Friends and Trust

This right here, is a beautiful picture of friendship. Yeah, it's from a movie. I happen to love this movie, but that has little to do with what I want to write about. But it does serve as an excellent illustration.



Hiccup and Toothless demonstrate important principles of friendship in this special scene. It makes me almost tear up every time I watch it, because it is so profound. There is so much trust between these two, who were once enemies. As they grow closer, Hiccup wants to touch Toothless. He knows this is a sign of trust, and he repeatedly reaches out to the dragon to demonstrate his trust for the fire-breathing beast. But Toothless has been hurt, and repeatedly pulls away, often shaking his head as he retreats, with a look saying quite clearly, "what are you doing?! He hurt me before... he can't be trusted."

But Hiccup is persistent. He is not pushy, but patient, gentle and understanding. He continues to spend time with Toothless, getting to know him, showing him love and understanding. Toothless's wall slowly comes down, and more and more of his personality comes through, drawing the two closer together, until this moment happens.

At first, Hiccup reaches out for Toothless, as usual, and the dragon pulls back slightly, warning Hiccup. This is when he realizes that he needs to let Toothless be the one to reach out. He turns his head and closes his eyes, saying without words, "I'm here if you want me. I trust you, and I hope you are ready to trust me." Toothless could bite off Hiccup's hand. He could also simply run away again. But I think this demonstration of trust actually surprises the dragon a little. He slowly moves toward Hiccup and places his nose into the boy's hand.

Despite the fact that Toothless pulls away and retreats again after Hiccup's eyes catch his once more, this is a turning point in their friendship. If they were going to have a relationship, there had to be trust. There had to be a crossroads--move forward separately, or together. I'm glad they chose to trust. They had so many reasons not to.

Even more deep, I think our relationship with God can be illustrated here. I believe in a God I cannot see, even though I believe there is evidence for Him around everywhere, every day. In a way, we are like Hiccup in reaching our hand blindly to Him and trusting Him to take care of us, not to harm us, to be our friend (although He is also a God to be feared and revered; a fitting analogy with a fire-breathing dragon with a mouth full of teeth). Sometimes we choose to trust, not knowing what is going to happen. If we didn't..... there wouldn't be friendships. People wouldn't trust each other, help each other. The world would be even more full of suspicion, doubt, and hopelessness than it already is.

Friendships, and any relationship for that matter, are about taking a chance. I've been hurt by many people I've called friends. Sometimes, those relationships break. But I believe God means for them to be healed in most cases. He is a God of relationship and created us for that. He doesn't like broken relationships (that's why He sent Jesus to fix our relationship with Him!). We're sinful people. We're going to hurt each other. If we live in fear of being hurt, we're just going to be alone, and even more hurt. I choose to accept that people I care about are going to hurt me, that I'm going to hurt them. I also choose to do my best to own up to my mistakes, apologize when I hurt someone, and do my best to mend broken relationships. I choose to trust people who have hurt me, and who I know have better intentions than it may seem, and to forgive and move forward. I choose to not let fear rule me, but to let God's love guide me and my heart and change the way I treat other people more and more.

"Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility, consider others as better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interest of others."
-Philippians 2:3-4

Putting others first is a risk. It means I may not get what I want. It means I may get hurt. But it's what God commands, and I know it makes me happy when I do it, even if it is sometimes uncomfortable. I want to live by this command more and more.

"People of God"

Taking a lil break from Ephesians... just because I had a thought as I was driving and a comment was made on the radio using the phrase "people of God", and also because I left my Ephesians notebook at home. :) Oops. (I am in Lamar on a short business trip.)

Sometimes WayFM plays a clip from a mom that called in, expressing her gratitude for some of the guys on the radio who are good role models for her son and his friends to live as "people of
God".

People of God... I know this has been given many definitions over time, anywhere from simply calling the Jewish people the people of God, because they are God's chosen people, to the meaning I find most profound, people who are living their lives for their Savior.

