Fear

I don't feel deep or profound right now. I just feel tired. And like writing something.

I know I struggle a lot with fear. That's a direct consequence of growing up not being able to trust the people I was in contact with. Not just at home, although that was the biggest part of it. It's been so prevalent that fear and distrust feels second nature to me. And yet, I think deep down I have a very trusting nature and that's what makes it so hard on me. It still hurts a lot every time my trust is betrayed even though I half expect it anymore.

But I don't want to live in fear. I don't want to build walls. I want to love and trust and be genuine and open and vulnerable to a reasonable extent. ESPECIALLY with those closest to my heart. I hate that sometimes, when I begin to feel genuinely happy, I seem to subconsciously catch myself and say "what are you doing?! Be careful!" and immediately some walls go up and I become suspicious that my happiness will be imminently destroyed. And probably because the person with whom I am happy will disappoint and hurt me again.

I know no one is perfect and I do not expect perfection. This is a big part of the struggle. My tendencies seem to reflect an expectation of perfection, of never being hurt, but I do not expect that at all. Sometimes I just feel emotional pain so profoundly that I fear experiencing it again, and I fear experiencing the intense pain associated with loss.

All these things, I have to give to God. It's a daily battle, but when it's victorious, my day is filled with joy. When it's not, there are a lot more struggles. But God is still good through it all. He's there for me and fighting with me. I'm also thankful to know I have friends praying for me, and I believe more strongly now that Jason is fighting with me and for me as well, not just hoping I will change and stop being fearful. I think that's needed in a lifelong partnership like the one we hope to enter into. God didn't create us alone. He never meant to. "It is not good for the man to be alone." So He created Eve as Adam's helper and partner. Eve was created for companionship and Adam was designed to fight for her and protect her. Even spiritually... he is meant to lift her up and encourage her, as she is him, although he is the leader.

With God fighting for me, my friends lifting me in prayer, and my man fighting for me and loving me through my struggles as well, I know there is eternal victory ahead for this battle.