I wrote this poem late last night when I was extremely tired and feeling overly emotional. I was dealing with disappointment in myself, relief in the face of forgiveness, and trying desperately hard not to worry about anything.
It began as being about how I was treating a particular person (this person will know who they are), and quickly turned into more of a prayer, praise the Lord. I love how He always brings our focus back to Himself, ultimately.
Love is patient, love is kind
I wish I were to you.
It does not boast and is not proud
I hope these will be true.
Love is not rude or selfish
But I am often so.
Love keeps no record of any wrongs
Oh, Lord, I need to grow.
Love rejoices not in evil but in truth
How joyous this can be.
Love always hopes and perseveres
Oh, from worry, to be so free!
True love, oh Lord, never fails
You've made it to be so.
I pray only your genuine love
will evermore from me flow.
Thank you, my friend.
Sunday, March 25, 2007
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
Failing
Some days I just can't find in me the strength even to turn to the Lord and be healed. I don't understand.
This is one of those random, not-often-occurring evenings where nothing seems to be going right for no real explicable reason. I simply feel overwhelmed and depressed due to school, relationships, and even, especially, my relationship with the Lord. I feel that I am failing in all of those areas.
I can't find the motivation to work hard in school and care about it.
I can't seem to give my relationships over to the Lord and trust Him with them, and I can't just be a normal human being with people. I don't know how to be me. I'm not sure I understand right now who I am.
I can't seem to spend quality prayer time with the Lord the last couple of weeks, can't make the time to meditate on His word, can't let my life be an example of His love.
I'm not even trying to lean on myself as opposed to the Lord. I'm not relying on myself to do things. But nothing seems to be going right. I feel like such a miserable failure. I know it will pass.
Even though I feel that I am in darkness now I know somehow and not too far away is the time when my Jesus will have pulled me from the shadows into his loving arms of grace once again.
This is one of those random, not-often-occurring evenings where nothing seems to be going right for no real explicable reason. I simply feel overwhelmed and depressed due to school, relationships, and even, especially, my relationship with the Lord. I feel that I am failing in all of those areas.
I can't find the motivation to work hard in school and care about it.
I can't seem to give my relationships over to the Lord and trust Him with them, and I can't just be a normal human being with people. I don't know how to be me. I'm not sure I understand right now who I am.
I can't seem to spend quality prayer time with the Lord the last couple of weeks, can't make the time to meditate on His word, can't let my life be an example of His love.
I'm not even trying to lean on myself as opposed to the Lord. I'm not relying on myself to do things. But nothing seems to be going right. I feel like such a miserable failure. I know it will pass.
Even though I feel that I am in darkness now I know somehow and not too far away is the time when my Jesus will have pulled me from the shadows into his loving arms of grace once again.
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
Psalm 25:3-12, 14-15
I've lately been struggling with giving something over to the Lord that I hold dear to my heart. Which, in a spiritual sense, is completely contradictory--why wouldn't I want to give something precious into the Lord's hands, when it is in His able hands that this thing would be most safe in? In a human sense it's completely natural. That part of me would never trust anyone else with it. But since 2 Corinthians 5:17 says that I am a new creation, the old is gone and the new has come, I must give this thing over.
And I know the results will be astounding and beyond what I can now comprehend. :)
I write Bible verses on notecards and hang them above my desk. As I was thinking about giving this thing over to the Lord last night my eyes fell upon the notecard with Psalm 25:3-12, 14-15 on it. That really spoke to me.
No one whose hope is in you will ever be put to shame, but they will bye put to shame who are treacherous without excuse.
Show me your ways, I Lord, teach me your paths; guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my savior, and my hope is in you all day long.
Remember, I Lord, your great mercy and love, for they are from of old.
Remember not the sins of my youth and my rebellious ways; according to your love remember me, for you are good, I Lord.
Good and upright is the Lord; therefore he instructs sinners in his ways.