When I think of the phrase "people of God", it sounds like such a very big thing to be, and I feel so very small. I feel very sinful, and that I have a long way to go. This is definitely true, but I know I shouldn't feel as discouraged as I do. Feeling small before God is probably the right way to feel, as long as I'm not afraid to approach Him in humility, giving Him my sins and accepting His forgiveness. I think it's appropriate to feel small.

I have such a long way to go. I have so many sins to overcome, by the power of the Holy Spirit. That road is only going to look longer and longer as I get older, ironically. I think I know to check myself if the road every truly looks shorter... because if I'm becoming more like God, I should be increasingly aware of sin. The fine line there is to not become overwhelmed by sin and let it bring me down.

I want to live a life worthy of what God has done for me. I know that's technically impossible but I want to strive for it anyway. I want to be a person of God. I want to cut all the CRAP out of my life and let God turn it into something BEAUTIFUL...

Ephesians 3:12

Ephesians 3:12--In him and through faith in him we may approach God with freedom and confidence.

I love this verse. It epitomizes everything I desire in my relationship with God that feels difficult to grasp right now.

The key words for me in this verse are FREEDOM and CONFIDENCE. These are two things I rarely feel when approaching God, which is why I believe He stuck this verse onto my heart with metaphorical gorilla glue. I find that I approach God timidly, fearfully (not the right kind of fear, but scared-fear), not with complete trust and confidence.

The problem is, I have EVERY reason to approach Him in freedom and confidence. Jesus died for every little thing (and big thing) I do wrong, and when I ask God's forgiveness He takes it away, 100%. So why fear? It's done and gone. He's not sitting there continuing to shake His head in sad disappointment. He's not pushing me away. He's sitting there welcoming me into His loving arms, waiting to dote on my heart some more with His limitless grace and mercy.

I'm not entirely certain why this concept is so difficult to immerse my heart in and believe wholeheartedly. I know I tend to live in fear too much, and it's tough to break out of fear when it gains a stronghold. But I am determined, by the power of the Spirit of God, to keep this truth in my mind and heart until it takes hold more strongly and becomes my natural reaction to God--to approach Him in freedom and confidence rather than in fear.

Consumerism.... and Change

I really want to grow in the Lord and change for the better. I just struggle with feeling down and depressed when there seem to be so many obstacles and difficulties. I'm not naive enough to believe it will just be easy and effortless, although my sinful human nature would like to believe so.

In one moment, I will feel the power of the Spirit working in me to overcome obstacles and a fierce determination. But I think then I start relying on my own power instead of God's.

For instance. Consumerism. I'm not THAT big of a shopper; I do not have a credit card even, I don't just enjoy spending hours shopping. I do, however, sometimes enjoy shopping. There are certain things I really enjoy spending money on, like DVDs, books, and vacations (though the last of those is a rarity). I tend to be impulsive, which God has convicted me a lot on lately. If I want something and have the money in my account, it's tough for me to say no. Although, I think I've improved on that a great deal.
What drives me most insane are moments like this, right now. I'm sitting here, observing all the heaping clutter I possess, wondering how I end up with so much "stuff" that I do not need or use. And yet I find myself going out and buying more?! It drives me nuts.

The underlying conclusion in all that, is that I need to be a better steward of my financial resources. A much better one. I need to choose what I spend money on wisely, so that I can build a better financial foundation for the future (haha good alliteration) and be better prepared to be a responsible wife and mother. Those are awesome thoughts, but so much more difficult to put into practice. I suck at budgeting (especially since I have an inconsistent job), and I suck at taking the time even to plan good meals in advance so I'm not buying fast food when I'm too tired to cook. There's another problem-I need to plan ahead!

In general, I see sooo many things in my life I want to change, and I can't do it without God's help. I still have a lot to learn about seeking Him and leaning on Him to rely on HIS strength and HIS power. I feel helpless in that area right now. If you're reading this, please pray. I want to be a woman after God's own heart, and I feel distant from that goal right now.

