. Thankfully the Lord had other plans. He's opening my eyes more and more... helping me love people for who they are even before I know them well, removing my fear of developing new relationships... and he's convicting me when I look at someone and fear getting to know them.
And with those I have known much longer... with all that the Lord has been changing inside of me this year I am becoming acutely aware that any love I may have felt for some dear friends over the years has been anything but genuine. It's been outright selfish. It's difficult to admit and recall and deal with the memories of how I have wasted time.... years even... upset over petty things, ruining relationships by demanding my own way and even being unintentionally manipulative. I'm amazed at those who have stood by me as long as they have, even if those relationships are now strained to a point where I fear they may never truly heal. Yet... I sense God is changing my heart much with this awareness, and that's where I question whether I am being prideful. I thought about a particular friend this afternoon, and realized that it is truly my desire to show said friend that I love them by honoring their wishes, even when those wishes specifically disclude me. While it brought tears to my eyes... suddenly honoring those wishes and that person were more important than my own desires. Which is why I wondered, "am I beginning to understand genuine love? And does it mean I am being prideful in supposedly being able to see it?" It's just been my thought that true humility will go completely unrecognized by the humble person... someone will say something and they will think "...really? I was being humble? hmm." And then let it go without another thought, having never thought about it before.
How I long to love others genuinely, in humility and gentleness...
I was thinking these thoughts earlier today as I pondered whether I truly, genuinely love people. I think I tend to love people I develop relationships with... much like I have a heart for that which is in my immediate surroundings and have a more difficult time finding genuine compassion, concern, and love for that which is far away in the world. How I pray for a global perspective and heart! But... the same thing with people. My heart feels so full when I ponder my relationships with believers and nonbelievers. But when I meet new people... I get scared. I want to hide inside of myself, afraid for some reason to get to know them. I honestly don't know why.
There are a couple of friends the Lord blessed me with this year that I would never have "chosen" on my own... they are amazing people with beautiful hearts that, for some exterior reason--be it appearance or behavior--would not have been ones I would choose to include in my life. Sad but true. Thankfully the Lord had other plans. He's opening my eyes more and more... helping me love people for who they are even before I know them well, removing my fear of developing new relationships... and he's convicting me when I look at someone and fear getting to know them.
And with those I have known much longer... with all that the Lord has been changing inside of me this year I am becoming acutely aware that any love I may have felt for some dear friends over the years has been anything but genuine. It's been outright selfish. It's difficult to admit and recall and deal with the memories of how I have wasted time.... years even... upset over petty things, ruining relationships by demanding my own way and even being unintentionally manipulative. I'm amazed at those who have stood by me as long as they have, even if those relationships are now strained to a point where I fear they may never truly heal. Yet... I sense God is changing my heart much with this awareness, and that's where I question whether I am being prideful. I thought about a particular friend this afternoon, and realized that it is truly my desire to show said friend that I love them by honoring their wishes, even when those wishes specifically disclude me. While it brought tears to my eyes... suddenly honoring those wishes and that person were more important than my own desires. Which is why I wondered, "am I beginning to understand genuine love? And does it mean I am being prideful in supposedly being able to see it?" It's just been my thought that true humility will go completely unrecognized by the humble person... someone will say something and they will think "...really? I was being humble? hmm." And then let it go without another thought, having never thought about it before.
How I long to love others genuinely, in humility and gentleness...
Sunday, April 29, 2007
Metaphoric teaching
Okay, maybe this is extremely lame, but God used the weather today to remind me of his truth.
I was in Black Forest for the day and a rainstorm was passing through when I was leaving. It was big but not so big that is covered the whole sky... as I was driving west the sunlight was still very bright, and the light was made much more intense by the dark cloud covering part of the sun and a good portion of the rest of the sky. This intense light amplified every beautiful color... the snow on Pikes Peak was so brilliantly white because there was some blue sky to the south, dark clouds above it, and bright sunlight from the northwest. It was crazy. As I looked at the foothills and mountains there seemed to be sooo many more hills than I remembered because the light and shadows combined to outline each one... I have no idea how it works. Every color and shape, though, was much more intense due to this combination of light and dark.
The lesson in that for me was... well, I've been going through my own metaphorical storm lately. And, God brought out some sunlight through that recently. The storm isn't over and it isn't huge, much like the one I saw today. But the goodness of the light combined with the difficulty of the remaining darkness amplified many things for me, helping me to see things a lot more clearly than I have before. Things about myself, relationships with people and with God, and how God works when sometimes it seems He is gone.
