Goals for 2012

I have created my goals for 2012! I'm in a productive mood, which will hopefully continue consistently as 2011 becomes the new year. I feel more accomplished and peaceful when I've been productive. So I am posting these goals publicly in hopes that some of my readers might occasionally hold me accountable to them! I'm only editing them slightly for personal reasons (meaning, leaving out small details) and so they appear simpler--I'm not including the steps I have outlined for obtaining the goals. Those are up to me!

So here they are:

1. Obtain and maintain my goal weight.

2. Officially create Spacious Skies Photography

3. Begin reading Bible daily, with a purpose.

These are my MAJOR goals, the ones I consider to be important and top-priority. I also have some FUN goals! :)

1. Read at least 25 books I haven’t read before—10 classics.

2. Re-learn French

3. Organize our apartment/home.

4. Give up caffeinated soda.

Tell me what you think! I'd also love to hear ideas from your own experience about how to obtain these goals and remember them throughout the year!

Thoughts on Tebow

As the Broncos continue to pull off "miraculous" wins each week, Tebow and his team are drawing increasing attention to themselves. Tebow in particular draws praise, criticism, and admiration as the eyes of the world fall upon him.

Tebow is not shy about his faith. This is a huge part of why I, among many, am drawn to him and admire him. He started off his most recent press conference by thanking the Lord. He apparently ended it by saying "Ya'll have a blessed day".

Along with this, he is humble. He constantly praises his teammates, highlighting their accomplishments, stating how they make him look better than he is. He speaks or their talent AND character. He acknowledges his own weaknesses. All of this he does publicly.

Tim Tebow is in the public spotlight closely but is living his life as a believer as if he was just "any ordinary guy". I'm sure he's aware that his mistakes on and off the field will bring even greater criticism to himself as well as all believers. But, so far, he's been a shining example of what it is to stand up for what you believe in, even when you're mocked for it.

I know I want to be as real in my faith as Tim Tebow is.

Tebow's own teammates acknowledge how different he is, and the positive impact he has in their lives. ( http://www.denverpost.com/sports/ci_19527521 ) He's affecting them both on and off the field, clearly. This team is catching the attention of the world because they are winning games in what seems like an impossible fashion. Rather than "letting the Broncos win", I believe that God is simply using their wins to draw attention to the bigger, more important things going on with these men--the changes in their lives that are bringing them together as a team on the football field. That's why they are winning.

So I suppose it can still be called "divine intervention", but I think the intervention is in the hearts of men, not necessarily because God is a Broncos fan. :)

25 Things About Me

Yep. Totally stolen from the trendy Facebook note that was popular in, like, 2009.

But for me, it is simply another opportunity to reflect on who I am. That's important to me.

1. I believe that Jesus died for me on the cross and that I am saved because He took my sins away. This is #1 because it should be. Despite everything, this is always true. God is good, all the time. I am not. I am a sinful human being.

(These are now no longer in any order of importance).

2. I got my degree in music education and taught for a year. Music and teaching are touchy subjects for me. I used to love both; both were pretty much ruined for me. Life has moved on, and I don't like being grilled for details about these things.

You'll probably want to ask me at some point: "what instrument did you play?" and while I'm uttering curses in my head I will pleasantly respond "flute and trumpet and a little of everything else." So now that you've read this, you don't need to ask! :D Happy sparkles all around!

3. I dig photography. I'm learning more and more about it every day and attempting to improve in this area as an ART. I find myself too often hurriedly snapping photos and hoping to God they turn out pretty. A huge goal of mine is to be much more intentional with photography as an art.

4. I love reading. It's a love that seems to ebb at times, but this is primarily due to a lack of time (or a lack of effort to make time, on my part). Lately though I'm totally back into reading, and I don't want to read juvenile works but deeper works, works that make me think about life, my priorities, who I am, what I value, other people's perspectives and ideas, etc.

I just finished "Moloka'i". A fictional account of a girl's life in the leper colony on the island of this name (obviously). EXCELLENT. Loved it, very moving.

I'm currently reading "One Day" (it was a book before a movie)--far removed from Hawai'i, this book takes place in England primarily. A very excellent read, Anglophiles especially will enjoy the British banter.

Next up: "The Help", ALSO a book before a movie. Very interesting-looking book that is basically about racial issues in the south. Looking forward to it.

5. I enjoy movies and television. There's no getting around that. Although I MUCH prefer watching things on DVD (or DVR when I'm somewhere with that) and skipping all the commercials. Lately my attention span has grown shorter for sitting in front of the tube, but sometimes I do enjoy just watching stuff and being a bum. Some of my favorite shows are House, Smallville, and Gilmore Girls. Oh, and Burn Notice, one that pleasantly surprised me by being so awesome. I love too many movies to list here. See Facebook, or something.

6. I long for ADVENTURE. This is, perhaps, a reason for my inability lately to sit still too long. I want to GO, see the world (even just the world that is my city, when I can't go farther). I want to experience new things, learn about the world and people and the way God made everything and I want to enjoy it all with every fiber of my being, because life is precious and a lot shorter than it seemed like when I was, say, 10 years old, or even 16. Suddenly 25 doesn't feel so young and my life is probably a third over at best. I want to enjoy each day, every second, to the fullest, which is perhaps the greatest challenge of all.

7. I have a newfound love for beer and motorcycles. I learned recently I love going with friends to a bar setting, play pool, dance, have a few drinks (I'll skip the drunken part though). A friend took me for a short motorcycle ride and I'm hooked. I may just have to get a license and a bike someday, and a Harley jacket maybe? God help us all.

8. I get along better with guys than girls. Don't get me wrong, I have a few VERY close girl friends and love them dearly. But in general girls are too emotional (ironic, ME saying this...), take things too personally, moody, snippy, etc. Guys, I've found, are generally more laid back and amiable, less judgmental, and they laugh and joke around more--I need that in my life because even though I know I can be hilarious (yes, it's true, actually), I need provocation more often than not to bring this side out of me. Whether that be the company I am with or the cherry coke I am drinking.

