I've waited for 5 days. And still nothing. Each day my hope lessens and the hurt deepens. So far I've determinedly not given up. Today I'm at the end of my limits and unsure if I'll be able to continue.
Perhaps it's because I'm so tired. I worked over 57 hours this week. My body is worn down and my mind is exhausted. On top of that my heart is emotionally exhausted over this and other things I'm dealing with. I wish for once that'd matter to this person.
I wonder how often God feels this way with me, with humans in general. Seeing us ignore Him, turn our noses up to His signs of affection and proofs of His love. Mourns when He pours out His heart and we can only think about ourselves and what matters to us rather than to Him. It's an interesting perspective to gain for sure. I know God will grow me in that if I don't utterly fail but right now the hurt just goes so deep that it's difficult to care.
I am torn between wanting to stop caring and forget, and between hoping and fervently praying that things improve and the friendship is healed and grows stronger. That conundrum in my head and in my heart causes me daily turmoil. I'm not God; I'm not strong enough on my own to continue to withstand this. I'm doing my best but at times like now I just want to cave in.
But I don't even know what would happen if I did cave in. Would I get more depressed? Would I feel free? I'm not sure. But my heart is fiercely loyal to those I care about, to my own end probably. I'm not capable of just not caring cold-turkey--suddenly ceasing to care. Even if I were to let go of this friendship, it would pain me for a long time. I keep trying to remind myself why I am holding on but the more time that passes the more difficult it is. The memories burn tears into my eyes.
Still I'm trying. Still I'm pressing on. Through the pain, through the tears. God has me here for a reason. I hope another soul will rejoice in heaven because of this. If this is my cross to bear, I'll bear it. I just need God's strength because I can't do it on my own. I'm far too weak.
2 comments:
I have absolutely no idea what's going on, but I'll surely be praying for you. Some relationships can be really tough, but the ones worth having are worth fighting for. But, usually the ones worth having don't require you to fight. I'm sorry you're hurting so much.
if the ones worth having didn't require me to fight then I probably wouldn't be married. :P
Post a Comment