Ephesians 2:14

This weekend, while camping in the beautiful mountains of Rocky Mountain National Park, God put a lot of verses on my mind and convictions in my heart. My next few blog entries will center around those things, especially as I follow the conviction to give my life over to Him much more fully than I have been.

Ephesians 2:14 (TNIV): For he himself is our peace, who has made the two one [referring to the Jews and Gentiles] and has destroyed the barrier.

The biggest word which stands out to me in this passage is PEACE. HE is our PEACE. That means He is supposed to be MY peace, too.

Something I realize often and yet have much difficulty in changing is the lack of peace in my heart. I think this is primarily caused by me constantly acting on impulse in all sorts of things, by relying on my emotions and acting and thinking based upon them, and not fully trusting God to take care of me. I know those are incorrect and even sinful things, but they are still difficult to change. In Christ I can know all the peace of God because He, the great God of the entire universe, cared enough to die for me.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, present your requests to God. And the PEACE of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:13-14

I will have that peace from God, Christ being my peace, when I choose to give my anxieties and fears to Him, and trust in Him.

"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." Hebrews 11:1

Now THAT is a tough verse for a human to follow. Trusting what is unseen? Ha! We as people RELY on what we can see. Mostly, anyway. But God calls us to something bigger, trusting in what we cannot see--Himself included--this is called FAITH. I need to have greater Faith that when I give my worries and fears to God, He WILL fill me with peace beyond what I can comprehend and He WILL take care of me! When I place my faith and trust in Him completely, He will prove Himself beyond measure.

That all sounds scary, even after I type it, but I know it's true. So that's going to be my greatest focus for tomorrow. Working on simply trusting God and having faith in Him, letting Him fill me with peace about the things I worry about by giving them into His hands.

~Fantasy~

At Radiant Church last Sunday, the pastor spoke about the supernatural and physical realms, and focused briefly on the human fascination with the supernatural and fantasy. This small snippet piqued my interest, mostly due to Jason being so into fantasy and it reminding me of how I "categorize" people who are really into fantasy.

Then I realized, agreeing with the pastor, that really, most people are really into fantasy to some degree or another.

We all imagine something more, something greater (at least, most of us do). We imagine things unseen, things more powerful than what we experience in our everyday lives. We imagine new creatures, magical powers, new worlds, and they capture our imaginations and give our hearts hope and adventure we crave in the everyday life.

God promises us this adventure and satisfies our longings for something greater. Or at least, He should. I know I fall far short of allowing the Truth of His word to capture my heart and imagination the way exciting stories and movies do. I just find it funny how we sit in this world, allowing our minds and hearts to be captivated by new, imaginary worlds when God has promised us a REAL one, a real one that will be entirely revealed in the future. In His Word He gives us snippet views of that world (all over Revelation and other prophecy-containing books of the Bible). We even get brand new bodies. We'll never have longings or fears or sadness again... in God there is hope because of Jesus.

Yet even we Christian believers often get caught up in the fantasy of this world, feeling a longing for something more. God created us with that longing--it is natural--but He wants to be the fulfiller of that. There is nothing wrong with enjoying fantasy and made-up worlds in our imagination, but I think when we do not intentionally let God fill us, give Him the first seat in captivating our imaginations, we not only cut Him down but ourselves as well. We deny ourselves that for which we were created. And much as I hate to admit it, I think it's a fine line to walk.

I'm not going to stop enjoying fantasy. But I think I'm going to try to be more intentional about letting the "fantasy" that is REALITY, what God has promised us in the future, the ULTIMATE adventure, captivate my heart above anything I can find here on this earth.

After all, isn't the story always the same? Good vanquishes evil. We know the ending because it's plastered all over history, all over narratives..... it's buried inherently in our hearts. God placed that there and it leads us to Him. He wins, so we win if we're on His side. In the greatest battle of all, We win. And it's still an adventure in the making, even with the ending having already been decided on the cross.

Stress

Stress.

It has pervaded my life for much of the past year. It drives me crazy, makes me worried and irritable and difficult to get along with at times.