9. I am very in tune with my emotions. I have a very affectionate heart. This is both a blessing and a curse. It means I love the people in my life very deeply, even when I feel betrayed by them—my anger does not mute out my love (whether romantic or friendly love). Feelings come and go, but I’ve been blessed with a heart that loves in a deeper way than emotion. Unfortunately this does lead to greater pain at times, when my love and affection are betrayed. I don’t just forget people who come into my life, whether they leave a good or a bad impression. What changes is, once I have cared about someone as my friend or more, they have a place in my heart. The only difference is whether I remember them with pain or pleasure.

10. I have an unhealthy love of cheeseburgers, fries, and buttered popcorn. Love love love these things. It’s all I can do to ensure I eat them in moderation to retain my girlish figure. :D ;) They are comfort foods that I particularly enjoy when traveling. Unfortunately for me, in this regard at least, I travel every week for work the past month!

11. My favorite season is autumn/fall. Hands down. I have an obsession with leaves turning red, orange and yellow and adding a vast array of color to the green and gray mountainsides. 9 months of the year, I long for the crisp yet still pleasant autumn air; the delicious, fresh harvest season; the corn mazes and pumpkin patches; football games and turkey legs; my favorite holiday season; the wonderful smells of fall candles and treats. I love taking pictures in the fall more than any other time. And I love nothing more than sharing the fall with people I care about.

12. I’ve never broken a bone, had stitches, or even a sprain. I might have had one “unofficial” sprain, but I was able to run a mile on it less than 24 hours later so I don’t think it counts. :P I’d really like to continue this trend in my life: no hospital visits for me personally even. The only downside I see in this wonderful circumstance is that I have a somewhat irrational fear of pain. I think I probably have a higher pain tolerance than I think but because nothing bad has happened to me, at least not that I’d consider horrible, I fear something bad happening like getting stabbed or shot or badly cut or something.

13. I have an internal geography conflict. I grew up in California, so I love the ocean (and water in general, but the ocean is my fav). But just before I turned 13 we moved to Colorado… and I eventually fell in love with mountains, snow, the country. If I could have my way I’d cut out Utah and Nevada so I could get back to the ocean sooner. I so wish beautiful Colorado was a bit closer to the ocean.

14. I love cars! Not terribly common for a lady. :) I also don’t like the cars most people typically do. First, I’m a diehard Honda girl. Loyal to a fault. I’ve owned two Accords, a ’96 and an ’02. I currently own a 2011 Fit (orange!!!) and I LOVE it. It’s a sick little car. Other cars I’d love to have: Ford F150, Ford Focus (’12 hatchback model, very nice), Honda Accord Crosstour (the fancier-looking, fuel-guzzling copycat of the Subaru Outback), Honda CR-Z, Ford Mustang, and a green Corvette wouldn’t be too shabby either. :)

15. Cherry Coke is my favorite. Despite knowing how bad it is for me. It affects my mood more than any other beverage, even beer! Beer loosens my tongue; Cherry Coke loosens my mood! It gives me tons of energy usually and improves my mood. It’s my little secret “drug” haha.

16. I have a strange memory for numbers. But I suck at math. I can remember numbers, patterns, etc. very, very well, but even college calculus was a struggle for me—and I didn’t even do pre-algebra til 8^th grade! I blame the California school system for that. All of this stems from a strange balance of right- and left-brained-ness. Again, good at numbers (but not so much at math), think in patterns, very logical/analytical. But I’m also artistic (to a point), excellent with language (English and foreign), and an avid reader with a strong vocabulary and excellent spelling. Kinda weird!

17. I’ve learned three languages to some extent: French, Spanish, and Czech. Of these, I speak Czech best of all. Only about 10 million people in the world speak this language: not very many! I have a knack for language in general, but this one has stuck best. Probably from having visited the country three times—the only foreign country other than Mexico I’ve ever actually been to! I love the country, its people, its language, and definitely its food. :)

18. I love hiking and camping! I’ve climbed 4 fourteeners—peaks over 14,000 feet in elevation. I summited Pikes Peak by foot 3 of 4 times (altitude sickness on one trip :( ), as well as Grey’s and Torrey’s once each (same day) and a nearly-successful climb up Long’s Peak this year. My biggest accomplishment with mountain climbing was going ALL the way up AND down Pikes Peak in one day. It’s a 28-mile round trip. I could barely walk at the end!

19. I have the oldest beta fish ever. His name is Hibiscus and he is over 5 years old. I think he may be nearing the end of his life for real now, but he has been the best fish ever! Always a personality. And I’ve had many, many fish in my life! He’s pretty awesome.

20. The first three guys I dated in my life all were born in July 1985. I swear that was not intentional, but it is a little weird and creepy! They also all had dark brown hair.

21. I like doing things myself. In more ways than one. The first is, I take pride in something I accomplish completely myself, like in the fact that I can make my own homemade bread and mac n cheese. Or when I can set up my equipment at work in less than 30 minutes (this is actually quite a feat). But also I can be a bit of a control freak. :D I like things done a certain way, often times, and I need to learn to trust others to do things to the same level as I can and expect even if it’s done a different way. I’m a person in process-I’m growing. :)

22. I get cold really easy. And yet, I love winter and snow (but not as much as fall and pretty leaves :) ). I think that as long as I’m personally warm, I don’t care how cold it is! I love playing in the snow, all bundled up, but I also love being cuddled up under a blanket in front of a blazing fire and/or a good movie with a mug of tea or hot chocolate in my hand. In my PJs preferably. With someone I love. :) <3

23. I love to cook. I haven’t done it in a month, but I love it. I especially love consuming the food I’ve made. It enhances the sense of pride and accomplishment I described in #21. The only thing I hate about cooking is that it takes 3x longer to cook food than it does to eat it. Maybe 5x longer. Maybe 10x. Whatever. I just wish I could enjoy the food for as long as I toil over it! I need to start cooking again.