Then as I was driving north, I saw an extremely brilliant rainbow, made much brighter by the very dark clouds in the background. The rainbow in the storm reminded me that God keeps his promise, even during the darkness of the storm, and that His promise and truth will prevail and He will not leave me or fail me no matter how the storm rages. I also noticed that, for the first time, I could see from the ground that the rainbow did not seem to be coming from BEHIND the landscape - I could see faintly the colors against the ground beneath the horizon, which was strange. It reminded me that I once saw a rainbow from the air. A rainbow is actually not an arc but a complete circle, like a halo. It was so amazing. And THAT reminded me that God's goodness, faithfulness, and promises are eternal - they have no beginning or end, like the rainbow. And, like the rainbow, we have a difficult time comprehending that because most of the time we cannot see the complete picture. Like seeing a rainbow from an airplane, it takes a new and rare perspective to see things as they really are.
Lastlly, as a I passed Castle Rock, I could see in my rearview mirror the bright rainbow behind me now, huge against the very dark sky. I was past the storm and the sun was out at this point, and it reminded me that even as the storms of life (how lame sounding! ahhh!) pass by and we are brought through them with the assurance of God's promise, His promises remain... they do not fade with the storm. But, the glory of God's promises can be much more difficult to remember when the storm is past and especially when the sun is shining brilliantly. It's easy to enjoy the perfect weather and forget that we need God even when things are going well.
Oh, how I need my savior now more than ever... He must be my strength as the sun shines brighter and brighter! Only with my Lord can the sun shine anyway. I pray He will bless me with sunshine and storms... and rainbows...
I was in Black Forest for the day and a rainstorm was passing through when I was leaving. It was big but not so big that is covered the whole sky... as I was driving west the sunlight was still very bright, and the light was made much more intense by the dark cloud covering part of the sun and a good portion of the rest of the sky. This intense light amplified every beautiful color... the snow on Pikes Peak was so brilliantly white because there was some blue sky to the south, dark clouds above it, and bright sunlight from the northwest. It was crazy. As I looked at the foothills and mountains there seemed to be sooo many more hills than I remembered because the light and shadows combined to outline each one... I have no idea how it works. Every color and shape, though, was much more intense due to this combination of light and dark.
The lesson in that for me was... well, I've been going through my own metaphorical storm lately. And, God brought out some sunlight through that recently. The storm isn't over and it isn't huge, much like the one I saw today. But the goodness of the light combined with the difficulty of the remaining darkness amplified many things for me, helping me to see things a lot more clearly than I have before. Things about myself, relationships with people and with God, and how God works when sometimes it seems He is gone.
Then as I was driving north, I saw an extremely brilliant rainbow, made much brighter by the very dark clouds in the background. The rainbow in the storm reminded me that God keeps his promise, even during the darkness of the storm, and that His promise and truth will prevail and He will not leave me or fail me no matter how the storm rages. I also noticed that, for the first time, I could see from the ground that the rainbow did not seem to be coming from BEHIND the landscape - I could see faintly the colors against the ground beneath the horizon, which was strange. It reminded me that I once saw a rainbow from the air. A rainbow is actually not an arc but a complete circle, like a halo. It was so amazing. And THAT reminded me that God's goodness, faithfulness, and promises are eternal - they have no beginning or end, like the rainbow. And, like the rainbow, we have a difficult time comprehending that because most of the time we cannot see the complete picture. Like seeing a rainbow from an airplane, it takes a new and rare perspective to see things as they really are.
Lastlly, as a I passed Castle Rock, I could see in my rearview mirror the bright rainbow behind me now, huge against the very dark sky. I was past the storm and the sun was out at this point, and it reminded me that even as the storms of life (how lame sounding! ahhh!) pass by and we are brought through them with the assurance of God's promise, His promises remain... they do not fade with the storm. But, the glory of God's promises can be much more difficult to remember when the storm is past and especially when the sun is shining brilliantly. It's easy to enjoy the perfect weather and forget that we need God even when things are going well.
Oh, how I need my savior now more than ever... He must be my strength as the sun shines brighter and brighter! Only with my Lord can the sun shine anyway. I pray He will bless me with sunshine and storms... and rainbows...
Friday, April 20, 2007
What my Lord has been teaching me...
In no particular order...
1) I am selfish. I unintentionally put others before myself. Even when inside I want to do what is best for the other person I find myself becoming defensive, wanting to gain the foothold for what I want. I love one on one time with people and allow myself to sometimes be jealous when I cannot have that desired time, rather than appreciating the time I do have, both in groups and one on one, and being happy to see my dear friends enjoying the company of other dear friends.