I've had stress about jobs, money, relationships, friendships, living situations, just about everything. More than I can name.

But what I've realized on and off, but more and more strongly, is how much I let it affect me. Much, much more than I should.

My relationship with Jason especially suffers when I am stressed, and when we are both stressed, it is much worse. Suddenly every little thing seems to go wrong. A look on the face, a sigh, a particular tiny decision, tone of voice, or simple mistake or misunderstanding. The tiny things can blow up into big fights that make little sense and operate mostly out of confusion. Then fear trickles back in and grows in strength. Then more worry and doubt set in on top of whatever was originally there and the cycle not only continues but strengthens.

God has really put on my heart to be in control of my thoughts and emotions when I'm stressed and exhausted. And I have been a LOT lately. Jason being stressed has not helped but I forget to take that into account and give him the benefit of the doubt. I need to do that much more often. I need to learn to very clearly state that I need to cool off and quiet my mind before continuing a discussion that is getting heated, because when I am stressed especially, I just get confused and emotional and things get out of hand.

I need to remember to put Jason's needs first and keep them in mind, and remember that he has good intentions. He does not WANT to hurt me and does not mean to. He is dealing with a lot right now and I need to be his helper and love him strongly through it even when I'm stressed myself.

Stress really sucks, but I do not want to let it rule me. There are far greater things at stake that need my heart's attention.

TV and stuff

I like TV a lot. Not so much the turn-on-the-boob-tube-and-sit-through-commercials kind of TV, but the pull DVDs off the shelf, be they movies or TV shows, and enjoy them for as long or short a time as I want. :) Me and Jason had an awesome, unprecedented marathon of "Avatar: The Last Airbender" this weekend, as he wasn't feeling good and I was exhausted and we both needed the rest. We watched literally half of the series (the second half) in 2 days. It was amazing. I loved watching the characters grow and witness the obvious but intriguing battle for good over evil. I've really enjoyed discussing these things with Jason since we finished.

But at the same time as I love movies and TV, I feel God telling me right now to make sure I do not idolize fantasy worlds (in general; not the fantasy genre specifically), not to wish I was in another world, and not to waste my precious time on this earth in front of the TV all the time. Of course, Jason and I love movies and love sharing in imagined worlds with one another through TV, and that doesn't have to stop. But I feel God warning me lately not to get too wrapped up in these worlds, so wrapped up that I forget who I am, where I am, and my responsibilities here.

I can be "impressionable". When I relate to characters (and real people as well), I tend to take on certain character traits and people, both real and imaginary, can heavily influence who I am. I must be careful to ensure that it is Christ alone in whom my identity rests, and to guard what influences may enter my mind. Always easier said than done.

Sometimes this world feels "boring". It's the same thing over and over. Get up, go to work, come home and do what needs to be done, sleep, and do it again. Obviously there are fun times but ... my heart longs for adventure. It was created for adventure. Which is why imaginary worlds are so intriguing, so enticing... worlds where we can fly, bend elements, where creatures exist we never thought of, where "magic" exists, etc. And at the same time these worlds are simpler, even more innocent, as the battle between good and evil is usually much clearer and defined. Here, the lines often seem blurred, the adventure of fighting for what is good lost in the mundane responsibilities of life. Of course, that's what makes our world real and others not. But still, stories excite the imagination, and even uplift the spirit to fight through the mundane in extraordinary ways.

Sometimes I really want to just set up a simpler life somewhere else anyway.

Communication

Communication seems to be a huge underlying cause of relational problems, between all people. Not just dating relationships, but all relationships suffer from this. I see it pervading everywhere I go and it drives me crazy.

When people are hurt or angry, they just hold their feelings inside, feeding bitterness and hostility towards another individual who may not even realize they are doing something hurtful. It strains and often breaks relationships, leaving questions unanswered and hearts confused.