24. I’m really not a girly-girl. Reading these “things about me” should be evidence of that. But at the same time, I have my moments! I still like to dress up sometimes. Go shopping on occasion. Watch a chick flick. I love to be told I’m pretty (especially because I was told for so long that I’m not). I love to be complemented. It fills me up and makes me feel great, even if it’s just for a little while. Gives me a boost some days. I also want to be a mostly-stay-at-home-mom eventually. I love taking care of my home and making it a comfy, happy place to be, and if I can do some photography as a business too that’d be great. I come from a church background, where a lot of women desire this, but the desire is my own, not influenced by “religious expectations”. Thank God for that.

25. What to put for the very last one?? I’ve already been scrounging at the end. :)

Okay. I LOVE being happy. This will probably surprise some people. I’ve been through a lot in my life. A lot of very painful, very difficult stuff. And honestly, being happy is more foreign to me than being fearful and sad. But I PREFER being happy. Being happy can be exhausting, but in a good way. :) I love being around people who bring out my happy side, who are infectiously joyful. Especially when they make me laugh. :)

There, 25 things, and it took a LONG time to write them. And a lot of space. But they are things that matter to me. And help me get in touch more with who I am, which is important to me right now. If you read through all of them, you’re dedicated. :) Thanks!!!

Who Am I?

Lately I've done a lot of soul-searching. Self-searching. Something I should have been doing all along and especially before getting married. And despite the chagrin to some people, it's been a very good thing. I've learned so much.

The biggest thing I've learned is that the first 25 years of my life have been largely ruled by fear. And to be honest, this seems to be a problem that plagues Christians a TON. It can affect anyone, of course, but I think the church culture breeds fear in people that they are not even aware of.

For women, the Bible has excellent teachings on how to be Godly and fill our God-given roles. However, I think the church (perhaps inadvertently in most cases) narrows this role down even further until a mold is created that not everyone fits neatly into. I remember most of the girls' groups in church/youth group giving me the impression that to be Godly I had to be soft-spoken, be pretty girly, and just possess a certain persona that I can't find words to express. But I think anyone can guess what I'm talking about.

Now, there's nothing inherently wrong with this image of a Godly woman. The problem comes in that some of us feel like this is what we HAVE to be even though it's NOT who we are. Of course, for a believer there are certain things that are a given, but God doesn't cram us into a little box and make us all little clones. He created us individually and very uniquely. But because I've been trying SO hard for many years to fit into this box (and therefore also fit into certain social groups, specific (judgmental) churches, etc) I've wasted a LOT of time.

When I could've been out trying new things, I sat at home doing the "same old" because it was SAFE. It was ACCEPTED. It was PROPER. There were things people did, even some Christians, that I scoffed at because how could that POSSIBLY be okay for a CHRISTIAN?! Not because the Bible said so but because once again doing such things meant you wouldn't fit into the neat little Christian box.

I never fit into that stupid box anyway.

One way I DO fit the stupid box is I'd love to be a stay-at-home mom and "housewife", take care of the home to make it the best place possible for my family. It's just a desire of my heart, not what I feel compelled or expected to do. And I'd love to have my own photography business on the side too because that fits in well.

But in many, many ways, I don't fit the box. :) That makes me HAPPY.

I don't have a desire to read Beverly Lewis books. (Christian girly love stories, for the uninformed). I have a tendency to burp aloud (although I try to curb this in appropriate situations). I really, really like cars. There's a list of about 7 or 8 that I wish I could have. I'm a hiking-camping type girl. I enjoy intelligent conversation, not just about men or children (God help me) or cooking or crafts. Nothing wrong with those things but I'd rather talk about cars, goofy stuff, even politics or religion at times, learn new things through conversation... I want my whole life to be a learning experience and glean new things from people I encounter.

Recent discoveries. I like beer. Not all beer, but some beers. I enjoy going out with friends to a bar, playing pool, dancing, drinking a few drinks. Not to get drunk (I discovered this is so not my forte) but to hang out and enjoy. (My new game is to let everyone else be drunk and they won't remember me being crazy anyway :) ). I also love motorcycles (I swore I'd never touch them!). I had one ride and I was hooked. I really wish this was something I could share with my husband because I couldn't think of many more romantic things than having my arms wrapped around my man as he's driving the bike, especially in the mountains or out away from the city somewhere. But perhaps sometime I'll get a license and a bike and do this on my own.

So, I'm a non-girly-girl, beer drinking, mountain climbing, motorcycle-riding, car-loving chick with a no-sass attitude. Totally don't fit the box. But I love God and I can fit all those things into living a Godly life. So there. Who am I? I've still got a lifetime to figure it out and I'm not gonna let no fear stand in my way.

wHOA...

I wrote the title with caps lock on, but I think I will keep it that way because it just fits.

I had a really good time tonight. Probably the best time I've had in a long time. It wasn't perfect, but it was distracting and fun! Here's the big indicator--I didn't check facebook on my phone ONCE. Not ONCE. That's a HUGE deal for me. It means I was having a good time and enjoying the company I was with.

My head is kind loopy right now. I don't drink a lot so it doesn't take much to give me a buzz, even on a full stomach. Me and Arlene ate at Jimmy John's downtown before we met up with friends, and I actually applied to work there. We'll see what happens. I'm over-qualified but that doesn't mean much. I'm not even sure I want to take that road again.

Then we met up with Kory and his wife Mandie at Phantom Canyon Brewing Co. Had a beer, played some pool, it was really fun. :) I enjoy getting to know people outside of work. I've been thrilled to make better friends with co-workers lately and especially when Arlene leaves I'll be very thankful for those friends.

After Phanton Canyon we walked to Southside Joe's (who may have double charged me, waiting to find out, grrrrr). Had a good time there... first Irish car bomb (SUPER yums!) and a blue moon (also yummm). That's when I started the current minor headache I have. It takes a while to set in for me though, I didn't really feel the full effects til I was home. The music got crazy loud so we decided to leave especially since we had a bit of a walk back to both vehicles. We got my car then met up with Kory and Mandie once we finally found freakin' parking and then...

KORY TOOK ME FOR A RIDE ON HIS MOTORCYCLE!!!!

Maybe that sounds silly to be excited about but it was the first time for me. And it was AMAZING!!!!

