Photo Challenge

My friend and future sister Bekah has been doing the photo challenge so I decided to do it too. :) It seems fun and insightful. I'll probably end up missing days since I'm planning my wedding among a million other things but I'll try to do my best. :D

Day 1 - a photo of you and 10 facts

1. I'd just gotten my hair cut when this picture was taken in 2009.

2. The first three guys I dated were all born in July 1985. No, that wasn't intentional.

3. I love cheeseburgers and fries.

4. I'm attempting to be a distance runner. Jury is still out on the success of this venture.

5. I speak Czech best of all the languages I've attempted learning.

6. Speaking of Czech, I've spent about 6 cumulative months in that country and can't wait to go back.

7. I'm empathetic to a fault. I easily take on the emotions and attitudes of those around me--or even in a book I'm reading or a movie I'm watching.

8. I got my degree in music education, but despite my enjoyment of teaching kids, I'd rather pursue my own photography business.

9. My heart is forever torn between California and Colorado. I love the snowy mountains and mountain fresh air here in Colorado but I also love breathing deeply the perfect humidity of southern California, its flowery scents, and being at the beach on a warm day.

10. My beta fish, Hibiscus, is old. Really old, for a beta. He's just passing 5 years in age--meaning 5 years since he came to live with me, which means he's older than that. He should've died about 3 years ago. He will probably finally die when I finally clean his tank. :P

The Masquerade

Yesterday, I was reminiscing about a lot of things. Particularly some hard times I've experienced in the past few years, and the sin that happened in those times. It hurt my heart to remember those times of sin, and led me to send up some more apologies and remorse to the Lord, who has thankfully forgiven me of those sins.

On my way home from work, the song "Stained Glass Masquerade" by Casting Crowns came on. (On my playlist, because most radio stations won't play it! ) This song resonates profoundly with my heart, as Jason and I left a church we used to love this past year because of the lack of Christ-like love and an excess of misplaced judgment. I thought about what those people (many of them, anyway), and even people I call friends now who do not know about some of my past sins, would think of me, if they'd still love me, if they'd cast me out of their lives. Sadly, I believe some of them would.

Few people know about some of those sins, and truth be told only one of them was truly judgmental and condemning of it. Thankfully that person is no longer a part of my life. But I fear others might follow in his footsteps.

"...would it set me free

if I dared to let you see

the truth behind the person

that you imagine me to be

would your arms be open

or would you walk away?

or would the love of Jesus

be enough to make you stay?"

I hope that when we find a new church family we'll find people who are authentic. People who are open. People who are loving. People who don't judge without seeking the truth first. There are sins in my past that still hurt me to remember. Sins that I'm afraid to confess to any but the most trusted and closest of friends. (Thank the Lord my fiance is among them).

"Is there anyone that fails?

Is there anyone that falls?

Am I the only one in church today

feeling so small?

Cause when I take a look around

everybody seems so strong

I know they'll soon discover

that I don't belong....

So I tuck it all away

like everything's okay

if I make 'em all believe it

maybe I'll believe it too...

so with a painted grin

I'll play the part again

so everyone will see me

the way that I see them!"

I want to be real... authentic me, the good bad and ugly... I wish there were more believers I could open up to genuinely, who would understand and be there without so much judgment. Especially post-repentance. That'd be nice.

Yummy food!!! - Salmon Salad Etc.

Today I made a delicious recipe I found online (http://www.bhg.com/recipes/mealideas/view.jsp?id=2700003).

The link, unfortunately, does not help with how to put it together, so I just mixed up all the ingredients together since that's basically what you do with tuna salad.

Salmon salad tastes better, much better, in my opinion. I'm not sure how to describe the difference but it is amazing! And good for you! This requires much less mayo than I'm accustomed to in tuna salad, which makes it a lot healthier as well. It has green onions (I was a little short), celery, pickles, and dill as well. Yum!!!

On the side I did two of their recommendations, a bowl of black olives and some wheat english muffins with dill butter.

The dill butter is easy, just mix up some dill with softened butter. It tastes great!

This meal would be a delicious one for the summertime especially-very refreshing. It's not too heavy but it filled me up nicely.

Wedding Bells!

Nope, this time they aren't mine! Today I got to see my friends Charlton and Naomi get married! :) We all met in college, and I haven't gotten to see them in a couple of years. Just to be around them for their ceremony and reception for 4 hours today was such a blessing. I've learned so much from these two, whether we were hanging out together or from watching their lives from a distance (thanks, Facebook).