2) I am presumptuous - judgmental? I don't think judgmental is the right word here. I just tend to assume I know what people are thinking, particularly if I think there is something wrong between myself and another person. And I typically assume the worst. And if the opportunity arises in conversation to become defensive, this is usually what I fall back on-accusing those I love of not caring for me genuinely in return, or at least not showing it. Perhaps I am simply blind.
3) I speak too quickly without thinking first. I tend to say things I don't mean, or say things that don't accurately show what I mean, without processing my thoughts and emotions first. I hurt people in this way. I don't turn to my Jesus with my thoughts and feelings before expressing them to the world. I don't allow Him to make me renewed.
4) I am too emotional. I let my feelings get the best of me. I react to my initial emotions which of course are usually the most strong ones. Rather than giving up my emotions to God, I let them consume and control and overpower me.
5) I, as a result of the above, have a foolish temper. I let the stupid, insignificant things bother me. I don't take the time to differentiate between what is important and what is trivial. I let my foolish pride and anger separate me from my brothers and sisters in Christ at times.
6) I am prideful. I tend to simply assume that I am right when something happens between me and another person rather than praying to the Lord and letting Him show me where I have erred. Rather than letting go of my pride for the sake of reconciliation and love I fight for my "right" rather than admitting I am wrong, at least before it's too late.
7) I allow my heart to worship idols. Of sorts. I allow possessions, relationships, school to become idols to me. I let myself at times become caught up in consumerism, thinking that one item from the store could just make me a little happier, a little more accepted. How foolish I am! I allow myself to believe that a friendship, or a relationship with a guy, is going to fill my heart and help to make me whole, to change me. How foolish I am! I allow myself to believe that if my grades are amazing and I graduate with honors that my heart will be satisfied and I'll look amazing. How foolish I am! None of those things bring the fullness of joy. Only Jesus. Only Jesus.
8) I rely too much on myself. I think I have the "willpower" to change myself and my life. I think I can "make the decision" to just wake up daily and be filled with joy and peace. In reality only God can provide all those things. I must wake up daily and place my trust in Him, humbly ask Him for the gifts of joy, peace, and change. I must let Him renew me from the inside out, rather than relying on my own pathetically weak intentions.
9) My attitude daily does not reflect the life and hope I have in Christ my savior. Especially lately. I've been dealing with so much that I let it overwhelm me and act in foolish, sinful ways. I allow myself to vent to unbelievers in ways that do not honor the Lord because I know they will accept how I feel and what I say. I should be laying my hurt and anger when it arises, my sadness,at the feet of Jesus. They should be offerings to my Lord rather than steam blown off in a sinful attitude. I let one situation run my life rather than coming before the Lord and actually trusting Him to take care of it, to heal my broken spirit, and to restore.
10) I have little patience. I desire instant gratification too much. I want the broken things in my life restored as soon as possible. But rather than trusting that the Lord has it in His might hand, that things WILL be healed and that time must be allowed, I allow my heart to become sunken and sullen for want of immediate renewal. My Lord has brought me to my knees and I simply want to be let up rather than falling prostrate before Him, accepting His admonishment, basking in the opportunity to learn from my many mistakes, and then taking His hand as He gently pulls me up again... clean, fresh, renewed.
...and so much more. My God in heaven loves me too much to leave me the way I am. How I pray He is working in me to change me... in ways I cannot yet see. but God is faithful. He delivers on His promises. "Though the sorrow may last for the night, His joy comes in the morning." Nighttime doesn't last forever. The sun is somewhere below the horizon, ready to break into dawn at any moment. I wait in great anticipation....
1) I am selfish. I unintentionally put others before myself. Even when inside I want to do what is best for the other person I find myself becoming defensive, wanting to gain the foothold for what I want. I love one on one time with people and allow myself to sometimes be jealous when I cannot have that desired time, rather than appreciating the time I do have, both in groups and one on one, and being happy to see my dear friends enjoying the company of other dear friends.
2) I am presumptuous - judgmental? I don't think judgmental is the right word here. I just tend to assume I know what people are thinking, particularly if I think there is something wrong between myself and another person. And I typically assume the worst. And if the opportunity arises in conversation to become defensive, this is usually what I fall back on-accusing those I love of not caring for me genuinely in return, or at least not showing it. Perhaps I am simply blind.
3) I speak too quickly without thinking first. I tend to say things I don't mean, or say things that don't accurately show what I mean, without processing my thoughts and emotions first. I hurt people in this way. I don't turn to my Jesus with my thoughts and feelings before expressing them to the world. I don't allow Him to make me renewed.