That experience helped me realize further that I feel like I've been living too "safely". There's obviously good guidelines to live within but... I've allowed myself to say things aren't a "good idea" simply because they intimidate me or seem too unsafe. But feeling the wind in my hair and on my face, feeling the rapid acceleration of the bike, and thinking how AWESOME it would be to experience that with someone I love was absolutely intoxicating. I was surprised Kory's wife said she didn't like wrapping her arms around him when she had to ride passenger on the bike. That would totally be romantic and awesome to me, to experience the adrenaline of the ride while being so close to the person I love. I enjoyed it simply with a friend! WOW what an experience.

I think I've made too many "safe" decisions in my life. Choosing what's expected, proper, or "right" even when I could make other choices that aren't any less right but would be far happier for me in the long run. And not necessarily less God-honoring either. I'm just tired of letting fear run my life. I don't know if I'd ever go so far as sky-diving but I think I'm ready to truly LIVE. No fear or trepidation.

The Pain Goes Deep...

5 days.

I've waited for 5 days. And still nothing. Each day my hope lessens and the hurt deepens. So far I've determinedly not given up. Today I'm at the end of my limits and unsure if I'll be able to continue.

Perhaps it's because I'm so tired. I worked over 57 hours this week. My body is worn down and my mind is exhausted. On top of that my heart is emotionally exhausted over this and other things I'm dealing with. I wish for once that'd matter to this person.

I wonder how often God feels this way with me, with humans in general. Seeing us ignore Him, turn our noses up to His signs of affection and proofs of His love. Mourns when He pours out His heart and we can only think about ourselves and what matters to us rather than to Him. It's an interesting perspective to gain for sure. I know God will grow me in that if I don't utterly fail but right now the hurt just goes so deep that it's difficult to care.

I am torn between wanting to stop caring and forget, and between hoping and fervently praying that things improve and the friendship is healed and grows stronger. That conundrum in my head and in my heart causes me daily turmoil. I'm not God; I'm not strong enough on my own to continue to withstand this. I'm doing my best but at times like now I just want to cave in.

But I don't even know what would happen if I did cave in. Would I get more depressed? Would I feel free? I'm not sure. But my heart is fiercely loyal to those I care about, to my own end probably. I'm not capable of just not caring cold-turkey--suddenly ceasing to care. Even if I were to let go of this friendship, it would pain me for a long time. I keep trying to remind myself why I am holding on but the more time that passes the more difficult it is. The memories burn tears into my eyes.

Still I'm trying. Still I'm pressing on. Through the pain, through the tears. God has me here for a reason. I hope another soul will rejoice in heaven because of this. If this is my cross to bear, I'll bear it. I just need God's strength because I can't do it on my own. I'm far too weak.

Learning to Let Go

I've done my best. I've given all I have within me. I've poured out my heart and my soul.

Nothing.

Normally when you love someone, it affects them. It changes them. It certainly changes me, especially when someone shows me love and kindness when I'm showing them the very worst of myself.

But I guess I've hit a rock wall so thick and hard that it's impenetrable. At least by me. A wall only God can break through. I know He's been using me to demonstrate His love and for that I'm eternally thankful.

But I've reached a point of brokenness and broken-hearted-ness. Right now I can't take anymore. Nothing I do to try and show love sinks in. None of it mattes. Because the instant something isn't perfect again, all of the good that's been done goes away.

I no longer know how to reach out to someone who can only think of themselves. I draw a line when the safety of another person is put behind someone's self-interests. That's plain wrong. And it hurts like hell. I give this situation to God, because only His hands are strong enough to heal.

My heart, too, needs healing. It will take time. I feel so incredibly broken. But one thing I won't change. I won't stop loving someone because they are sinful or because they hurt me. I'll be smart enough to give them space and let myself heal before being subjected to this again, but I won't give up. Because God doesn't give up. He pursues us whole-heartedly and with everything He has. But I'm human, and I need to recharge. I need to feel whole again.

My heart breaks writing these words. I'm going to need God's strength to get through each day right now. But I know that God's love wins wars. Maybe not every battle, but the war will be won. So I'll keep on fighting. But now I need to rest.

When is it Too Much?

I'm taking a break from some "therapy cleaning" to vent my thoughts.

I've discovered a few different therapies for stress and heartache this week.

1. Photographing. Sounds obvious, right? It's actually not, considering that photography itself reminds me of parts of why my heart aches.

2. Swimming. I should do this more. Whenever I'm feel particularly worked up I can swim some power laps, wear myself out, and let out my emotions at the same time. not to mention it's good exercise.

3. Cleaning/Organizing. This one shouldn't feel new to me, but it does every time I re-discover it. I've been cleaning like mad this morning. This keeps my mind occupied and my hands busy so I have less time to get lost in whatever is bothering me.

Honestly, I'd rather deal with what's bothering me than find coping mechanisms. But, when the person you need to work something out with refuses to discuss anything, a whole lot gets pent up inside. I let it out however I can--through tears, through prayer, through venting to a caring ear, or through the above mechanisms. But ultimately the problem is still there because it has not been solved.

I still feel like God is calling me down this path. It hurts a lot, but in the end could result in someone's salvation. It could result in a better, stronger, friendship and two better, stronger people. Times like today, and the past few days, I often feel so run down I want to quit. But what good what that do? I think there's too much at stake. I'll make it through because I have the strength of God in my weak human heart.

But at the same time, despite this knowledge and a heart strengthened by God's love, I feel worn out and run down. I don't know how to move forward from here. If I do something, I end up hurt by the apathy returned my way or by harsh words. If I do nothing, I am hurt by continuing to be ignored and by the memories that haunt my mind and heart and by wondering if anything will ever change.

Still, I'm determined to be resilient, patient, and trusting. Some of those traits are what lead me to where I am right now but I know they are still good. God helped me let down my wall and He allowed me to experience pain as a result. But He is God, and He is good, so He must have something really good coming up. I don't know when but I'll keep waiting. He didn't establish this connection in my life for nothing. It's not an accident.