People disagree with something that is going on. Instead of confronting the person or people involved, they gossip about it with other people or go to another source first rather than those directly involved. This leaves people frustrated who did not realize they were making someone uncomfortable. Had they been confronted, they likely would be willing to hear the other side and probably to modify the situation in everyone's best interests (of course, both parties need to be willing to listen).

I see this problem at home between parents and kids, brothers and sisters, husbands and wives. I see it at work between coworkers, and between bosses and employees. I see it at church in close friendships, between strangers, and between church-goers and the leadership of the church. I see it everywhere.

And it drives me INSANE.

Not that I never suffer the same problem.

I, like most other people, fear to confront people or share negative feelings I am experiencing, for fear of rejection from the other person, perhaps ridicule, or even worse, indifference. Sometimes I fear that sharing this will injure the other person (although we could all use some healthy injuring at times). Sometimes I'd just rather let someone else deal with it and not do it myself.

But this is not right, by me or anyone else. So many relationships are screwed up because of this problem. Myself and others need to:
Stand by the promises we make
Hear out carefully what others have to say
Lovingly confront those who are hurting us
Stop refusing to deal with problems out of fear
Communicate our feelings to those we care about and others in our lives
Consider the repercussions not only on ourselves personally, but on the other individual(s) involved as well, and also the relationship we have with that person(s).

If we could all communicate just a little better, everyone's lives would be a lot more pleasant and enjoyable, and peaceful. :)

Waiting on God

Many people say they are waiting on God, waiting on signs and direction from God, etc. I myself say this a lot. But every time I think it or hear it, I find myself asking, "what exactly am I looking for as an answer?" Or, what is the other person looking for?

I definitely understand praying and seeking God on decisions and direction, especially big ones. But I also know there are times to wait and times to press forward and make a decision based on faith and Truth.

In my small group in college we listened to a series called "Decision Making and the Will of God". I don't remember too much except the distinctions between free will and God's sovereign will, and even more starkly, that God isn't always going to drop a clear answer in our lap but expects us to grow up spiritually enough to make decisions that are wise and that honor Him. It's like the verse in Ephesians about spiritual milk versus solid food. God wants us to grow in Him to a solid food stage. Now, I don't think this means that in every instance we just say "okay, I'm spiritually mature so this is what I think is right." I think He wants us to deliberate, to think, to pray, to refresh our minds in His word. But there comes a point when ultimately we are mature enough to use the Truth we know to make decisions that honor God and are good for our lives.

Maybe this is why sometimes, when we pray, we don't seem to get answers.

Maybe God is saying, whispering, "you know Me... you know my Word... seek my Word, seek wisdom from mature believers, remember what you know about Me.... then make a decision that you know will make Me smile."

And sometimes there is more than one right choice. And that's really cool. Sometimes God gives us options. Sometimes I think He simply wants us to decide. He presents two or more good options and maybe those are opportunities for us to practice making decisions and growing. Maybe these are growing opportunities.

I wonder how this might change my outlook on some decisions I make in the near future.

Decisions Decisions

So... I've potentially been offered yet another job. I have a profile on a website called nannies4hire. I've been ignoring it since getting my job with Lifetouch, but got a message from a family in Monument this morning. They were interested in me because of my musical background especially. They have a salary (per week) ranging from 300-700... even if I was making 500, I'd be ridiculously comfortable financially. I figured out that after all my bills, if I had a 630/month lease with 25 bucks pet rent and some estimated utilities, I'd still have around 700/month left over to save, tithe, and have fun with.

I love my job with Lifetouch. I love taking pictures, hanging out with my co workers, learning a little about photography, and making kids smile in schools. I love that we're in a different place every day or three. I wish I could get guaranteed hours and that the job was full year-round, but still, I love my job.

On the other hand, this job has its perks too, besides money. I would be working 11 hours a day, 4 days per week. Out of those 11 hours, only 3-4 would be with the kids (elementary aged, not toddlers, so much more fun for me). The in-between times would be spent doing household stuff for the family--shopping, cooking, cleaning, etc. I really don't mind doing those things, especially by myself. I can be introverted and sometimes really enjoy working by myself. So the job wouldn't end up being exhausting. Paid holidays. Paid health insurance. Good deal.