He guides the humble in what is right and teaches them his way.
All the ways of the Lord are loving and faithful for those who keep the demands of his covenant.
For the sake of your name, I Lord, forgive my iniquity, though it is great. Who then, is the man that fears the Lord? He will instruct him in the way chosen for him.
The Lord confides in those who fear him; he makes his covenant known to them.
My eyes are ever on the Lord, for only he will release my feet from the snare.
This is my cry to my Lord.... and my heart cries out with my own words in response.
My feet tread lightly on the path
I breathe in deep your sweet, sweet scent.
My God, you've brought me to this place
By grace we here have met.
Yet a soft heaviness is on my heart
Which tugs me threateningly from your grasp.
Can I give my heart's desire to you
And only to your will now clasp?
I look at me and see only stains
The blackness of my soul.
Yet you look at me and see purity
A white garment--you have made my whole.
So can I give into your mighty hand
That which I hold so dear?
If I place my hope in you alone,
I know I will have nothing to fear.
Release my feet, Lord, from this snare
That I may be free and trust in you
May my eyes be ever on you alone,
My life be marked only by what is true.
Instruct this sinner in your ways
Give your gentle, loving reprimand,
I will win this battle because I'm not alone
My heart's desire is in your mighty hand.
So my feet tread lightly upon the path
Still I breathe in your sweet, sweet scent.
You're by my side the whole day through
It's by your grace we here have met.
And I know the results will be astounding and beyond what I can now comprehend. :)
I write Bible verses on notecards and hang them above my desk. As I was thinking about giving this thing over to the Lord last night my eyes fell upon the notecard with Psalm 25:3-12, 14-15 on it. That really spoke to me.
No one whose hope is in you will ever be put to shame, but they will bye put to shame who are treacherous without excuse.
Show me your ways, I Lord, teach me your paths; guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my savior, and my hope is in you all day long.
Remember, I Lord, your great mercy and love, for they are from of old.
Remember not the sins of my youth and my rebellious ways; according to your love remember me, for you are good, I Lord.
Good and upright is the Lord; therefore he instructs sinners in his ways.
He guides the humble in what is right and teaches them his way.
All the ways of the Lord are loving and faithful for those who keep the demands of his covenant.
For the sake of your name, I Lord, forgive my iniquity, though it is great. Who then, is the man that fears the Lord? He will instruct him in the way chosen for him.
The Lord confides in those who fear him; he makes his covenant known to them.
My eyes are ever on the Lord, for only he will release my feet from the snare.
This is my cry to my Lord.... and my heart cries out with my own words in response.
My feet tread lightly on the path
I breathe in deep your sweet, sweet scent.
My God, you've brought me to this place
By grace we here have met.
Yet a soft heaviness is on my heart
Which tugs me threateningly from your grasp.
Can I give my heart's desire to you
And only to your will now clasp?
I look at me and see only stains
The blackness of my soul.
Yet you look at me and see purity
A white garment--you have made my whole.
So can I give into your mighty hand
That which I hold so dear?
If I place my hope in you alone,
I know I will have nothing to fear.
Release my feet, Lord, from this snare
That I may be free and trust in you
May my eyes be ever on you alone,
My life be marked only by what is true.
Instruct this sinner in your ways
Give your gentle, loving reprimand,
I will win this battle because I'm not alone
My heart's desire is in your mighty hand.
So my feet tread lightly upon the path
Still I breathe in your sweet, sweet scent.
You're by my side the whole day through
It's by your grace we here have met.
Sunday, March 4, 2007
Lacking in Motivation...
Well, in the past few years I have been relatively motivated in school. I have had little trouble keeping my grades up, however busy I have been - which I restricted for that very purpose! It used to be that I had to find the motivation to study God's word, to pray, to purposefully spend time with my Lord and build a solid relationship with Him.