4) I am too emotional. I let my feelings get the best of me. I react to my initial emotions which of course are usually the most strong ones. Rather than giving up my emotions to God, I let them consume and control and overpower me.
5) I, as a result of the above, have a foolish temper. I let the stupid, insignificant things bother me. I don't take the time to differentiate between what is important and what is trivial. I let my foolish pride and anger separate me from my brothers and sisters in Christ at times.
6) I am prideful. I tend to simply assume that I am right when something happens between me and another person rather than praying to the Lord and letting Him show me where I have erred. Rather than letting go of my pride for the sake of reconciliation and love I fight for my "right" rather than admitting I am wrong, at least before it's too late.
7) I allow my heart to worship idols. Of sorts. I allow possessions, relationships, school to become idols to me. I let myself at times become caught up in consumerism, thinking that one item from the store could just make me a little happier, a little more accepted. How foolish I am! I allow myself to believe that a friendship, or a relationship with a guy, is going to fill my heart and help to make me whole, to change me. How foolish I am! I allow myself to believe that if my grades are amazing and I graduate with honors that my heart will be satisfied and I'll look amazing. How foolish I am! None of those things bring the fullness of joy. Only Jesus. Only Jesus.
8) I rely too much on myself. I think I have the "willpower" to change myself and my life. I think I can "make the decision" to just wake up daily and be filled with joy and peace. In reality only God can provide all those things. I must wake up daily and place my trust in Him, humbly ask Him for the gifts of joy, peace, and change. I must let Him renew me from the inside out, rather than relying on my own pathetically weak intentions.
9) My attitude daily does not reflect the life and hope I have in Christ my savior. Especially lately. I've been dealing with so much that I let it overwhelm me and act in foolish, sinful ways. I allow myself to vent to unbelievers in ways that do not honor the Lord because I know they will accept how I feel and what I say. I should be laying my hurt and anger when it arises, my sadness,at the feet of Jesus. They should be offerings to my Lord rather than steam blown off in a sinful attitude. I let one situation run my life rather than coming before the Lord and actually trusting Him to take care of it, to heal my broken spirit, and to restore.
10) I have little patience. I desire instant gratification too much. I want the broken things in my life restored as soon as possible. But rather than trusting that the Lord has it in His might hand, that things WILL be healed and that time must be allowed, I allow my heart to become sunken and sullen for want of immediate renewal. My Lord has brought me to my knees and I simply want to be let up rather than falling prostrate before Him, accepting His admonishment, basking in the opportunity to learn from my many mistakes, and then taking His hand as He gently pulls me up again... clean, fresh, renewed.
...and so much more. My God in heaven loves me too much to leave me the way I am. How I pray He is working in me to change me... in ways I cannot yet see. but God is faithful. He delivers on His promises. "Though the sorrow may last for the night, His joy comes in the morning." Nighttime doesn't last forever. The sun is somewhere below the horizon, ready to break into dawn at any moment. I wait in great anticipation....
Sunday, March 25, 2007
Love-1 Corinthians 13 love.
I wrote this poem late last night when I was extremely tired and feeling overly emotional. I was dealing with disappointment in myself, relief in the face of forgiveness, and trying desperately hard not to worry about anything.
It began as being about how I was treating a particular person (this person will know who they are), and quickly turned into more of a prayer, praise the Lord. I love how He always brings our focus back to Himself, ultimately.
Love is patient, love is kind
I wish I were to you.
It does not boast and is not proud
I hope these will be true.
Love is not rude or selfish
But I am often so.
Love keeps no record of any wrongs
Oh, Lord, I need to grow.
Love rejoices not in evil but in truth
How joyous this can be.
Love always hopes and perseveres
Oh, from worry, to be so free!
True love, oh Lord, never fails
You've made it to be so.
I pray only your genuine love
will evermore from me flow.
Thank you, my friend.
It began as being about how I was treating a particular person (this person will know who they are), and quickly turned into more of a prayer, praise the Lord. I love how He always brings our focus back to Himself, ultimately.
Love is patient, love is kind
I wish I were to you.
It does not boast and is not proud
I hope these will be true.
Love is not rude or selfish
But I am often so.
Love keeps no record of any wrongs
Oh, Lord, I need to grow.
Love rejoices not in evil but in truth
How joyous this can be.
Love always hopes and perseveres
Oh, from worry, to be so free!
True love, oh Lord, never fails
You've made it to be so.
I pray only your genuine love
will evermore from me flow.
Thank you, my friend.
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
Failing
Some days I just can't find in me the strength even to turn to the Lord and be healed. I don't understand.
