I love my job.
But sometimes, coming home and feeling exhausted is just not fun. I want to have energy to enjoy the rest of my day, but usually I'm so tired I don't want to clean, or exercise, or do much else besides eat (but not cook if I can help it), chill on the couch, maybe watch something, and fall asleep.
I don't want life to be that way!
Maybe it will just take time to get used to my job. In all honesty, i feel like I'm already adjusting to the long hours. I don't feel quite as exhausted as I did last week. But still, as of right now I've been up for 16 hours and 20 minutes. Bedtime is in about 2 hours.
What I really want is to have energy to come home and cook a nice dinner for me and Jason, keep things clean (okay, if I did better at that to begin with it wouldn't be such a problem. :) ), go for a nice brisk walk or something, and just feel like I'm truly pouring into him. I think I know how Jason feels after his long days now. It's hard to be in a place where both of us have jobs where we may work really long hours and be exhausted, because then it's hard to pour into each other and help each other. I guess as we move from one stage of our relationship to another, we'll learn better how to balance things and share the load, especially when we are married.
But right now it's just hard.
*YawN*
Monday, August 9, 2010
Friday, August 6, 2010
House
Sometimes I feel a lot like Dr. House.
Jason and I finished up Season 1 the other day. It was interesting to learn so much about him throughout the season. He felt like a giant mystery and puzzle. I loved seeing the crazy cases they dealt with, and all the little personal dramas in various relationships, but ultimately, House intrigues me most of all. (And seriously, who has a last name of House? haha... I think that's pretty fun).
House is snide, cyni
cal, distrusting, seemingly uncaring, sarcastic, rude, witty, hilarious, genius, and I also believe passionate. I feel like he's an exaggerated version of myself (well, not in ALL those characteristics :) ). I feel I can relate to him. His past experiences, especially with people, led him to become distrusting, bitter, and cynical. He buries his feelings deep inside and has a tough outer shell to protect his heart.
The big difference is, I don't want to be like House at his age. I want to still let myself trust people, love people, and be open to people. I'd love to have his sense of humor. I love his sarcasm. But rather than push people away, I want to hold them close, even after they hurt me. Even when I know that will hurt me more at the time. Because in the end, it will make me a better, more Godly person. In my heart I feel much sympathy for the things House had to deal with in his life and relationships. His distance from people is very intentional, and while I do not want to be like that, I understand it.
Funny how we can relate to fictional characters so well. Although they are created for us to relate to.
In conclusion, I am simply amazed at Hugh Laurie's American accent. Impeccable.
Jason and I finished up Season 1 the other day. It was interesting to learn so much about him throughout the season. He felt like a giant mystery and puzzle. I loved seeing the crazy cases they dealt with, and all the little personal dramas in various relationships, but ultimately, House intrigues me most of all. (And seriously, who has a last name of House? haha... I think that's pretty fun).
House is snide, cyni
cal, distrusting, seemingly uncaring, sarcastic, rude, witty, hilarious, genius, and I also believe passionate. I feel like he's an exaggerated version of myself (well, not in ALL those characteristics :) ). I feel I can relate to him. His past experiences, especially with people, led him to become distrusting, bitter, and cynical. He buries his feelings deep inside and has a tough outer shell to protect his heart.The big difference is, I don't want to be like House at his age. I want to still let myself trust people, love people, and be open to people. I'd love to have his sense of humor. I love his sarcasm. But rather than push people away, I want to hold them close, even after they hurt me. Even when I know that will hurt me more at the time. Because in the end, it will make me a better, more Godly person. In my heart I feel much sympathy for the things House had to deal with in his life and relationships. His distance from people is very intentional, and while I do not want to be like that, I understand it.
Funny how we can relate to fictional characters so well. Although they are created for us to relate to.
In conclusion, I am simply amazed at Hugh Laurie's American accent. Impeccable.
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Fear
I don't feel deep or profound right now. I just feel tired. And like writing something.
I know I struggle a lot with fear. That's a direct consequence of growing up not being able to trust the people I was in contact with. Not just at home, although that was the biggest part of it. It's been so prevalent that fear and distrust feels second nature to me. And yet, I think deep down I have a very trusting nature and that's what makes it so hard on me. It still hurts a lot every time my trust is betrayed even though I half expect it anymore.