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who know him..."

Romans 8:28

Conviction and Commitment

Yesterday I had an epiphany of sorts.

I was feeling angry. Again. Angry at being treated in a way I thought unfair and at being judged for the attitudes of my heart. Angry at not being listened to and at being pushed away.

A goal of mine recently has been to swallow my anger and try to deal with the situation in love. For me, clinging to anger is easy because it allows me to feel righteous. It reminds me I did nothing wrong and that it's the OTHER person's fault, so screw them.

I feel blessed that lately God has laid much compassion on my heart. Despite the depth of hurt I have experienced recently, His power in me has remained stronger. By the grace of God I've been able to swallow my anger, hurt and pride in most cases and demonstrate love. His love. Unconditional love. (I'm not giving myself praise here--this is the power of GOD working in me alone. I'm not capable).

"Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests but also to the interests of others." -Philippians 2:3-4

Yesterday, a thought entered my head:

"what kind of person am I, if I'm so focused on things I see someone else do that hurt me, rather than being willing to see where *I* need to grow and change? Who can I change--myself, or others?"

Deep....right?!

It's so easy to focus on what someone else is doing to hurt me. It's much more difficult to see past the raging beast to the beating heart inside, and all the more difficult to love that heart tenderly through the pain in your own heart. That's what God is teaching me lately. It's really profound. I'm understanding His love so much more when I'm giving unconditional love to another person.

At the same time, I've never experienced so much emotional pain. The pain runs deep... when you love someone through their ugliness and they refuse to love you through your own. When they refuse to talk, refuse to truly forgive, refuse to care, refuse to see your love for them. It hurts somethin' fierce.

But the second piece of the lesson for me comes through that pain--God loves us through the pain we constantly inflict in every sin we commit. Jesus paid for it all. He felt every sting. That's unfathomable to me. But I know the hurt I feel and I know how deep and profound it is... so magnify that countless times and that's God's heart.

My goal now is to resolutely love through the pain and to give all I have if it means demonstrating the unconditional love of God to another. People are hurting, people are lost. People don't understand what it's like to be loved by someone who will never leave. People don't understand why someone doesn't get angry when they are hurt--or rather, why they don't react to the anger they feel.

It's only by the grace of God.

Ramblings.

What a day.

What a week.

I could go on with that, but I won't. It'd be supremely annoying.

I've not been so talented at blogging thus far but maybe a renewed commitment to honesty will help. I find the more passionate my heart behind my words, the more authentic they are--and the more interesting to read.

Today has differed from the recent norm, and although this has brought a measure of difficulty it has brought an equal portion of inspiration. Not so much in all of my most recent passions, but in other "stuff". Good "stuff". I think. I hope.

In light of leaving my job at Jimmy John's, I've taken a stand to delve deeper into photography as art. No longer just take-a-thousand-photos-and-hope-one-is-good photography, but COMMITTED photography. PASSIONATE photography. Stepping outside the norm to look for something n

ew and different that sets me on fire.

Ha-ha, some may think, who follow my "daily photo(s)" album on Facebook. "You're sure taken a lot of pictures of YOU!" Why yes, yes I have. Who cares? I can be my own subject. AND it will help me with an

other problem I'm set on overcoming NOW.

Fear.

I have some choice words for fear because it's ruled my life long enough.

It's lead to ruined or damaged relationships. It's lead to poor decisions made. It's lead to missed opportunities. It's lead to the constant breaking of my heart. NO MORE!

Part of the reason I chose to buy a bright orange car after I was rear-ended in March was to build my c

onfidence. Part of the reason I've decided to no longer fear the self-portrait is to build my confidence. See myself as who I really am and who God made me to be and no longer be ashamed. If people don't like who I am, whatever. Their problem. Of course, I'm always striving to be a better person. But some people's opinions just don't change and just don't matter.

These decisions don't solve all the problems I'm facing in my life. Even the ones I'm facing today, right now. But they will probably do me good in the long run. I'm no longer going to live a confined life. I am going to live an adventure-ful life. Camera in tow and whoever wants to join.

With Great Power...

"But you will receive power when the holy spirit comes upon you..."

Acts 1:8

Recently Jason convinced me to watch the Spiderman movies. Much to my initial chagrin, but I enjoyed them despite the rampant cheesy-ness. :) A common theme prevails in the Spiderman story: "With great power comes great responsibility." Peter Parker constantly feels the need to sacrifice his own desires for the needs of people around him, because of the great power that has been bestowed upon him.

Recently I have realized that I, as a Christ follower, have a similar responsibility. If I truly belong to the Lord, then I have his holy spirit living inside of me.

"Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the holy spirit, who is in you, who you have received from God?"

1 Corinthians 6:19

The holy spirit is God living in me. That's POWER. And how do I live my life, with such great power residing in me? Well, I guess the better question is how SHOULD I be living my life with such great power residing in me. :) It hit me this morning how I have a huge responsibility. My every word and action is a testament to He who is in me, He who made me, He who saved me. I have a responsibility to honor Him in my words and actions--and even in my thoughts.

""Who can hide in secret places so that I cannot see them? Declares the Lord. "Do I not fill heaven and earth?" Declares the Lord."

Jeremiah 23:24

I can see this as a burden, or as a blessing. When I'm in sin, it sure feels like a burden. But then there is forgiveness. God calls us to perfection even though He knows we cannot attain it until He returns to establish His kingdom for eternity. And because of that He let Jesus die and pay the penalty for the times I mess up. Thank God! Because I mess up a lot.

What I've noticed recently though, is that when God is using me (He began using me again when my heart was truly willing), I find joy in being a light for Him. I find joy in being refined even by great fires and becoming a better, stronger, healthier Christ follower as a result. And that bleeds into every aspect of my life. It feels me with joy despite grievous circumstances or difficult trials. God's given me His Word so that I know what's right and wrong in His eyes and He even bailed me out of the punishments of screwing up, before I was even born to make a mistake. ("for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God..." Romans 3:23) That's love. That's grace.

And THAT is what I need to demonstrate in my life toward others.