This is one of those random, not-often-occurring evenings where nothing seems to be going right for no real explicable reason. I simply feel overwhelmed and depressed due to school, relationships, and even, especially, my relationship with the Lord. I feel that I am failing in all of those areas.
I can't find the motivation to work hard in school and care about it.
I can't seem to give my relationships over to the Lord and trust Him with them, and I can't just be a normal human being with people. I don't know how to be me. I'm not sure I understand right now who I am.
I can't seem to spend quality prayer time with the Lord the last couple of weeks, can't make the time to meditate on His word, can't let my life be an example of His love.
I'm not even trying to lean on myself as opposed to the Lord. I'm not relying on myself to do things. But nothing seems to be going right. I feel like such a miserable failure. I know it will pass.
Even though I feel that I am in darkness now I know somehow and not too far away is the time when my Jesus will have pulled me from the shadows into his loving arms of grace once again.
This is one of those random, not-often-occurring evenings where nothing seems to be going right for no real explicable reason. I simply feel overwhelmed and depressed due to school, relationships, and even, especially, my relationship with the Lord. I feel that I am failing in all of those areas.
I can't find the motivation to work hard in school and care about it.
I can't seem to give my relationships over to the Lord and trust Him with them, and I can't just be a normal human being with people. I don't know how to be me. I'm not sure I understand right now who I am.
I can't seem to spend quality prayer time with the Lord the last couple of weeks, can't make the time to meditate on His word, can't let my life be an example of His love.
I'm not even trying to lean on myself as opposed to the Lord. I'm not relying on myself to do things. But nothing seems to be going right. I feel like such a miserable failure. I know it will pass.
Even though I feel that I am in darkness now I know somehow and not too far away is the time when my Jesus will have pulled me from the shadows into his loving arms of grace once again.
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
Psalm 25:3-12, 14-15
I've lately been struggling with giving something over to the Lord that I hold dear to my heart. Which, in a spiritual sense, is completely contradictory--why wouldn't I want to give something precious into the Lord's hands, when it is in His able hands that this thing would be most safe in? In a human sense it's completely natural. That part of me would never trust anyone else with it. But since 2 Corinthians 5:17 says that I am a new creation, the old is gone and the new has come, I must give this thing over.
And I know the results will be astounding and beyond what I can now comprehend. :)
I write Bible verses on notecards and hang them above my desk. As I was thinking about giving this thing over to the Lord last night my eyes fell upon the notecard with Psalm 25:3-12, 14-15 on it. That really spoke to me.
No one whose hope is in you will ever be put to shame, but they will bye put to shame who are treacherous without excuse.
Show me your ways, I Lord, teach me your paths; guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my savior, and my hope is in you all day long.
Remember, I Lord, your great mercy and love, for they are from of old.
Remember not the sins of my youth and my rebellious ways; according to your love remember me, for you are good, I Lord.
Good and upright is the Lord; therefore he instructs sinners in his ways.
He guides the humble in what is right and teaches them his way.
All the ways of the Lord are loving and faithful for those who keep the demands of his covenant.
For the sake of your name, I Lord, forgive my iniquity, though it is great. Who then, is the man that fears the Lord? He will instruct him in the way chosen for him.
The Lord confides in those who fear him; he makes his covenant known to them.
My eyes are ever on the Lord, for only he will release my feet from the snare.
This is my cry to my Lord.... and my heart cries out with my own words in response.
My feet tread lightly on the path
I breathe in deep your sweet, sweet scent.
My God, you've brought me to this place
By grace we here have met.
Yet a soft heaviness is on my heart
Which tugs me threateningly from your grasp.
Can I give my heart's desire to you
And only to your will now clasp?
I look at me and see only stains
The blackness of my soul.
Yet you look at me and see purity
A white garment--you have made my whole.
So can I give into your mighty hand
That which I hold so dear?
If I place my hope in you alone,
I know I will have nothing to fear.
Release my feet, Lord, from this snare
That I may be free and trust in you
May my eyes be ever on you alone,
My life be marked only by what is true.
Instruct this sinner in your ways
Give your gentle, loving reprimand,
I will win this battle because I'm not alone
My heart's desire is in your mighty hand.
So my feet tread lightly upon the path
Still I breathe in your sweet, sweet scent.
You're by my side the whole day through
It's by your grace we here have met.
And I know the results will be astounding and beyond what I can now comprehend. :)
I write Bible verses on notecards and hang them above my desk. As I was thinking about giving this thing over to the Lord last night my eyes fell upon the notecard with Psalm 25:3-12, 14-15 on it. That really spoke to me.
No one whose hope is in you will ever be put to shame, but they will bye put to shame who are treacherous without excuse.
