When is it Too Much?

I'm taking a break from some "therapy cleaning" to vent my thoughts.

I've discovered a few different therapies for stress and heartache this week.

1. Photographing. Sounds obvious, right? It's actually not, considering that photography itself reminds me of parts of why my heart aches.

2. Swimming. I should do this more. Whenever I'm feel particularly worked up I can swim some power laps, wear myself out, and let out my emotions at the same time. not to mention it's good exercise.

3. Cleaning/Organizing. This one shouldn't feel new to me, but it does every time I re-discover it. I've been cleaning like mad this morning. This keeps my mind occupied and my hands busy so I have less time to get lost in whatever is bothering me.

Honestly, I'd rather deal with what's bothering me than find coping mechanisms. But, when the person you need to work something out with refuses to discuss anything, a whole lot gets pent up inside. I let it out however I can--through tears, through prayer, through venting to a caring ear, or through the above mechanisms. But ultimately the problem is still there because it has not been solved.

I still feel like God is calling me down this path. It hurts a lot, but in the end could result in someone's salvation. It could result in a better, stronger, friendship and two better, stronger people. Times like today, and the past few days, I often feel so run down I want to quit. But what good what that do? I think there's too much at stake. I'll make it through because I have the strength of God in my weak human heart.

But at the same time, despite this knowledge and a heart strengthened by God's love, I feel worn out and run down. I don't know how to move forward from here. If I do something, I end up hurt by the apathy returned my way or by harsh words. If I do nothing, I am hurt by continuing to be ignored and by the memories that haunt my mind and heart and by wondering if anything will ever change.

Still, I'm determined to be resilient, patient, and trusting. Some of those traits are what lead me to where I am right now but I know they are still good. God helped me let down my wall and He allowed me to experience pain as a result. But He is God, and He is good, so He must have something really good coming up. I don't know when but I'll keep waiting. He didn't establish this connection in my life for nothing. It's not an accident.

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who know him..."

Romans 8:28