The Masquerade

Yesterday, I was reminiscing about a lot of things. Particularly some hard times I've experienced in the past few years, and the sin that happened in those times. It hurt my heart to remember those times of sin, and led me to send up some more apologies and remorse to the Lord, who has thankfully forgiven me of those sins.

On my way home from work, the song "Stained Glass Masquerade" by Casting Crowns came on. (On my playlist, because most radio stations won't play it! ) This song resonates profoundly with my heart, as Jason and I left a church we used to love this past year because of the lack of Christ-like love and an excess of misplaced judgment. I thought about what those people (many of them, anyway), and even people I call friends now who do not know about some of my past sins, would think of me, if they'd still love me, if they'd cast me out of their lives. Sadly, I believe some of them would.

Few people know about some of those sins, and truth be told only one of them was truly judgmental and condemning of it. Thankfully that person is no longer a part of my life. But I fear others might follow in his footsteps.

"...would it set me free

if I dared to let you see

the truth behind the person

that you imagine me to be

would your arms be open

or would you walk away?

or would the love of Jesus

be enough to make you stay?"

I hope that when we find a new church family we'll find people who are authentic. People who are open. People who are loving. People who don't judge without seeking the truth first. There are sins in my past that still hurt me to remember. Sins that I'm afraid to confess to any but the most trusted and closest of friends. (Thank the Lord my fiance is among them).

"Is there anyone that fails?

Is there anyone that falls?

Am I the only one in church today

feeling so small?

Cause when I take a look around

everybody seems so strong

I know they'll soon discover

that I don't belong....

So I tuck it all away

like everything's okay

if I make 'em all believe it

maybe I'll believe it too...

so with a painted grin

I'll play the part again

so everyone will see me

the way that I see them!"

I want to be real... authentic me, the good bad and ugly... I wish there were more believers I could open up to genuinely, who would understand and be there without so much judgment. Especially post-repentance. That'd be nice.