Show me your ways, I Lord, teach me your paths; guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my savior, and my hope is in you all day long.
Remember, I Lord, your great mercy and love, for they are from of old.
Remember not the sins of my youth and my rebellious ways; according to your love remember me, for you are good, I Lord.
Good and upright is the Lord; therefore he instructs sinners in his ways.
He guides the humble in what is right and teaches them his way.
All the ways of the Lord are loving and faithful for those who keep the demands of his covenant.
For the sake of your name, I Lord, forgive my iniquity, though it is great. Who then, is the man that fears the Lord? He will instruct him in the way chosen for him.
The Lord confides in those who fear him; he makes his covenant known to them.
My eyes are ever on the Lord, for only he will release my feet from the snare.
This is my cry to my Lord.... and my heart cries out with my own words in response.
My feet tread lightly on the path
I breathe in deep your sweet, sweet scent.
My God, you've brought me to this place
By grace we here have met.
Yet a soft heaviness is on my heart
Which tugs me threateningly from your grasp.
Can I give my heart's desire to you
And only to your will now clasp?
I look at me and see only stains
The blackness of my soul.
Yet you look at me and see purity
A white garment--you have made my whole.
So can I give into your mighty hand
That which I hold so dear?
If I place my hope in you alone,
I know I will have nothing to fear.
Release my feet, Lord, from this snare
That I may be free and trust in you
May my eyes be ever on you alone,
My life be marked only by what is true.
Instruct this sinner in your ways
Give your gentle, loving reprimand,
I will win this battle because I'm not alone
My heart's desire is in your mighty hand.
So my feet tread lightly upon the path
Still I breathe in your sweet, sweet scent.
You're by my side the whole day through
It's by your grace we here have met.
Sunday, March 4, 2007
Lacking in Motivation...
Well, in the past few years I have been relatively motivated in school. I have had little trouble keeping my grades up, however busy I have been - which I restricted for that very purpose! It used to be that I had to find the motivation to study God's word, to pray, to purposefully spend time with my Lord and build a solid relationship with Him.
Now the tables have turned somewhat... I am currently at Morgan Library. I have been here for probably an hour and a half and have probably contributed about fifteen minutes towards my research paper proposal which is due tomorrow. Woohoo. :) I have spent the time scanning in some more high school pictures for a project, coming up with some ideas to encourage people, and writing in my journal. That time was good, reflecting on the Lord and how He's working in my life. Now if ONLY I could find the motivation to finish my homework!
Please pray for me as I try to live out Colossians 3:23 in my life.
"Work willingly at whatever you do, as though working for the Lord rather than for people." (NLT)
I know that my degree will be an amazing tool, potentially, for missions in many ways, and I know that working with all my heart even at school work can bring Him glory - show that I am devoted to doing my best at whatever He brings my way.
Please pray also for upcoming missions opportunities - possibly a two-week trip to the Czech Republic in July-August with Mountain View (my Fort Collins church), a possible future trip to Kenya, as well as the idea Ryan Seal has of taking a trip to Peru (to visit good ole Kyle Thayer!) with a group from Black Forest Chapel to do short term missions there next summer. Please pray for direction for those trips and that the currently unofficial ones (Kenya and Peru) will come together smoothly if the Lord wills.
Now the tables have turned somewhat... I am currently at Morgan Library. I have been here for probably an hour and a half and have probably contributed about fifteen minutes towards my research paper proposal which is due tomorrow. Woohoo. :) I have spent the time scanning in some more high school pictures for a project, coming up with some ideas to encourage people, and writing in my journal. That time was good, reflecting on the Lord and how He's working in my life. Now if ONLY I could find the motivation to finish my homework!
Please pray for me as I try to live out Colossians 3:23 in my life.
"Work willingly at whatever you do, as though working for the Lord rather than for people." (NLT)
I know that my degree will be an amazing tool, potentially, for missions in many ways, and I know that working with all my heart even at school work can bring Him glory - show that I am devoted to doing my best at whatever He brings my way.
Please pray also for upcoming missions opportunities - possibly a two-week trip to the Czech Republic in July-August with Mountain View (my Fort Collins church), a possible future trip to Kenya, as well as the idea Ryan Seal has of taking a trip to Peru (to visit good ole Kyle Thayer!) with a group from Black Forest Chapel to do short term missions there next summer. Please pray for direction for those trips and that the currently unofficial ones (Kenya and Peru) will come together smoothly if the Lord wills.
Thursday, March 1, 2007
My Testimony
Today, after having known the Lord for basically 4-4 1/2 years, I finally can say I have a true testimony.