But I don't want to live in fear. I don't want to build walls. I want to love and trust and be genuine and open and vulnerable to a reasonable extent. ESPECIALLY with those closest to my heart. I hate that sometimes, when I begin to feel genuinely happy, I seem to subconsciously catch myself and say "what are you doing?! Be careful!" and immediately some walls go up and I become suspicious that my happiness will be imminently destroyed. And probably because the person with whom I am happy will disappoint and hurt me again.
I know no one is perfect and I do not expect perfection. This is a big part of the struggle. My tendencies seem to reflect an expectation of perfection, of never being hurt, but I do not expect that at all. Sometimes I just feel emotional pain so profoundly that I fear experiencing it again, and I fear experiencing the intense pain associated with loss.
All these things, I have to give to God. It's a daily battle, but when it's victorious, my day is filled with joy. When it's not, there are a lot more struggles. But God is still good through it all. He's there for me and fighting with me. I'm also thankful to know I have friends praying for me, and I believe more strongly now that Jason is fighting with me and for me as well, not just hoping I will change and stop being fearful. I think that's needed in a lifelong partnership like the one we hope to enter into. God didn't create us alone. He never meant to. "It is not good for the man to be alone." So He created Eve as Adam's helper and partner. Eve was created for companionship and Adam was designed to fight for her and protect her. Even spiritually... he is meant to lift her up and encourage her, as she is him, although he is the leader.
With God fighting for me, my friends lifting me in prayer, and my man fighting for me and loving me through my struggles as well, I know there is eternal victory ahead for this battle.
I know I struggle a lot with fear. That's a direct consequence of growing up not being able to trust the people I was in contact with. Not just at home, although that was the biggest part of it. It's been so prevalent that fear and distrust feels second nature to me. And yet, I think deep down I have a very trusting nature and that's what makes it so hard on me. It still hurts a lot every time my trust is betrayed even though I half expect it anymore.
But I don't want to live in fear. I don't want to build walls. I want to love and trust and be genuine and open and vulnerable to a reasonable extent. ESPECIALLY with those closest to my heart. I hate that sometimes, when I begin to feel genuinely happy, I seem to subconsciously catch myself and say "what are you doing?! Be careful!" and immediately some walls go up and I become suspicious that my happiness will be imminently destroyed. And probably because the person with whom I am happy will disappoint and hurt me again.
I know no one is perfect and I do not expect perfection. This is a big part of the struggle. My tendencies seem to reflect an expectation of perfection, of never being hurt, but I do not expect that at all. Sometimes I just feel emotional pain so profoundly that I fear experiencing it again, and I fear experiencing the intense pain associated with loss.
All these things, I have to give to God. It's a daily battle, but when it's victorious, my day is filled with joy. When it's not, there are a lot more struggles. But God is still good through it all. He's there for me and fighting with me. I'm also thankful to know I have friends praying for me, and I believe more strongly now that Jason is fighting with me and for me as well, not just hoping I will change and stop being fearful. I think that's needed in a lifelong partnership like the one we hope to enter into. God didn't create us alone. He never meant to. "It is not good for the man to be alone." So He created Eve as Adam's helper and partner. Eve was created for companionship and Adam was designed to fight for her and protect her. Even spiritually... he is meant to lift her up and encourage her, as she is him, although he is the leader.
With God fighting for me, my friends lifting me in prayer, and my man fighting for me and loving me through my struggles as well, I know there is eternal victory ahead for this battle.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Sin...
...it can seem so innocent and okay in the moment, but later when it hits you that what you did was wrong in the eyes of God, it seems so pointless. Funny how that works. Hindsight is 20/20, for sure. so I wonder why we repeat sin over and over when we KNOW for a fact that it will hurt later and even worse, that it hurts God? I know that sin is our nature, and even after we are "made new" in Christ (2 Cor 5:17) that we still have to fight that sin nature. But with that, and knowing the human brain and its intelligence, we still somehow sin in the same ways over and over. Be it in our thoughts or with our actions... it makes no sense to me, even though I myself struggle with this problem.
Another aspect of sin I struggle with is the subsequent remorse. I feel self hatred at times, especially with sins that are all but habitual. "Why did I do that AGAIN, God??!?!" I think. I feel disappointed in myself for failing in living for Him in that moment. Something He put on my heart today was that I must let Him take it away, as He has removed my sins as far as the East is from the West, as long as I ask Him to and ask His forgiveness. That's a lot easier said than done, as I tend to think that if it's that easy, I must be just trying to use grace as an excuse. I know that's not necessarily the case, and I just need to check my heart attitude, but as always, easier said than done. I second guess myself far too much.
