What my Lord has been teaching me...

In no particular order...

1) I am selfish. I unintentionally put others before myself. Even when inside I want to do what is best for the other person I find myself becoming defensive, wanting to gain the foothold for what I want. I love one on one time with people and allow myself to sometimes be jealous when I cannot have that desired time, rather than appreciating the time I do have, both in groups and one on one, and being happy to see my dear friends enjoying the company of other dear friends.

2) I am presumptuous - judgmental? I don't think judgmental is the right word here. I just tend to assume I know what people are thinking, particularly if I think there is something wrong between myself and another person. And I typically assume the worst. And if the opportunity arises in conversation to become defensive, this is usually what I fall back on-accusing those I love of not caring for me genuinely in return, or at least not showing it. Perhaps I am simply blind.

3) I speak too quickly without thinking first. I tend to say things I don't mean, or say things that don't accurately show what I mean, without processing my thoughts and emotions first. I hurt people in this way. I don't turn to my Jesus with my thoughts and feelings before expressing them to the world. I don't allow Him to make me renewed.

4) I am too emotional. I let my feelings get the best of me. I react to my initial emotions which of course are usually the most strong ones. Rather than giving up my emotions to God, I let them consume and control and overpower me.

5) I, as a result of the above, have a foolish temper. I let the stupid, insignificant things bother me. I don't take the time to differentiate between what is important and what is trivial. I let my foolish pride and anger separate me from my brothers and sisters in Christ at times.

6) I am prideful. I tend to simply assume that I am right when something happens between me and another person rather than praying to the Lord and letting Him show me where I have erred. Rather than letting go of my pride for the sake of reconciliation and love I fight for my "right" rather than admitting I am wrong, at least before it's too late.

7) I allow my heart to worship idols. Of sorts. I allow possessions, relationships, school to become idols to me. I let myself at times become caught up in consumerism, thinking that one item from the store could just make me a little happier, a little more accepted. How foolish I am! I allow myself to believe that a friendship, or a relationship with a guy, is going to fill my heart and help to make me whole, to change me. How foolish I am! I allow myself to believe that if my grades are amazing and I graduate with honors that my heart will be satisfied and I'll look amazing. How foolish I am! None of those things bring the fullness of joy. Only Jesus. Only Jesus.

8) I rely too much on myself. I think I have the "willpower" to change myself and my life. I think I can "make the decision" to just wake up daily and be filled with joy and peace. In reality only God can provide all those things. I must wake up daily and place my trust in Him, humbly ask Him for the gifts of joy, peace, and change. I must let Him renew me from the inside out, rather than relying on my own pathetically weak intentions.

9) My attitude daily does not reflect the life and hope I have in Christ my savior. Especially lately. I've been dealing with so much that I let it overwhelm me and act in foolish, sinful ways. I allow myself to vent to unbelievers in ways that do not honor the Lord because I know they will accept how I feel and what I say. I should be laying my hurt and anger when it arises, my sadness,at the feet of Jesus. They should be offerings to my Lord rather than steam blown off in a sinful attitude. I let one situation run my life rather than coming before the Lord and actually trusting Him to take care of it, to heal my broken spirit, and to restore.

10) I have little patience. I desire instant gratification too much. I want the broken things in my life restored as soon as possible. But rather than trusting that the Lord has it in His might hand, that things WILL be healed and that time must be allowed, I allow my heart to become sunken and sullen for want of immediate renewal. My Lord has brought me to my knees and I simply want to be let up rather than falling prostrate before Him, accepting His admonishment, basking in the opportunity to learn from my many mistakes, and then taking His hand as He gently pulls me up again... clean, fresh, renewed.

...and so much more. My God in heaven loves me too much to leave me the way I am. How I pray He is working in me to change me... in ways I cannot yet see. but God is faithful. He delivers on His promises. "Though the sorrow may last for the night, His joy comes in the morning." Nighttime doesn't last forever. The sun is somewhere below the horizon, ready to break into dawn at any moment. I wait in great anticipation....