Now the tables have turned somewhat... I am currently at Morgan Library. I have been here for probably an hour and a half and have probably contributed about fifteen minutes towards my research paper proposal which is due tomorrow. Woohoo. :) I have spent the time scanning in some more high school pictures for a project, coming up with some ideas to encourage people, and writing in my journal. That time was good, reflecting on the Lord and how He's working in my life. Now if ONLY I could find the motivation to finish my homework!
Please pray for me as I try to live out Colossians 3:23 in my life.
"Work willingly at whatever you do, as though working for the Lord rather than for people." (NLT)
I know that my degree will be an amazing tool, potentially, for missions in many ways, and I know that working with all my heart even at school work can bring Him glory - show that I am devoted to doing my best at whatever He brings my way.
Please pray also for upcoming missions opportunities - possibly a two-week trip to the Czech Republic in July-August with Mountain View (my Fort Collins church), a possible future trip to Kenya, as well as the idea Ryan Seal has of taking a trip to Peru (to visit good ole Kyle Thayer!) with a group from Black Forest Chapel to do short term missions there next summer. Please pray for direction for those trips and that the currently unofficial ones (Kenya and Peru) will come together smoothly if the Lord wills.
Now the tables have turned somewhat... I am currently at Morgan Library. I have been here for probably an hour and a half and have probably contributed about fifteen minutes towards my research paper proposal which is due tomorrow. Woohoo. :) I have spent the time scanning in some more high school pictures for a project, coming up with some ideas to encourage people, and writing in my journal. That time was good, reflecting on the Lord and how He's working in my life. Now if ONLY I could find the motivation to finish my homework!
Please pray for me as I try to live out Colossians 3:23 in my life.
"Work willingly at whatever you do, as though working for the Lord rather than for people." (NLT)
I know that my degree will be an amazing tool, potentially, for missions in many ways, and I know that working with all my heart even at school work can bring Him glory - show that I am devoted to doing my best at whatever He brings my way.
Please pray also for upcoming missions opportunities - possibly a two-week trip to the Czech Republic in July-August with Mountain View (my Fort Collins church), a possible future trip to Kenya, as well as the idea Ryan Seal has of taking a trip to Peru (to visit good ole Kyle Thayer!) with a group from Black Forest Chapel to do short term missions there next summer. Please pray for direction for those trips and that the currently unofficial ones (Kenya and Peru) will come together smoothly if the Lord wills.
Thursday, March 1, 2007
My Testimony
Today, after having known the Lord for basically 4-4 1/2 years, I finally can say I have a true testimony.
For the past couple of years, when thinking about my testimony, I have felt that I don't really have any sort of exciting story. I still don't in comparison to some... but today I had the "privilege" of reliving my junior year of high school (through my still-existent livejournal!), the year I came to know the Lord. It was quite a painful experience.
I went into my junior year having just lost my mother but feeling quite happy considering. I started the year joyfully with new friends and a new confidence, especially as drum major for my high school band. Quickly, God brought someone into my life to turn it upside down.
God used a dear friend, on whom I had a crush, to draw me to him eventually. But at the time I was just excited to hang out with this friend who seemed to be enjoying my company as well. Soon he invited me to his church youth group. Around this time my journal entries are so incredibly up and down... I'm depressed one minute and elated the next. In a few instances I wrote about how I did not want to discuss religion with anyone because I was tired of being disagreed with and told my beliefs were wrong.
As my friendship with this person grew (and became in many ways more than friendship), I can now see how God was working in my life. I was so dependent on people to be happy, I wanted MY needs met, I wanted people to like me and accept me. I depended on my new friend for so much of that... I must have absolutely drained him. It's a miracle he is still in my life at all. But as the time progresses in my old journal... I see the Lord first using people (first my new friend and then many people I met at my new church) to reach out to me and love me.
