My Testimony

Today, after having known the Lord for basically 4-4 1/2 years, I finally can say I have a true testimony.

For the past couple of years, when thinking about my testimony, I have felt that I don't really have any sort of exciting story. I still don't in comparison to some... but today I had the "privilege" of reliving my junior year of high school (through my still-existent livejournal!), the year I came to know the Lord. It was quite a painful experience.

I went into my junior year having just lost my mother but feeling quite happy considering. I started the year joyfully with new friends and a new confidence, especially as drum major for my high school band. Quickly, God brought someone into my life to turn it upside down.

God used a dear friend, on whom I had a crush, to draw me to him eventually. But at the time I was just excited to hang out with this friend who seemed to be enjoying my company as well. Soon he invited me to his church youth group. Around this time my journal entries are so incredibly up and down... I'm depressed one minute and elated the next. In a few instances I wrote about how I did not want to discuss religion with anyone because I was tired of being disagreed with and told my beliefs were wrong.

As my friendship with this person grew (and became in many ways more than friendship), I can now see how God was working in my life. I was so dependent on people to be happy, I wanted MY needs met, I wanted people to like me and accept me. I depended on my new friend for so much of that... I must have absolutely drained him. It's a miracle he is still in my life at all. But as the time progresses in my old journal... I see the Lord first using people (first my new friend and then many people I met at my new church) to reach out to me and love me.

Once people were established in my life, God's word seems to take a much greater hold. As the year progresses, scripture appears more and more into my entries. And becomes more meaningful. At first I often just used scripture to convince myself that my deep relationship with this person was in God's will, but God slowly changed that in my heart and I began to see it for what it really is! I still struggled constantly with my growth, though.... my beliefs slowly began to change and I stopped going to Catholic Church shortly after I was confirmed that spring.

My dear friend was always focusing our conversation on the Lord. At the time I was probably annoyed because I wanted to talk about US. That was probably the most important thing in my life - no wonder the Lord took that away. I can still feel the same joys and pains as I re-read those entries, especially knowing what's about to happen. But even as I am dealing with immense changes - close friends leaving for college and my own graduation, not to mention the all-but-loss of such a valuable relationship in my life - my dependence turns to the Lord. Not entirely but I cried out to him! And He heard me.

My senior year was when I really started turning to Him. I found more new friends in unexpected places (no matter what, the Lord had you in my life for a reason, Nathan!) and began to apply the truth of the Word in my life more and more. I was still so far from completion (I still am!) but the Lord certainly was growing me.

The rest of my testimony is undocumented on livejournal but exists in my memory and handwritten journals. I grew a lot in a short amount of time for a while, and when I left for college I plateaued considerably, for quite a while. I had a passion for some of the lost people in my life but the stresses of school soon caught up with me, and my life became about me more than the Lord, though I still spent time with Him and with Godly people.

I did grow gradually over the first 2 years of college. Then, in October of 2006, the Lord began calling me to major life growth and change. I was ready, however apprehensive - I knew such growth would cause pain! But for the first time in my life I felt ready to accept whatever pain the Lord might bring if it meant becoming closer to Him and more like Jesus! First the Lord took away my nearly 3-year long relationship with Nathan. Not a tear was shed, praise the Lord! He is and always will be a dear friend, and He taught me much about the Lord and myself. Our relationship was a very positive presence in my life overall.

This past 5-6 months so many changes have piled up in my life and it's been so incredibly overwhelming. I felt so many things culminate today in realizing how far the Lord has brought me from where I was four years ago. But I also realized there are some things that haven't changed nearly enough. There are so many things I still need the Lord's help with before I graduate, before I can go into the world and make disciples (another amazing heart change! :) ).

The Lord saved me when I was on a path of self-destruction from depression and dependence on things and people in this world. He caught me up in His precious Hand and took ahold of my heart... He used amazing people and circumstances and His WORD to draw my heart to His. The Lord saved such a wretch as me simply because He wanted to. I did NOTHING to deserve it. I am so thankful... so incredibly thankful. I am humbled by what the Lord has shown me today. I am filled with joys and regrets. Yet another strong desire to change. I want to grow in my precious Savior.

Proverbs 17:27 starts out with, "A wise man uses few words..." oops, guess I violated that one in this instance. Praise the Lord. :)