I'm wondering what God might be telling me through this. I figure that
1. He could be reminding me that I have a job that I love and even though it pays less, it's a great job I love and I can be more flexible with it, especially when it comes to things like moving and getting married. Maybe He's trying to get me to realize I love money too much and need to remember that money is not everything and He will provide.
2. He could be answering prayer! I constantly pray for God to provide when it comes to me and Jason's jobs and income. What I really wish is that He'd provide JASON a really good job, but the offers seem to keep falling into my lap, which I just don't get. Jason is the one who needs to and wants to be the provider. But if God's going to provide for us, might this job be an answer?

I have no freakin' idea. this is so frustrating. The biggest frustration is they want someone to start by the end of the month, leaving very little time for decision making. Please pray hardcore, and provide input. I'm leaning toward staying with Lifetouch, but I can't make a decision without taking time to pray and think.

I am Le Tired

I love my job.

But sometimes, coming home and feeling exhausted is just not fun. I want to have energy to enjoy the rest of my day, but usually I'm so tired I don't want to clean, or exercise, or do much else besides eat (but not cook if I can help it), chill on the couch, maybe watch something, and fall asleep.

I don't want life to be that way!

Maybe it will just take time to get used to my job. In all honesty, i feel like I'm already adjusting to the long hours. I don't feel quite as exhausted as I did last week. But still, as of right now I've been up for 16 hours and 20 minutes. Bedtime is in about 2 hours.

What I really want is to have energy to come home and cook a nice dinner for me and Jason, keep things clean (okay, if I did better at that to begin with it wouldn't be such a problem. :) ), go for a nice brisk walk or something, and just feel like I'm truly pouring into him. I think I know how Jason feels after his long days now. It's hard to be in a place where both of us have jobs where we may work really long hours and be exhausted, because then it's hard to pour into each other and help each other. I guess as we move from one stage of our relationship to another, we'll learn better how to balance things and share the load, especially when we are married.

But right now it's just hard.

*YawN*

House

Sometimes I feel a lot like Dr. House.

Jason and I finished up Season 1 the other day. It was interesting to learn so much about him throughout the season. He felt like a giant mystery and puzzle. I loved seeing the crazy cases they dealt with, and all the little personal dramas in various relationships, but ultimately, House intrigues me most of all. (And seriously, who has a last name of House? haha... I think that's pretty fun).

House is snide, cynical, distrusting, seemingly uncaring, sarcastic, rude, witty, hilarious, genius, and I also believe passionate. I feel like he's an exaggerated version of myself (well, not in ALL those characteristics :) ). I feel I can relate to him. His past experiences, especially with people, led him to become distrusting, bitter, and cynical. He buries his feelings deep inside and has a tough outer shell to protect his heart.

The big difference is, I don't want to be like House at his age. I want to still let myself trust people, love people, and be open to people. I'd love to have his sense of humor. I love his sarcasm. But rather than push people away, I want to hold them close, even after they hurt me. Even when I know that will hurt me more at the time. Because in the end, it will make me a better, more Godly person. In my heart I feel much sympathy for the things House had to deal with in his life and relationships. His distance from people is very intentional, and while I do not want to be like that, I understand it.

Funny how we can relate to fictional characters so well. Although they are created for us to relate to.

In conclusion, I am simply amazed at Hugh Laurie's American accent. Impeccable.

Fear

I don't feel deep or profound right now. I just feel tired. And like writing something.

I know I struggle a lot with fear. That's a direct consequence of growing up not being able to trust the people I was in contact with. Not just at home, although that was the biggest part of it. It's been so prevalent that fear and distrust feels second nature to me. And yet, I think deep down I have a very trusting nature and that's what makes it so hard on me. It still hurts a lot every time my trust is betrayed even though I half expect it anymore.