"One of them, an expert in the law, tested him with this question: "Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?"

Jesus replied, "'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. ' This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'"

Matthew 22:35-39

If I'm following those two commandments, then I'm living my life as God intends and it will glorify Him. These commandments summarize so much of the scriptures and "rules" God wants us to live by (for our own good). With great power comes great responsibility. And with that power living in me I feel up to the challenge.

Moving Backwards

Often times people think of moving backwards as a bad thing. Recently, I've been trying to move "backwards" in positive ways! I want to lessen distractions in my life and "simplify". I think these are the Footsteps that God wants me to follow right now, because ultimately it leads to a better focus on Him.

What are some steps on that journey?

They involve all different aspects of my life: emotional, mental, physical, and spiritual.

One thing I have been learning lately is how to cook on my own. I've learned to bake my own bread, make my own cheese sauce (and thus homemade mac n cheese!), and a lot of other cooking that I never thought I could do! Jason and I eat out SO much less, which is so much better for our health! The fact that we are losing weight is quite motivational in the process as well. :) This improves my life:

1. physically, because I am putting better things into my body and also losing weight

2. mentally because there is tremendous reward in enjoying the fruits of my labor!

3. emotionally: I enjoy learning new things and succeeding at them (even if it's not right away!)

4. spiritually: because by providing healthy meals and food for my husband I am obeying God's commands for wives by providing food for my family.

Another thing I have been trying to do is cut back my dependence on technology. I find that in my "idle" moments I'm often tempted to fill my time by browsing on Facebook, surfing the internet for interesting articles (which CAN be a good thing), turn on the TV for a show or a movie... on occasion I'm tempted to do something good like read, but at the same time I look around my small home and notice how easily it gets cluttered. How many things need doing. And sometimes that makes me want to watch a movie MORE, because it is overwhelming. More and more though I remember the Lord's words in Proverbs 31:27, "She watches over the affairs of her household, and does not eat the bread of idleness." Those are convicting words. It's TOUGH, as a wife, to fulfill my duty to my husband and home by keeping it clean and good food on the table AND work 2 jobs. Jason helps where he can but he works much more than I do. And so I need to let myself be stretchable and trust that the Lord will make me sufficient by His grace. And in the end, there are few better things than sitting down to relax with a snack and a good book after a few hours cleaning up the apartment!
This improves my life:

1. physically: I get exercise while I am up and about getting things done! Much more than being a couch potato!

2. mentally: It's stimulating to be up doing things rather than a couch potato. My mind feels more fresh and I don't get as many headaches!

3. emotionally: again being up moving around keeps my mind busy and keeps my mind from wandering to subjects which only bring me down.

4. spiritually: again I'm directly obeying one of God's commands by keeping my home a safehaven for my family!

Future goals for providing for my family, saving money, and leading a happier, healthier, more God-focused lifestyle include:

growing my own garden

keeping a steady monthly budget

getting rid of debts

learning new skills such as changing the oil in a car

Spending more REGULAR time getting to know the Lord.

...and anything else I can think of. :)

Photo Challenge-Day 4

Day 4 - A picture of your favourite night

This wasn't technically a night but it was getting near sunset so... .:) it was just a fun date :)

Photo Challenge-Day 3

Day 3 - A picture of the cast of your favourite show

Very, very tough! I do so love a lot of shows. :) I still think my top favorite is....

Followed closely by 2 other shows, the first an older favorite and the second I've only been

recently introduced to and love:

Photo Challenge-Day 2

Day 2 - a photo of you and the person you have been closest to the longest

This is me and one of my closest friends, Melva! She's like a sister to me. we've known each other for about 11 years now, and no matter how long it is between being apart or together we always have a good time. :)

Photo Challenge

My friend and future sister Bekah has been doing the photo challenge so I decided to do it too. :) It seems fun and insightful. I'll probably end up missing days since I'm planning my wedding among a million other things but I'll try to do my best. :D

Day 1 - a photo of you and 10 facts

1. I'd just gotten my hair cut when this picture was taken in 2009.

2. The first three guys I dated were all born in July 1985. No, that wasn't intentional.

3. I love cheeseburgers and fries.

4. I'm attempting to be a distance runner. Jury is still out on the success of this venture.

5. I speak Czech best of all the languages I've attempted learning.

6. Speaking of Czech, I've spent about 6 cumulative months in that country and can't wait to go back.

7. I'm empathetic to a fault. I easily take on the emotions and attitudes of those around me--or even in a book I'm reading or a movie I'm watching.

8. I got my degree in music education, but despite my enjoyment of teaching kids, I'd rather pursue my own photography business.

9. My heart is forever torn between California and Colorado. I love the snowy mountains and mountain fresh air here in Colorado but I also love breathing deeply the perfect humidity of southern California, its flowery scents, and being at the beach on a warm day.

10. My beta fish, Hibiscus, is old. Really old, for a beta. He's just passing 5 years in age--meaning 5 years since he came to live with me, which means he's older than that. He should've died about 3 years ago. He will probably finally die when I finally clean his tank. :P

The Masquerade

Yesterday, I was reminiscing about a lot of things. Particularly some hard times I've experienced in the past few years, and the sin that happened in those times. It hurt my heart to remember those times of sin, and led me to send up some more apologies and remorse to the Lord, who has thankfully forgiven me of those sins.

On my way home from work, the song "Stained Glass Masquerade" by Casting Crowns came on. (On my playlist, because most radio stations won't play it! ) This song resonates profoundly with my heart, as Jason and I left a church we used to love this past year because of the lack of Christ-like love and an excess of misplaced judgment. I thought about what those people (many of them, anyway), and even people I call friends now who do not know about some of my past sins, would think of me, if they'd still love me, if they'd cast me out of their lives. Sadly, I believe some of them would.

Few people know about some of those sins, and truth be told only one of them was truly judgmental and condemning of it. Thankfully that person is no longer a part of my life. But I fear others might follow in his footsteps.

"...would it set me free

if I dared to let you see

the truth behind the person

that you imagine me to be

would your arms be open

or would you walk away?

or would the love of Jesus

be enough to make you stay?"