On the other hand, more wonderful rain here in Colorado. It's so odd that we've had so much in July compared to June and now into August. Not that I am complaining. :)
Now I am trying to figure out the best way to spend the evening with Jason. He wants to write; I'm not feeling so creative this evening. It was my first real day at work and it was kind of tiring even though I enjoyed it (I love having a job I love!). I'm trying to decide if it's selfish to not write much even if I let him write... or just suck it up and try anyway.
Another aspect of sin I struggle with is the subsequent remorse. I feel self hatred at times, especially with sins that are all but habitual. "Why did I do that AGAIN, God??!?!" I think. I feel disappointed in myself for failing in living for Him in that moment. Something He put on my heart today was that I must let Him take it away, as He has removed my sins as far as the East is from the West, as long as I ask Him to and ask His forgiveness. That's a lot easier said than done, as I tend to think that if it's that easy, I must be just trying to use grace as an excuse. I know that's not necessarily the case, and I just need to check my heart attitude, but as always, easier said than done. I second guess myself far too much.
On the other hand, more wonderful rain here in Colorado. It's so odd that we've had so much in July compared to June and now into August. Not that I am complaining. :)
Now I am trying to figure out the best way to spend the evening with Jason. He wants to write; I'm not feeling so creative this evening. It was my first real day at work and it was kind of tiring even though I enjoyed it (I love having a job I love!). I'm trying to decide if it's selfish to not write much even if I let him write... or just suck it up and try anyway.
Monday, August 2, 2010
It's Been AWhile!
I realize I haven't posted in almost a year. Crazy! Sometimes I get really into blogging, and sometimes I do not.
Something I've realized lately is that there is a lot people can learn from each other. I've learned so much and God has spoken to me immensely through other peoples' blogs and such. So I thought I should start again. Share what God shows me on a more regular basis. And just share the joys I experience in life--and the hard times--because we can all learn from those.
That said... there is a thunderstorm starting here in the Springs and I'm excited! I love thunderstorms. They fascinate me. They are powerful and yet God protects us from them too for the most part. For how strong He has made weather and nature, He is still in control and allows us to still have dominion over the earth. Kinda crazy! :)
I also start the real work part of my new job tomorrow! I'm kind of nervous! I'm excited too, because I get to learn about photography, my favorite thing to do, but I do not want to mess up either! I'm praying God will help me have great work ethic and give it my best and work as working for Him and not men. :)
Something I've realized lately is that there is a lot people can learn from each other. I've learned so much and God has spoken to me immensely through other peoples' blogs and such. So I thought I should start again. Share what God shows me on a more regular basis. And just share the joys I experience in life--and the hard times--because we can all learn from those.
That said... there is a thunderstorm starting here in the Springs and I'm excited! I love thunderstorms. They fascinate me. They are powerful and yet God protects us from them too for the most part. For how strong He has made weather and nature, He is still in control and allows us to still have dominion over the earth. Kinda crazy! :)
I also start the real work part of my new job tomorrow! I'm kind of nervous! I'm excited too, because I get to learn about photography, my favorite thing to do, but I do not want to mess up either! I'm praying God will help me have great work ethic and give it my best and work as working for Him and not men. :)
Sunday, August 9, 2009
Changes
Once again, it's been a while, but I did not want to update until things had happened, prayer had been answered, and life gained some direction.
It has, and a lot of it is good but that does not make it easy!
First--I got a job! :) God really tested me in this one... this was a posting that I happened to stumble upon. I was feeling desperate at all the rejections and just looking at district's sites and came across this late, unexpected posting for D20. I interviewed with them about a month ago, after having to re-arrange my day's plans to accommodate the interview I did not expect to receive. Then I waited... and waited... and waited! Normally you hear about these things within a week... It took 3 1/2 weeks for them to make a decision, but in the end they chose me! Naturally, I figured that as soon as i did not expect to get a job, that'd be the one I got. :P :) Well, I am blessed. I am the part-time music teacher at Chinook Trail Elementary. That is still hard to comprehend! I'm going back to school this fall, but this time as a teacher rather than a student. That is tripping my mind. I'm really nervous about suddenly planning lessons for 6 grades and figuring out how all this works, but it seems like the people there will be kind in helping me out and at the same time I am looking forward to getting to know the kids and having fun with them!