For the past couple of years, when thinking about my testimony, I have felt that I don't really have any sort of exciting story. I still don't in comparison to some... but today I had the "privilege" of reliving my junior year of high school (through my still-existent livejournal!), the year I came to know the Lord. It was quite a painful experience.
I went into my junior year having just lost my mother but feeling quite happy considering. I started the year joyfully with new friends and a new confidence, especially as drum major for my high school band. Quickly, God brought someone into my life to turn it upside down.
God used a dear friend, on whom I had a crush, to draw me to him eventually. But at the time I was just excited to hang out with this friend who seemed to be enjoying my company as well. Soon he invited me to his church youth group. Around this time my journal entries are so incredibly up and down... I'm depressed one minute and elated the next. In a few instances I wrote about how I did not want to discuss religion with anyone because I was tired of being disagreed with and told my beliefs were wrong.
As my friendship with this person grew (and became in many ways more than friendship), I can now see how God was working in my life. I was so dependent on people to be happy, I wanted MY needs met, I wanted people to like me and accept me. I depended on my new friend for so much of that... I must have absolutely drained him. It's a miracle he is still in my life at all. But as the time progresses in my old journal... I see the Lord first using people (first my new friend and then many people I met at my new church) to reach out to me and love me.
Once people were established in my life, God's word seems to take a much greater hold. As the year progresses, scripture appears more and more into my entries. And becomes more meaningful. At first I often just used scripture to convince myself that my deep relationship with this person was in God's will, but God slowly changed that in my heart and I began to see it for what it really is! I still struggled constantly with my growth, though.... my beliefs slowly began to change and I stopped going to Catholic Church shortly after I was confirmed that spring.
My dear friend was always focusing our conversation on the Lord. At the time I was probably annoyed because I wanted to talk about US. That was probably the most important thing in my life - no wonder the Lord took that away. I can still feel the same joys and pains as I re-read those entries, especially knowing what's about to happen. But even as I am dealing with immense changes - close friends leaving for college and my own graduation, not to mention the all-but-loss of such a valuable relationship in my life - my dependence turns to the Lord. Not entirely but I cried out to him! And He heard me.
My senior year was when I really started turning to Him. I found more new friends in unexpected places (no matter what, the Lord had you in my life for a reason, Nathan!) and began to apply the truth of the Word in my life more and more. I was still so far from completion (I still am!) but the Lord certainly was growing me.
The rest of my testimony is undocumented on livejournal but exists in my memory and handwritten journals. I grew a lot in a short amount of time for a while, and when I left for college I plateaued considerably, for quite a while. I had a passion for some of the lost people in my life but the stresses of school soon caught up with me, and my life became about me more than the Lord, though I still spent time with Him and with Godly people.
I did grow gradually over the first 2 years of college. Then, in October of 2006, the Lord began calling me to major life growth and change. I was ready, however apprehensive - I knew such growth would cause pain! But for the first time in my life I felt ready to accept whatever pain the Lord might bring if it meant becoming closer to Him and more like Jesus! First the Lord took away my nearly 3-year long relationship with Nathan. Not a tear was shed, praise the Lord! He is and always will be a dear friend, and He taught me much about the Lord and myself. Our relationship was a very positive presence in my life overall.
This past 5-6 months so many changes have piled up in my life and it's been so incredibly overwhelming. I felt so many things culminate today in realizing how far the Lord has brought me from where I was four years ago. But I also realized there are some things that haven't changed nearly enough. There are so many things I still need the Lord's help with before I graduate, before I can go into the world and make disciples (another amazing heart change! :) ).
The Lord saved me when I was on a path of self-destruction from depression and dependence on things and people in this world. He caught me up in His precious Hand and took ahold of my heart... He used amazing people and circumstances and His WORD to draw my heart to His. The Lord saved such a wretch as me simply because He wanted to. I did NOTHING to deserve it. I am so thankful... so incredibly thankful. I am humbled by what the Lord has shown me today. I am filled with joys and regrets. Yet another strong desire to change. I want to grow in my precious Savior.
Proverbs 17:27 starts out with, "A wise man uses few words..." oops, guess I violated that one in this instance. Praise the Lord. :)
For the past couple of years, when thinking about my testimony, I have felt that I don't really have any sort of exciting story. I still don't in comparison to some... but today I had the "privilege" of reliving my junior year of high school (through my still-existent livejournal!), the year I came to know the Lord. It was quite a painful experience.
I went into my junior year having just lost my mother but feeling quite happy considering. I started the year joyfully with new friends and a new confidence, especially as drum major for my high school band. Quickly, God brought someone into my life to turn it upside down.