These two remind me of what it means to live joyfully and genuinely for the Lord. They love others (and each other :) ) without hypocrisy. It doesn't matter what's happened before or what's happening now, you'll be greeted with real joy and love! I remember Charlton always popping up out of his chair to give me a big hug, smiling and laughing in his joy at seeing me again. I saw this in his treatment of others, too. Naomi was always there for me too. She was my running buddy for a while, and someone I could always count on. :)

I've pretty much known for years they'd end up together, and so glad they did. :) They are truly a match made in heaven and there's much to be learned from them. God is working so much in their lives! And now they're joined as one and will be a powerful voice for the Lord! These two are so in love with Jesus and exhibit this in their everyday lives and relationships. Yet they also know how to experience life to the fullest, with laughter, smiles and joy. :) It's so infectious.

Congratulations Naomi and Charlton! Thank you for inviting me to be a part of your special day!

Goals

In my last post I wrote out two goals that I hope to achieve in the near future:

1. no more than 2 hours per day on my computer and

2. exercising 5 days per week.

So far, I'm doing alright, making progress.

For #1, it's tough right now as I'm constantly dealing with wedding planning via email or website. But I'm trying to cut back more and more on time I just spend "dinking around" on the computer, and put my efforts into more important things--taking care of my house and chores, playing with my cat, spending time with God. Things that I think will help me be a better wife, too. :)

For #2, definitely close! My work schedule makes it very difficult to get to 5 days per week. Last week was my first week really starting out because I'd been sick--this week so far I exercised Sunday, Monday and Tuesday! Tomorrow is an off day, mostly due to a long, 2-job work day. Thursday is on, Friday will be off for the same reasons as Weds. So if I do Thurs and Sat, my goal for the week will be achieved. :) Yay!

To be honest #2 feels like my main focus right now. I hate looking at the scale... I am apparently more heavy and overweight than I look. I'm thankful that I hold my weight well. I don't look fat or even out of shape, really. (I've always had big hips.) But I want to drop that weight and be and feel healthier. Every time I get out and walk/jog, it helps!

I've also been slowly working on another goal--eating more meals at home and cooking healthy meals. I cooked a delicious fish recipe tonight! Reminded me of schnitzel because the fish is breaded, but it's a bit healthier because it uses a dressing mix and vegetable oil instead of egg and flour. If it weren't for the dressing mix the fish would've been quite bland. I added whole wheat angel hair, tomato sauce, and steamed broccoli to balance things out, and it was delicious! Jason loved it too, which always says something. :) It's super fun finding easy and delicious recipes to cook. Arms me with much more to work with once we are married!

So I'm adding my third and fourth goals now.

#3. Cook a healthy meal at home 3-4 nights per week (eating leftovers for at least 2 of the other days). I want to make it 6 nights per week eating at home once we are married. I know that won't always work but the goal is to do this MOST of the time.

#4. Spend 30 minutes reading each day. Reading is relaxing and stimulating all at once. It's good for me. This is in addition to quiet time with the Lord; book is my choice, be it fiction or non-fiction. Right now I'm re-reading for the umpteenth time A Woman After God's Own Heart, a very encouraging book my friend Becky gave me a long time ago. It sure helps me focus on areas to grow in as a believer and as a (future) wife.

God is good--He's helping me grow and change. He's helping me with these exterior changes to my life as well as working on my heart. I love when He does that.

Wonder

As I was taking my walk today, I was observing lots of things around me. I definitely noted the crisp air as I breathed it in and felt it cool my skin. I noticed the different designs of houses in my neighborhood, and noted which ones looked nice and which were run down. I noted the parents walking their kids home from school, or the ones who walked alone. I noted that most people I passed avoided eye contact. I noted a teenager standing behind a shed in a backyard, texting on his phone. I noted younger kids playing outside in the same backyard. I noted the noise coming from many passing cars and people.

All of this made me think about the world God created for us. Some of the things I noted made me smile. They reminded me what a wonderful world I get to live in right now. Other things made me realize how often I, and others, forget to experience "wonder".

I notice in life how distracted I get with technology in particular. I can't knock on technology--I love it. I love being able to instantly contact people via the internet or texting. I love being able to receive news of important events quickly. I love the entertainment TV and movies provide. I am thankful for the benefits of technologies in the medical field, and for cars that can get me where I need to go much more quickly than past means of transportation.

When I take the time to do something "different", like go for a walk, I realize that things like that shouldn't be "different". They should be the norm. There are things I see and observe and experience in this world that simply make me smile, give me joy, point my heart and mind toward my Creator, and bring a breath of relief into my life.

Breathing fresh mountain air. Sitting and watching a sunrise, sunset, or viewing the stars. Watching antelope out on the plains, or deer in the forest. Sitting by a stream and listening to it's bubbling sound-so refreshing. Sitting and reading a book with relaxing music playing in the background. Finding a new recipe to shop for ingredients and cook for Jason. Marveling at simple (yet extravagant!) wonders such as the fact that I can decide to make my legs move (a particular thought from my walk today that just astounded me :) ). Sitting on a beach, watching the waves. Going whale watching (haven't gone, but really want to!). Watching the patterns of falling snowflakes as I sip hot cocoa while wrapped in a blanket.