Second... I signed a lease on an apartment the next day. This was not quite what I had planned on or expected, yet it was interesting to see how it unfolded. I have a sweet roommate who is very different than me, so I anticipate some challenges and tests of patience, but this will only serve to grow me so it will be fine, plus she is a fun friend I have not gotten to spend much time with in recent years. Who knows what God has in store! This excites me, moving into my own place and taking care of my own life, but at the same time I am sad and am going to miss living in Black Forest terribly. This apartment complex has lots of big, tall trees, which is comforting, but it is still not quite the same. I am not too far away but the change will take some adjusting to in my heart. I hope to move back someday, but for now I hope I can enjoy this place (even has a fireplace and my own bathroom!) and a new experience, grow from it, and keep moving on the path God has for me.
There are other things in life I am still seeking and praying about and they are sometimes joyful, sometimes difficult and painful. but i am comforted by God working in me to seek Him first, to not settle for less than what He has for me, and to be patient in waiting for answers and provision. It's a strange place to be at, to be longing for His answers and yet to feel patience and fierce determination to wait on Him and not settle because I can't wait for what He has for me. :) It's hard but I feel His strength, which is kind of a strange combination I am not used to. I just need to be pursuing God more actively in my life and trust in Him... easier said than done but I am doing my best.
Also, I've been blessed to be able to take a weekend trip to the Bay area of California here in a couple of weeks! :) I've been blessed with a place to stay with a friend and it looks like I will have a lot of fun things going on to refresh and refocus and spend time with friends. Praise God for the opportunity.
Well, that's life right now... till next time... :) Thanks for your prayers!
It has, and a lot of it is good but that does not make it easy!
First--I got a job! :) God really tested me in this one... this was a posting that I happened to stumble upon. I was feeling desperate at all the rejections and just looking at district's sites and came across this late, unexpected posting for D20. I interviewed with them about a month ago, after having to re-arrange my day's plans to accommodate the interview I did not expect to receive. Then I waited... and waited... and waited! Normally you hear about these things within a week... It took 3 1/2 weeks for them to make a decision, but in the end they chose me! Naturally, I figured that as soon as i did not expect to get a job, that'd be the one I got. :P :) Well, I am blessed. I am the part-time music teacher at Chinook Trail Elementary. That is still hard to comprehend! I'm going back to school this fall, but this time as a teacher rather than a student. That is tripping my mind. I'm really nervous about suddenly planning lessons for 6 grades and figuring out how all this works, but it seems like the people there will be kind in helping me out and at the same time I am looking forward to getting to know the kids and having fun with them!
Second... I signed a lease on an apartment the next day. This was not quite what I had planned on or expected, yet it was interesting to see how it unfolded. I have a sweet roommate who is very different than me, so I anticipate some challenges and tests of patience, but this will only serve to grow me so it will be fine, plus she is a fun friend I have not gotten to spend much time with in recent years. Who knows what God has in store! This excites me, moving into my own place and taking care of my own life, but at the same time I am sad and am going to miss living in Black Forest terribly. This apartment complex has lots of big, tall trees, which is comforting, but it is still not quite the same. I am not too far away but the change will take some adjusting to in my heart. I hope to move back someday, but for now I hope I can enjoy this place (even has a fireplace and my own bathroom!) and a new experience, grow from it, and keep moving on the path God has for me.
There are other things in life I am still seeking and praying about and they are sometimes joyful, sometimes difficult and painful. but i am comforted by God working in me to seek Him first, to not settle for less than what He has for me, and to be patient in waiting for answers and provision. It's a strange place to be at, to be longing for His answers and yet to feel patience and fierce determination to wait on Him and not settle because I can't wait for what He has for me. :) It's hard but I feel His strength, which is kind of a strange combination I am not used to. I just need to be pursuing God more actively in my life and trust in Him... easier said than done but I am doing my best.
Also, I've been blessed to be able to take a weekend trip to the Bay area of California here in a couple of weeks! :) I've been blessed with a place to stay with a friend and it looks like I will have a lot of fun things going on to refresh and refocus and spend time with friends. Praise God for the opportunity.
Well, that's life right now... till next time... :) Thanks for your prayers!