Once people were established in my life, God's word seems to take a much greater hold. As the year progresses, scripture appears more and more into my entries. And becomes more meaningful. At first I often just used scripture to convince myself that my deep relationship with this person was in God's will, but God slowly changed that in my heart and I began to see it for what it really is! I still struggled constantly with my growth, though.... my beliefs slowly began to change and I stopped going to Catholic Church shortly after I was confirmed that spring.
My dear friend was always focusing our conversation on the Lord. At the time I was probably annoyed because I wanted to talk about US. That was probably the most important thing in my life - no wonder the Lord took that away. I can still feel the same joys and pains as I re-read those entries, especially knowing what's about to happen. But even as I am dealing with immense changes - close friends leaving for college and my own graduation, not to mention the all-but-loss of such a valuable relationship in my life - my dependence turns to the Lord. Not entirely but I cried out to him! And He heard me.
My senior year was when I really started turning to Him. I found more new friends in unexpected places (no matter what, the Lord had you in my life for a reason, Nathan!) and began to apply the truth of the Word in my life more and more. I was still so far from completion (I still am!) but the Lord certainly was growing me.
The rest of my testimony is undocumented on livejournal but exists in my memory and handwritten journals. I grew a lot in a short amount of time for a while, and when I left for college I plateaued considerably, for quite a while. I had a passion for some of the lost people in my life but the stresses of school soon caught up with me, and my life became about me more than the Lord, though I still spent time with Him and with Godly people.
I did grow gradually over the first 2 years of college. Then, in October of 2006, the Lord began calling me to major life growth and change. I was ready, however apprehensive - I knew such growth would cause pain! But for the first time in my life I felt ready to accept whatever pain the Lord might bring if it meant becoming closer to Him and more like Jesus! First the Lord took away my nearly 3-year long relationship with Nathan. Not a tear was shed, praise the Lord! He is and always will be a dear friend, and He taught me much about the Lord and myself. Our relationship was a very positive presence in my life overall.
This past 5-6 months so many changes have piled up in my life and it's been so incredibly overwhelming. I felt so many things culminate today in realizing how far the Lord has brought me from where I was four years ago. But I also realized there are some things that haven't changed nearly enough. There are so many things I still need the Lord's help with before I graduate, before I can go into the world and make disciples (another amazing heart change! :) ).
The Lord saved me when I was on a path of self-destruction from depression and dependence on things and people in this world. He caught me up in His precious Hand and took ahold of my heart... He used amazing people and circumstances and His WORD to draw my heart to His. The Lord saved such a wretch as me simply because He wanted to. I did NOTHING to deserve it. I am so thankful... so incredibly thankful. I am humbled by what the Lord has shown me today. I am filled with joys and regrets. Yet another strong desire to change. I want to grow in my precious Savior.
Proverbs 17:27 starts out with, "A wise man uses few words..." oops, guess I violated that one in this instance. Praise the Lord. :)
For the past couple of years, when thinking about my testimony, I have felt that I don't really have any sort of exciting story. I still don't in comparison to some... but today I had the "privilege" of reliving my junior year of high school (through my still-existent livejournal!), the year I came to know the Lord. It was quite a painful experience.
I went into my junior year having just lost my mother but feeling quite happy considering. I started the year joyfully with new friends and a new confidence, especially as drum major for my high school band. Quickly, God brought someone into my life to turn it upside down.
God used a dear friend, on whom I had a crush, to draw me to him eventually. But at the time I was just excited to hang out with this friend who seemed to be enjoying my company as well. Soon he invited me to his church youth group. Around this time my journal entries are so incredibly up and down... I'm depressed one minute and elated the next. In a few instances I wrote about how I did not want to discuss religion with anyone because I was tired of being disagreed with and told my beliefs were wrong.
As my friendship with this person grew (and became in many ways more than friendship), I can now see how God was working in my life. I was so dependent on people to be happy, I wanted MY needs met, I wanted people to like me and accept me. I depended on my new friend for so much of that... I must have absolutely drained him. It's a miracle he is still in my life at all. But as the time progresses in my old journal... I see the Lord first using people (first my new friend and then many people I met at my new church) to reach out to me and love me.