These and so much more are things I want to enjoy (or learn to enjoy) now, and teach my family to enjoy later. I want to reduce the importance of technology in my life in healthy ways. I don't want to rely on TV, video games, computers, the internet, or my phone to be entertained. Oftentimes I wish life were simpler again-perhaps this is why I enjoy historical movies. I would not want to lose the benefits technology has provided, but for myself personally, I no longer want to rely on technology in ways that are unnecessary, maybe even harmful to me in the long run--physically, emotionally, spiritually.

This all probably came to mind since I did once of our marriage counseling exercises yesterday-a personal stress evaluator or something like that. I had an outline to fill out of how often I did certain things each week, ranging from work to friends to family to chores to hobbies. It was interesting to estimate how I divide my time and overall I noticed I want to spend less time on technology and more time on other healthier pursuits like cooking at home and exercise and reading.

In the long run, I know I struggle with thinking my life will count for something if I am well-educated, if I treat people a certain way, have a certain personality, live at a certain social standard. But when I really think and remember the life the Lord calls me to live, I know that all these things in the long run won't matter. The biggest reason I want to live a life of wonder is so that I can experience God to the fullest while I am here, and have even more to worship and praise Him for. I want my kids to know the Lord and how awesome He is and see me living in that way. It feels like a big challenge but I think it will be worth the effort.

I think 2 goals I am going to focus on for now are limiting my computer time to no more than 2 cumulative hours per day, and exercising 5 days per week. That's a lot for me right now, as I'm also handling 2 jobs and planning a wedding, but I think it's do-able. Who knows, maybe I'll even find myself more energized for all I have to do, and having more time to do it! :)

A Possibly Supernatural Lesson from a Loved One Lost

Today, January 21st, 2011, we buried my father-in-law. (for the purposes of this article he is my father-in-law although that will not be official for a few more months.) It was not easy to see his picture next to a container that I knew held his ashes. Just a little over a week ago, he was with us, talking with us. I could squeeze his hand or give him a hug. I could hear his soft voice and see the life in his eyes. Now that is all a memory. A precious memory.

Since Curt passed away, I've resisted the urge to sometimes ask God, "Could you please let me talk with Curt somehow? I miss his voice and I want his reassurances. I want to know he is okay and I want to ask him so many questions."

Today something very special happened to me. God answered a prayer that I never prayed. (Further proof that He knows our hearts and minds whether we pray or not.)

I did not hear Curt's voice directly. An apparition did not appear before me and communicate with me. But when Curt and Darla's former youth pastor gave the message today at Curt's graveside service, I knew without a doubt that I was hearing the same basic message that I think Curt would want me to know if he was still around to tell me in person.

The pastor, Rick I believe, recounted about the early days of knowing Curt, when he first came to the youth group at Sunkist Baptist Church in Anaheim, California. He discussed how Curt came to realize he had some weaknesses, and how he was determined to change those weaknesses. He told of how Curt beat those weaknesses as well as learned how to rest in the Lord even more than Rick himself knew how at the time.

Over the past weeks I have learned that Curt and I had quite a bit in common, for not knowing each other well yet. But today I learned that our similarities go much deeper than just sharing pineapple as a favorite fruit. Those same weaknesses that Rick mentioned about Curt describe me to a tee. It sounded like Rick was describing me as he spoke. Struggles with fear, confidence, and being controlled by emotions. That's me. And that is how Curt used to be.

This was significant to me in a couple of ways.

The first is that, for me, it explains why he was so loving, caring and gentle with me. I know he had to have seen my flaws and I expected he might think I wasn't good enough to date his son. But he was the family member I felt closest to the fastest, despite the fact that we didn't talk a lot in person. (We probably did more than I remember, and I hate that those memories are so unclear now that he is gone.) But throughout the time I knew him, I felt a special acceptance and understanding from Curt that I couldn't explain. I knew he cared about me, and he treated me as if I was his own daughter. Now, I believe that those things are still true, but I understand that he probably recognized a lot of himself in me. I think that brought us closer, without me ever realizing why.

The second reason these similarities are significant to me, is that as he probably recognized that I struggled with the same weaknesses he had, he has still taught me how to overcome those weaknesses even though he isn't even hear to tell me with his voice. I can't explain it. Maybe it is just a coincidence. But even if it is, it is a very special coincidence for me. And I believe it will have a significant impact in my life from now on.

I will pray the simple prayer that Curt learned to pray. I will learn the lessons he learned and I hope my life will make an impact, as his did. He continues to have an impact on my life even though he is no longer here to share in it directly. God's hand is at work here.

Hear my cry, O God;
listen to my prayer.

From the ends of the earth I call to you,
I call as my heart grows faint;
lead me to the rock that is higher than I.

Psalm 61:1-2

I love and miss you, Curt. Thank you, Lord, for allowing my father-in-law and kindred spirit to teach me even now.