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Please pray! :)
Hello,
It's obviously been a while since I updated here! That's because not much has been going on. Well, that's not entirely true, but nothing that I would report on a blog anyway. Life is busy every day with school and life... I've been pertty tired lately and the past couple of weeks in particular!
This week I have 2 band concerts tonight (Thursday night), I've had youth group as usual, a long dress rehearsal and two performances for the Antelope Trails musical ("Mulan", come see it at DCC Friday and Saturday, it's free and awesome!). So with three nights of performances this week I am pretty wiped and that doesn't even speak for the other stuff that I have going on!
But the good news is... I'm done with college!!! :) In just over a week that will be "official", as I graduate from CSU on May 16. So I will spend a few days in Fort Collins, enjoying a break from school (yes, I am done with my school work and official time but I am still spending the remaining weeks of the semester at ATE and MRMS) and getting ready to graduate. It feels super weird to be done, but nice at the same time. Now I just look forward to some much needed sleep... :)
Then there is more good news! I have been watching my phone like a crazy person to receive a certain phone call... and that phone call came on Wednesday afternoon! I don't have a job yet. :) BUT I have an interview for a great elementary school right in my neighborhood! I am super excited for that interview, albeit nervous so PLEASE pray for me. :) :) :) I really hope to get this job. But it's already a HUGE answered prayer just to get the interview! Please pray that I will prepare well for the interview this weekend, that I will swallow my nerves, speak articulately, and most of all be myself! I had no problems with this at the interview for D20 in Fort Collins but this will be more intimidating and certainly not one-on-one! Still, praise God for this opportunity!
So yeah, my life has been changing and redircting like crazy the past few months, but it's been good and for the most part God has been pretty clear in what he's doing. There are some things I am still very unsure about, and have no idea what He is doing, so I am praying for guidance and wisdom in those things.
In addition, please pray next week for a small group from Black Forest Chapel headed to Greensburg Kansas to help rebuild a town devasted by tornados in 2007. This is a trip I had hoped to go on but since it happened during graduation week I couldn't go! There is the possibility of this trip happening again in July, so I'm pretty excited for that!
Anyway, thanks for reading a quick update. :) When I know about the job situation I will post again... hopefully that will be soon!
It's obviously been a while since I updated here! That's because not much has been going on. Well, that's not entirely true, but nothing that I would report on a blog anyway. Life is busy every day with school and life... I've been pertty tired lately and the past couple of weeks in particular!
This week I have 2 band concerts tonight (Thursday night), I've had youth group as usual, a long dress rehearsal and two performances for the Antelope Trails musical ("Mulan", come see it at DCC Friday and Saturday, it's free and awesome!). So with three nights of performances this week I am pretty wiped and that doesn't even speak for the other stuff that I have going on!
But the good news is... I'm done with college!!! :) In just over a week that will be "official", as I graduate from CSU on May 16. So I will spend a few days in Fort Collins, enjoying a break from school (yes, I am done with my school work and official time but I am still spending the remaining weeks of the semester at ATE and MRMS) and getting ready to graduate. It feels super weird to be done, but nice at the same time. Now I just look forward to some much needed sleep... :)
Then there is more good news! I have been watching my phone like a crazy person to receive a certain phone call... and that phone call came on Wednesday afternoon! I don't have a job yet. :) BUT I have an interview for a great elementary school right in my neighborhood! I am super excited for that interview, albeit nervous so PLEASE pray for me. :) :) :) I really hope to get this job. But it's already a HUGE answered prayer just to get the interview! Please pray that I will prepare well for the interview this weekend, that I will swallow my nerves, speak articulately, and most of all be myself! I had no problems with this at the interview for D20 in Fort Collins but this will be more intimidating and certainly not one-on-one! Still, praise God for this opportunity!
So yeah, my life has been changing and redircting like crazy the past few months, but it's been good and for the most part God has been pretty clear in what he's doing. There are some things I am still very unsure about, and have no idea what He is doing, so I am praying for guidance and wisdom in those things.
In addition, please pray next week for a small group from Black Forest Chapel headed to Greensburg Kansas to help rebuild a town devasted by tornados in 2007. This is a trip I had hoped to go on but since it happened during graduation week I couldn't go! There is the possibility of this trip happening again in July, so I'm pretty excited for that!
Anyway, thanks for reading a quick update. :) When I know about the job situation I will post again... hopefully that will be soon!
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