Once people were established in my life, God's word seems to take a much greater hold. As the year progresses, scripture appears more and more into my entries. And becomes more meaningful. At first I often just used scripture to convince myself that my deep relationship with this person was in God's will, but God slowly changed that in my heart and I began to see it for what it really is! I still struggled constantly with my growth, though.... my beliefs slowly began to change and I stopped going to Catholic Church shortly after I was confirmed that spring.
My dear friend was always focusing our conversation on the Lord. At the time I was probably annoyed because I wanted to talk about US. That was probably the most important thing in my life - no wonder the Lord took that away. I can still feel the same joys and pains as I re-read those entries, especially knowing what's about to happen. But even as I am dealing with immense changes - close friends leaving for college and my own graduation, not to mention the all-but-loss of such a valuable relationship in my life - my dependence turns to the Lord. Not entirely but I cried out to him! And He heard me.
My senior year was when I really started turning to Him. I found more new friends in unexpected places (no matter what, the Lord had you in my life for a reason, Nathan!) and began to apply the truth of the Word in my life more and more. I was still so far from completion (I still am!) but the Lord certainly was growing me.
The rest of my testimony is undocumented on livejournal but exists in my memory and handwritten journals. I grew a lot in a short amount of time for a while, and when I left for college I plateaued considerably, for quite a while. I had a passion for some of the lost people in my life but the stresses of school soon caught up with me, and my life became about me more than the Lord, though I still spent time with Him and with Godly people.
I did grow gradually over the first 2 years of college. Then, in October of 2006, the Lord began calling me to major life growth and change. I was ready, however apprehensive - I knew such growth would cause pain! But for the first time in my life I felt ready to accept whatever pain the Lord might bring if it meant becoming closer to Him and more like Jesus! First the Lord took away my nearly 3-year long relationship with Nathan. Not a tear was shed, praise the Lord! He is and always will be a dear friend, and He taught me much about the Lord and myself. Our relationship was a very positive presence in my life overall.
This past 5-6 months so many changes have piled up in my life and it's been so incredibly overwhelming. I felt so many things culminate today in realizing how far the Lord has brought me from where I was four years ago. But I also realized there are some things that haven't changed nearly enough. There are so many things I still need the Lord's help with before I graduate, before I can go into the world and make disciples (another amazing heart change! :) ).
The Lord saved me when I was on a path of self-destruction from depression and dependence on things and people in this world. He caught me up in His precious Hand and took ahold of my heart... He used amazing people and circumstances and His WORD to draw my heart to His. The Lord saved such a wretch as me simply because He wanted to. I did NOTHING to deserve it. I am so thankful... so incredibly thankful. I am humbled by what the Lord has shown me today. I am filled with joys and regrets. Yet another strong desire to change. I want to grow in my precious Savior.
Proverbs 17:27 starts out with, "A wise man uses few words..." oops, guess I violated that one in this instance. Praise the Lord. :)
Welcome. :)
Hello!
Welcome to my new blog. :) This one will be a bit more "exclusive". I am not going to write down every happening of my day. I intend this to be more of a "life update" type of thing (such as when I go on a mission trip or decide what to do when I graduate) as well as a tool for encouragement. I may write down verses and what the Lord has taught me through them. I may write a poem or just "vent" about something amazing the Lord has done or shown me.
Whatever the case may be, enjoy. :)
Welcome to my new blog. :) This one will be a bit more "exclusive". I am not going to write down every happening of my day. I intend this to be more of a "life update" type of thing (such as when I go on a mission trip or decide what to do when I graduate) as well as a tool for encouragement. I may write down verses and what the Lord has taught me through them. I may write a poem or just "vent" about something amazing the Lord has done or shown me.
Whatever the case may be, enjoy. :)
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