But I don't want to live in fear. I don't want to build walls. I want to love and trust and be genuine and open and vulnerable to a reasonable extent. ESPECIALLY with those closest to my heart. I hate that sometimes, when I begin to feel genuinely happy, I seem to subconsciously catch myself and say "what are you doing?! Be careful!" and immediately some walls go up and I become suspicious that my happiness will be imminently destroyed. And probably because the person with whom I am happy will disappoint and hurt me again.

I know no one is perfect and I do not expect perfection. This is a big part of the struggle. My tendencies seem to reflect an expectation of perfection, of never being hurt, but I do not expect that at all. Sometimes I just feel emotional pain so profoundly that I fear experiencing it again, and I fear experiencing the intense pain associated with loss.

All these things, I have to give to God. It's a daily battle, but when it's victorious, my day is filled with joy. When it's not, there are a lot more struggles. But God is still good through it all. He's there for me and fighting with me. I'm also thankful to know I have friends praying for me, and I believe more strongly now that Jason is fighting with me and for me as well, not just hoping I will change and stop being fearful. I think that's needed in a lifelong partnership like the one we hope to enter into. God didn't create us alone. He never meant to. "It is not good for the man to be alone." So He created Eve as Adam's helper and partner. Eve was created for companionship and Adam was designed to fight for her and protect her. Even spiritually... he is meant to lift her up and encourage her, as she is him, although he is the leader.

With God fighting for me, my friends lifting me in prayer, and my man fighting for me and loving me through my struggles as well, I know there is eternal victory ahead for this battle.

Sin...

...it can seem so innocent and okay in the moment, but later when it hits you that what you did was wrong in the eyes of God, it seems so pointless. Funny how that works. Hindsight is 20/20, for sure. so I wonder why we repeat sin over and over when we KNOW for a fact that it will hurt later and even worse, that it hurts God? I know that sin is our nature, and even after we are "made new" in Christ (2 Cor 5:17) that we still have to fight that sin nature. But with that, and knowing the human brain and its intelligence, we still somehow sin in the same ways over and over. Be it in our thoughts or with our actions... it makes no sense to me, even though I myself struggle with this problem.

Another aspect of sin I struggle with is the subsequent remorse. I feel self hatred at times, especially with sins that are all but habitual. "Why did I do that AGAIN, God??!?!" I think. I feel disappointed in myself for failing in living for Him in that moment. Something He put on my heart today was that I must let Him take it away, as He has removed my sins as far as the East is from the West, as long as I ask Him to and ask His forgiveness. That's a lot easier said than done, as I tend to think that if it's that easy, I must be just trying to use grace as an excuse. I know that's not necessarily the case, and I just need to check my heart attitude, but as always, easier said than done. I second guess myself far too much.

On the other hand, more wonderful rain here in Colorado. It's so odd that we've had so much in July compared to June and now into August. Not that I am complaining. :)

Now I am trying to figure out the best way to spend the evening with Jason. He wants to write; I'm not feeling so creative this evening. It was my first real day at work and it was kind of tiring even though I enjoyed it (I love having a job I love!). I'm trying to decide if it's selfish to not write much even if I let him write... or just suck it up and try anyway.

It's Been AWhile!

I realize I haven't posted in almost a year. Crazy! Sometimes I get really into blogging, and sometimes I do not.

Something I've realized lately is that there is a lot people can learn from each other. I've learned so much and God has spoken to me immensely through other peoples' blogs and such. So I thought I should start again. Share what God shows me on a more regular basis. And just share the joys I experience in life--and the hard times--because we can all learn from those.

That said... there is a thunderstorm starting here in the Springs and I'm excited! I love thunderstorms. They fascinate me. They are powerful and yet God protects us from them too for the most part. For how strong He has made weather and nature, He is still in control and allows us to still have dominion over the earth. Kinda crazy! :)

I also start the real work part of my new job tomorrow! I'm kind of nervous! I'm excited too, because I get to learn about photography, my favorite thing to do, but I do not want to mess up either! I'm praying God will help me have great work ethic and give it my best and work as working for Him and not men. :)