I hope that when we find a new church family we'll find people who are authentic. People who are open. People who are loving. People who don't judge without seeking the truth first. There are sins in my past that still hurt me to remember. Sins that I'm afraid to confess to any but the most trusted and closest of friends. (Thank the Lord my fiance is among them).

"Is there anyone that fails?

Is there anyone that falls?

Am I the only one in church today

feeling so small?

Cause when I take a look around

everybody seems so strong

I know they'll soon discover

that I don't belong....

So I tuck it all away

like everything's okay

if I make 'em all believe it

maybe I'll believe it too...

so with a painted grin

I'll play the part again

so everyone will see me

the way that I see them!"

I want to be real... authentic me, the good bad and ugly... I wish there were more believers I could open up to genuinely, who would understand and be there without so much judgment. Especially post-repentance. That'd be nice.

Yummy food!!! - Salmon Salad Etc.

Today I made a delicious recipe I found online (http://www.bhg.com/recipes/mealideas/view.jsp?id=2700003).

The link, unfortunately, does not help with how to put it together, so I just mixed up all the ingredients together since that's basically what you do with tuna salad.

Salmon salad tastes better, much better, in my opinion. I'm not sure how to describe the difference but it is amazing! And good for you! This requires much less mayo than I'm accustomed to in tuna salad, which makes it a lot healthier as well. It has green onions (I was a little short), celery, pickles, and dill as well. Yum!!!

On the side I did two of their recommendations, a bowl of black olives and some wheat english muffins with dill butter.

The dill butter is easy, just mix up some dill with softened butter. It tastes great!

This meal would be a delicious one for the summertime especially-very refreshing. It's not too heavy but it filled me up nicely.

Wedding Bells!

Nope, this time they aren't mine! Today I got to see my friends Charlton and Naomi get married! :) We all met in college, and I haven't gotten to see them in a couple of years. Just to be around them for their ceremony and reception for 4 hours today was such a blessing. I've learned so much from these two, whether we were hanging out together or from watching their lives from a distance (thanks, Facebook).

These two remind me of what it means to live joyfully and genuinely for the Lord. They love others (and each other :) ) without hypocrisy. It doesn't matter what's happened before or what's happening now, you'll be greeted with real joy and love! I remember Charlton always popping up out of his chair to give me a big hug, smiling and laughing in his joy at seeing me again. I saw this in his treatment of others, too. Naomi was always there for me too. She was my running buddy for a while, and someone I could always count on. :)

I've pretty much known for years they'd end up together, and so glad they did. :) They are truly a match made in heaven and there's much to be learned from them. God is working so much in their lives! And now they're joined as one and will be a powerful voice for the Lord! These two are so in love with Jesus and exhibit this in their everyday lives and relationships. Yet they also know how to experience life to the fullest, with laughter, smiles and joy. :) It's so infectious.

Congratulations Naomi and Charlton! Thank you for inviting me to be a part of your special day!

Goals

In my last post I wrote out two goals that I hope to achieve in the near future:

1. no more than 2 hours per day on my computer and

2. exercising 5 days per week.

So far, I'm doing alright, making progress.

For #1, it's tough right now as I'm constantly dealing with wedding planning via email or website. But I'm trying to cut back more and more on time I just spend "dinking around" on the computer, and put my efforts into more important things--taking care of my house and chores, playing with my cat, spending time with God. Things that I think will help me be a better wife, too. :)

For #2, definitely close! My work schedule makes it very difficult to get to 5 days per week. Last week was my first week really starting out because I'd been sick--this week so far I exercised Sunday, Monday and Tuesday! Tomorrow is an off day, mostly due to a long, 2-job work day. Thursday is on, Friday will be off for the same reasons as Weds. So if I do Thurs and Sat, my goal for the week will be achieved. :) Yay!

To be honest #2 feels like my main focus right now. I hate looking at the scale... I am apparently more heavy and overweight than I look. I'm thankful that I hold my weight well. I don't look fat or even out of shape, really. (I've always had big hips.) But I want to drop that weight and be and feel healthier. Every time I get out and walk/jog, it helps!

I've also been slowly working on another goal--eating more meals at home and cooking healthy meals. I cooked a delicious fish recipe tonight! Reminded me of schnitzel because the fish is breaded, but it's a bit healthier because it uses a dressing mix and vegetable oil instead of egg and flour. If it weren't for the dressing mix the fish would've been quite bland. I added whole wheat angel hair, tomato sauce, and steamed broccoli to balance things out, and it was delicious! Jason loved it too, which always says something. :) It's super fun finding easy and delicious recipes to cook. Arms me with much more to work with once we are married!

So I'm adding my third and fourth goals now.

#3. Cook a healthy meal at home 3-4 nights per week (eating leftovers for at least 2 of the other days). I want to make it 6 nights per week eating at home once we are married. I know that won't always work but the goal is to do this MOST of the time.

#4. Spend 30 minutes reading each day. Reading is relaxing and stimulating all at once. It's good for me. This is in addition to quiet time with the Lord; book is my choice, be it fiction or non-fiction. Right now I'm re-reading for the umpteenth time A Woman After God's Own Heart, a very encouraging book my friend Becky gave me a long time ago. It sure helps me focus on areas to grow in as a believer and as a (future) wife.

God is good--He's helping me grow and change. He's helping me with these exterior changes to my life as well as working on my heart. I love when He does that.

Wonder

As I was taking my walk today, I was observing lots of things around me. I definitely noted the crisp air as I breathed it in and felt it cool my skin. I noticed the different designs of houses in my neighborhood, and noted which ones looked nice and which were run down. I noted the parents walking their kids home from school, or the ones who walked alone. I noted that most people I passed avoided eye contact. I noted a teenager standing behind a shed in a backyard, texting on his phone. I noted younger kids playing outside in the same backyard. I noted the noise coming from many passing cars and people.

All of this made me think about the world God created for us. Some of the things I noted made me smile. They reminded me what a wonderful world I get to live in right now. Other things made me realize how often I, and others, forget to experience "wonder".