God used a dear friend, on whom I had a crush, to draw me to him eventually. But at the time I was just excited to hang out with this friend who seemed to be enjoying my company as well. Soon he invited me to his church youth group. Around this time my journal entries are so incredibly up and down... I'm depressed one minute and elated the next. In a few instances I wrote about how I did not want to discuss religion with anyone because I was tired of being disagreed with and told my beliefs were wrong.
As my friendship with this person grew (and became in many ways more than friendship), I can now see how God was working in my life. I was so dependent on people to be happy, I wanted MY needs met, I wanted people to like me and accept me. I depended on my new friend for so much of that... I must have absolutely drained him. It's a miracle he is still in my life at all. But as the time progresses in my old journal... I see the Lord first using people (first my new friend and then many people I met at my new church) to reach out to me and love me.
Once people were established in my life, God's word seems to take a much greater hold. As the year progresses, scripture appears more and more into my entries. And becomes more meaningful. At first I often just used scripture to convince myself that my deep relationship with this person was in God's will, but God slowly changed that in my heart and I began to see it for what it really is! I still struggled constantly with my growth, though.... my beliefs slowly began to change and I stopped going to Catholic Church shortly after I was confirmed that spring.
My dear friend was always focusing our conversation on the Lord. At the time I was probably annoyed because I wanted to talk about US. That was probably the most important thing in my life - no wonder the Lord took that away. I can still feel the same joys and pains as I re-read those entries, especially knowing what's about to happen. But even as I am dealing with immense changes - close friends leaving for college and my own graduation, not to mention the all-but-loss of such a valuable relationship in my life - my dependence turns to the Lord. Not entirely but I cried out to him! And He heard me.
My senior year was when I really started turning to Him. I found more new friends in unexpected places (no matter what, the Lord had you in my life for a reason, Nathan!) and began to apply the truth of the Word in my life more and more. I was still so far from completion (I still am!) but the Lord certainly was growing me.
The rest of my testimony is undocumented on livejournal but exists in my memory and handwritten journals. I grew a lot in a short amount of time for a while, and when I left for college I plateaued considerably, for quite a while. I had a passion for some of the lost people in my life but the stresses of school soon caught up with me, and my life became about me more than the Lord, though I still spent time with Him and with Godly people.
I did grow gradually over the first 2 years of college. Then, in October of 2006, the Lord began calling me to major life growth and change. I was ready, however apprehensive - I knew such growth would cause pain! But for the first time in my life I felt ready to accept whatever pain the Lord might bring if it meant becoming closer to Him and more like Jesus! First the Lord took away my nearly 3-year long relationship with Nathan. Not a tear was shed, praise the Lord! He is and always will be a dear friend, and He taught me much about the Lord and myself. Our relationship was a very positive presence in my life overall.
This past 5-6 months so many changes have piled up in my life and it's been so incredibly overwhelming. I felt so many things culminate today in realizing how far the Lord has brought me from where I was four years ago. But I also realized there are some things that haven't changed nearly enough. There are so many things I still need the Lord's help with before I graduate, before I can go into the world and make disciples (another amazing heart change! :) ).
The Lord saved me when I was on a path of self-destruction from depression and dependence on things and people in this world. He caught me up in His precious Hand and took ahold of my heart... He used amazing people and circumstances and His WORD to draw my heart to His. The Lord saved such a wretch as me simply because He wanted to. I did NOTHING to deserve it. I am so thankful... so incredibly thankful. I am humbled by what the Lord has shown me today. I am filled with joys and regrets. Yet another strong desire to change. I want to grow in my precious Savior.
Proverbs 17:27 starts out with, "A wise man uses few words..." oops, guess I violated that one in this instance. Praise the Lord. :)
Welcome. :)
Hello!
Welcome to my new blog. :) This one will be a bit more "exclusive". I am not going to write down every happening of my day. I intend this to be more of a "life update" type of thing (such as when I go on a mission trip or decide what to do when I graduate) as well as a tool for encouragement. I may write down verses and what the Lord has taught me through them. I may write a poem or just "vent" about something amazing the Lord has done or shown me.
Whatever the case may be, enjoy. :)
Welcome to my new blog. :) This one will be a bit more "exclusive". I am not going to write down every happening of my day. I intend this to be more of a "life update" type of thing (such as when I go on a mission trip or decide what to do when I graduate) as well as a tool for encouragement. I may write down verses and what the Lord has taught me through them. I may write a poem or just "vent" about something amazing the Lord has done or shown me.
Whatever the case may be, enjoy. :)
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