Learning to Let Go

I've done my best. I've given all I have within me. I've poured out my heart and my soul.

Nothing.

Normally when you love someone, it affects them. It changes them. It certainly changes me, especially when someone shows me love and kindness when I'm showing them the very worst of myself.

But I guess I've hit a rock wall so thick and hard that it's impenetrable. At least by me. A wall only God can break through. I know He's been using me to demonstrate His love and for that I'm eternally thankful.

But I've reached a point of brokenness and broken-hearted-ness. Right now I can't take anymore. Nothing I do to try and show love sinks in. None of it mattes. Because the instant something isn't perfect again, all of the good that's been done goes away.

I no longer know how to reach out to someone who can only think of themselves. I draw a line when the safety of another person is put behind someone's self-interests. That's plain wrong. And it hurts like hell. I give this situation to God, because only His hands are strong enough to heal.

My heart, too, needs healing. It will take time. I feel so incredibly broken. But one thing I won't change. I won't stop loving someone because they are sinful or because they hurt me. I'll be smart enough to give them space and let myself heal before being subjected to this again, but I won't give up. Because God doesn't give up. He pursues us whole-heartedly and with everything He has. But I'm human, and I need to recharge. I need to feel whole again.

My heart breaks writing these words. I'm going to need God's strength to get through each day right now. But I know that God's love wins wars. Maybe not every battle, but the war will be won. So I'll keep on fighting. But now I need to rest.