I notice in life how distracted I get with technology in particular. I can't knock on technology--I love it. I love being able to instantly contact people via the internet or texting. I love being able to receive news of important events quickly. I love the entertainment TV and movies provide. I am thankful for the benefits of technologies in the medical field, and for cars that can get me where I need to go much more quickly than past means of transportation.

When I take the time to do something "different", like go for a walk, I realize that things like that shouldn't be "different". They should be the norm. There are things I see and observe and experience in this world that simply make me smile, give me joy, point my heart and mind toward my Creator, and bring a breath of relief into my life.

Breathing fresh mountain air. Sitting and watching a sunrise, sunset, or viewing the stars. Watching antelope out on the plains, or deer in the forest. Sitting by a stream and listening to it's bubbling sound-so refreshing. Sitting and reading a book with relaxing music playing in the background. Finding a new recipe to shop for ingredients and cook for Jason. Marveling at simple (yet extravagant!) wonders such as the fact that I can decide to make my legs move (a particular thought from my walk today that just astounded me :) ). Sitting on a beach, watching the waves. Going whale watching (haven't gone, but really want to!). Watching the patterns of falling snowflakes as I sip hot cocoa while wrapped in a blanket.

These and so much more are things I want to enjoy (or learn to enjoy) now, and teach my family to enjoy later. I want to reduce the importance of technology in my life in healthy ways. I don't want to rely on TV, video games, computers, the internet, or my phone to be entertained. Oftentimes I wish life were simpler again-perhaps this is why I enjoy historical movies. I would not want to lose the benefits technology has provided, but for myself personally, I no longer want to rely on technology in ways that are unnecessary, maybe even harmful to me in the long run--physically, emotionally, spiritually.

This all probably came to mind since I did once of our marriage counseling exercises yesterday-a personal stress evaluator or something like that. I had an outline to fill out of how often I did certain things each week, ranging from work to friends to family to chores to hobbies. It was interesting to estimate how I divide my time and overall I noticed I want to spend less time on technology and more time on other healthier pursuits like cooking at home and exercise and reading.

In the long run, I know I struggle with thinking my life will count for something if I am well-educated, if I treat people a certain way, have a certain personality, live at a certain social standard. But when I really think and remember the life the Lord calls me to live, I know that all these things in the long run won't matter. The biggest reason I want to live a life of wonder is so that I can experience God to the fullest while I am here, and have even more to worship and praise Him for. I want my kids to know the Lord and how awesome He is and see me living in that way. It feels like a big challenge but I think it will be worth the effort.

I think 2 goals I am going to focus on for now are limiting my computer time to no more than 2 cumulative hours per day, and exercising 5 days per week. That's a lot for me right now, as I'm also handling 2 jobs and planning a wedding, but I think it's do-able. Who knows, maybe I'll even find myself more energized for all I have to do, and having more time to do it! :)

A Possibly Supernatural Lesson from a Loved One Lost

Today, January 21st, 2011, we buried my father-in-law. (for the purposes of this article he is my father-in-law although that will not be official for a few more months.) It was not easy to see his picture next to a container that I knew held his ashes. Just a little over a week ago, he was with us, talking with us. I could squeeze his hand or give him a hug. I could hear his soft voice and see the life in his eyes. Now that is all a memory. A precious memory.

Since Curt passed away, I've resisted the urge to sometimes ask God, "Could you please let me talk with Curt somehow? I miss his voice and I want his reassurances. I want to know he is okay and I want to ask him so many questions."

Today something very special happened to me. God answered a prayer that I never prayed. (Further proof that He knows our hearts and minds whether we pray or not.)

I did not hear Curt's voice directly. An apparition did not appear before me and communicate with me. But when Curt and Darla's former youth pastor gave the message today at Curt's graveside service, I knew without a doubt that I was hearing the same basic message that I think Curt would want me to know if he was still around to tell me in person.

The pastor, Rick I believe, recounted about the early days of knowing Curt, when he first came to the youth group at Sunkist Baptist Church in Anaheim, California. He discussed how Curt came to realize he had some weaknesses, and how he was determined to change those weaknesses. He told of how Curt beat those weaknesses as well as learned how to rest in the Lord even more than Rick himself knew how at the time.

Over the past weeks I have learned that Curt and I had quite a bit in common, for not knowing each other well yet. But today I learned that our similarities go much deeper than just sharing pineapple as a favorite fruit. Those same weaknesses that Rick mentioned about Curt describe me to a tee. It sounded like Rick was describing me as he spoke. Struggles with fear, confidence, and being controlled by emotions. That's me. And that is how Curt used to be.

This was significant to me in a couple of ways.

The first is that, for me, it explains why he was so loving, caring and gentle with me. I know he had to have seen my flaws and I expected he might think I wasn't good enough to date his son. But he was the family member I felt closest to the fastest, despite the fact that we didn't talk a lot in person. (We probably did more than I remember, and I hate that those memories are so unclear now that he is gone.) But throughout the time I knew him, I felt a special acceptance and understanding from Curt that I couldn't explain. I knew he cared about me, and he treated me as if I was his own daughter. Now, I believe that those things are still true, but I understand that he probably recognized a lot of himself in me. I think that brought us closer, without me ever realizing why.

The second reason these similarities are significant to me, is that as he probably recognized that I struggled with the same weaknesses he had, he has still taught me how to overcome those weaknesses even though he isn't even hear to tell me with his voice. I can't explain it. Maybe it is just a coincidence. But even if it is, it is a very special coincidence for me. And I believe it will have a significant impact in my life from now on.

I will pray the simple prayer that Curt learned to pray. I will learn the lessons he learned and I hope my life will make an impact, as his did. He continues to have an impact on my life even though he is no longer here to share in it directly. God's hand is at work here.

Hear my cry, O God;
listen to my prayer.

From the ends of the earth I call to you,
I call as my heart grows faint;
lead me to the rock that is higher than I.

Psalm 61:1-2

I love and miss you, Curt. Thank you, Lord, for allowing my father-in-law and kindred spirit to teach me even now.